Family Tree Surprises

 

I have discovered another relative from my family tree search. This is Quentin Smythe-Humphrey the Third. Originally born in Melbourne in Australia. He is a distant cousin twice removed. And you can't get more distant than Australia. Every time we removed him he came back to the UK.  

He fancied himself as somewhat of an explorer always searching for something new to put his name to it. He claimed that he invented the spoon rest. You know, that contraption some people have in the kitchen for putting your spoon when cooking. There is no evidence to substantiate his claim though. 

He also discovered that when you cut down a tree and count the rings in the trunk you can tell the tree's profession - table, wardrobe, desk, bed and so on. He claimed that if a tree falls in the forest and there is no one there to see it; it remains upright. 

He is also reputed to have discovered the West Pole; as opposed to the North and South Pole. One day whilst sitting on a beach in England near Liverpool he looked at the sun over the sea. Instead of the sun rising as he expected, the sun actually set slowly down on the horizon and disappeared. Obvious really, seeing he was facing West at the time. He suddenly deduced (wrongly) that the West Pole is in America, which is why people said "Go West young man!" So he took the first plane available and flew to the States in search of the West Pole.

As soon as he landed he hired a car and drove and drove in search of the illusive West Pole. Or is it elusive? What's the difference? Look both of them up in the dictionary and decide for yourself. (You learn something new every day on this Blog).

Anyway, he drove everywhere. On one occasion he drove non-stop for a whole day. Tired, he stopped and asked for directions, (which is a miracle for any man to do). He asked, "Am I 24 hours from Tulsa?" The reply was, "No; you're 48 hours from Tulsa; you've been driving in the wrong direction!"

Quentin Smythe-Humphrey the Third never found the West Pole; but he is revered in the UK for something totally different. Whilst Sir Walter Raleigh is often credited with introducing the potato to Ireland in 1589 and England it was Quentin Smythe-Humphrey the Third who introduced us to French fries and potato chips. Until then, the British cuisine consisted of "boiled meat and two veg" - potato and carrots, potato and peas, potato and parsnips, potato and potato. Sometimes it was three veg, potato, carrots and peas. But Quentin brought us fried fish and chips. A staple diet to this day. Without fried potatoes we would not have French fries, and potato chips. Thank you Quentin.

And another thing. Whilst in America Quentin discovered pizza. We did not have pizza in the UK until then. He tried pizza in the States and liked it. He tried every kind; cheese and tomatoes, with pepperoni salami, with vegetables, with ham, with tuna. He tried every kind of pizza and liked it. It is what is known as the Domino effect!

Family Tree Surprises

 

Whilst researching my family tree I have discovered another of my famous ancestors. His name was Deacon Quentin Al Fresco and he lived at the same time as Michelangelo when he painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

Originally, the Pope at the time wanted the ceiling painted light blue. But Quentin Al Fresco, who considered himself an art connoisseur, hired Michelangelo to do the job and commissioned the paintings we know and love today.

At first Michelangelo was reluctant, saying that it would take too long to paint such a high ceiling needing scaffolding and ladders and lying on his back all the time. But Deacon Quentin convinced him otherwise.

He explained that he could draw the painting in pencil first and then by painting with numbers he could easily fill in the various bits with the same numbers and hey presto we would have a wonderful masterpiece hanging over our heads.

Michelangelo was not convinced especially since he suffered from vertigo; a condition he got from eating some dodgy lobsters. But Quentin Al Fresco suggested that there was no need for scaffolding and ladders. All Michelangelo had to do, is dip the paintbrush in the appropriate paint pot according to the colour indicated by the numbers and then jump high on a trampoline and fill in the bits of the drawing on the ceiling. Every time he jumped high in the air he would paint a different bit of the drawing.

Michelangelo tried it and fell off the trampoline breaking his arm.

Undeterred Quentin tried something else. He gave the masterpiece painter a brush thirty feet long and suggested he paints the ceiling by just standing solid on terra firma. The painter had difficulty dipping the brush in the paint pots. Apart from all the mess he made spilling paint everywhere, every time he tried to lower the brush into the pot, the long handle poked someone in the eye.

But Quentin was resolute and taught Michelangelo to ride a unicycle, or mono-cycle. You know ... those contraptions with one wheel, a long metal tube and a seat on top. Only this one had a tube thirty feet long. Eventually, with assistants holding on to the bike, Michelangelo managed to finish painting the Sistine Chapel. But not before he fell several times breaking a collar bone, three ribs, and a jar of vino he had in his pocket.

These days we celebrate Michelangelo for the famous painting of the Sistine Chapel; but the true hero, Quentin Al Fesco has long been forgotten.

Family Tree Surprises

 

Whilst searching my family tree I discovered some branch or other flourished in Greece. One such old ancestor is Quentin Zorba the Greek. He lived around 370 BC and worked as an assistant to a certain doctor called Hippocrates. As the name implies, he was a vet who treated hippopotamuses. Hippocrates that is, not my relative Quentin. He invented the Hippocritical Oath which promised that he'd heal any hippopotamus regardless to the danger to himself. As there were no hippos in Greece his promise was never tested. So he healed hippies instead. 

Another Greek relative I discovered also went by the same name; Quentin Bouzouki. He lived around 470 BC and knew the Greek philosopher Heraclitus. Apparently the philosopher didn't like people in general. He was always sad and melancholy, (face like a melon and body like a collie), and always cried in his beer in the pub despite Quentin's corny jokes. He was known as the "Weeping Philosopher"; especially on that day when Quentin put some lobsters in his bath-tub as a joke.

One day Heraclitus got sick with dropsy and no doctor could cure him. So he decided to cure himself by covering his body with cow manure and sitting in the sun for it to bake. This certainly did the trick. He died within a day. Which goes to prove - when you're up to your neck in **** don't sit in public for all to see.

As a sideline, and also leading to the discovery of another relative named Quentin "the writer"; I have not been able to find his surname. As you know, Homer was a Greek author living around 850 BC and is thought to have written two outstanding books called the Iliad and the Odyssey. Unfortunately, opinion is divided as to whether Homer actually wrote both works; a bit like the debate about whether Shakespeare did actually write all that he wrote. After various attempts to contact the  original publishers to find out the truth it was discovered that they'd gone out of business. However, rumours have it from my research, that Quentin was the writer and Homer the editor of these works. I tried to read them but did not understand a word. It was all Greek to me.

Family Tree Surprises

 

It's amazing what surprises you discover when you search you family tree on-line. I have found out that one of my ancestors dates back to ancient Romans time. His name was Quentin Caesar Salad. He was called salad because of the varied and interesting amount of knowledge and accumulation of facts he had stored in a lifetime of studying. Indeed he was a sage who knew his onions. Nicknamed sage and onions stuffing.

Quentin Caesar Salad invented Roman numerals. He convinced the Emperor Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus Germanicus that instead of counting his enemies as individuals it would be easier to mark on the wall a vertical line like an I for each enemy he had and then count all the Is. The idea soon caught on and Quentin was a hero. Everyone counted in Is instead of counting the items in question. 

There were Is everywhere in ancient Rome. You couldn't go anywhere without Is staring at you. Hence the saying, "walls have Is".     

All street names, days on the calendar and chariots registration numbers had the Roman numeral I for identification. Can you imagine writing the day 31 January as IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII. Count them. (You did?)

The idea stopped because chariot registration numbers grew so wide with the number of IIIIIs on them that the registration plate knocked pedestrians over as the chariots rushed by. Often chariots got stuck between two trees, (sorry ... II trees), as chariots sped by.  

That's when Quentin came up with a new idea to save losing his head. 

He suggested the introduction of new symbols. When we reach the number 4 it be written as IV, 5 as V, 6 as VI and so on until 8. Then he changed his mind and decided that IX would represent 9, X for 10, XI for 11 and so on. Then he added new letters for good measure. For example L for 50, C for 100, D for 500 and M for 1000.

For a while all was well and the Romans were happy counting in this new way. Then one day, the Emperor Nero received a strange text saying – I LV CLAVDIVS – and he didn’t know whether it was a misdirected amorous message from his wife to Claudius the slave, or his wife’s new telephone number.

So in a rage the Emperor banned the use of all cell-phones from the whole of the Roman Empire.

Nothing was heard from Quentin Caesar Salad after that. Or Claudius the slave for that matter.