Le Quiz Pour You

 

Allo mes amis. Aujourd'hui I 'ave a quiz for you to work out zee little grey cells in your 'ead. N'est ce pas?

Zee first one is eazy to getting you started.

Who painted zees painting in blue? A clue: Zere was a song zat started "Starry, starry night. Paint your palette blue and gray ..." by Don ze McLean about zees artist.

Now anozer zee quiz for you:

OK ... zee grey cells are doing zee working. 'Ere is another question:
 

What eez zees a photo of? Anee idea? A clue ... I took zees photograph zees morning when I waking up ... 

No idea? Eet eez a close-up photo of my ginger cat. Veree close up!

OK ... an eazy one zees time. Write down what do you see in zees picture.

Can you spot ten differences between zees two pictures?

Anozer puzzle to keep zee grey cells zee working ...

Come on people ... do zee thinking ... more thinking in zee interlude ...

Alors mes amis ... you do not know zee answer? Zen stand on your 'ead!

If you got it right, you deserve a banana.

Here is the algebra for those of you more clever than me:

R+C+D=X
R+C=10
R+D=20
D+C=24

D=24-C
R+24-C=20 

R+4=C
R+C=10 

C=10-R

R+4=10-R
2R=6 

R=3

C=10-3=7
D=20-3=17

D+C+R=X
17+7+3=27 KG!

And now a final one to keep the brain working:

Look at zee bus above for a minute or so. Imagine zees bus arrives at a bus stop empty. Once eet eez zere 6 passengers get on. A little later zee bus stops again. 4 passengers get on and 3 get off. Later still zee bus stops and 8 passengers get on and 2 get off. A while further zee bus stops and 6 passengers get on and 1 gets off.

What is the name of the driver?

Absurd ... yes it was!

I am not the out-going type of person always chatting and starting a conversation with all and sundry. In fact, those who know me will testify, I am a silent, quiet fellow, rather shy, I keep myself to myself and do not wish to be disturbed by complete strangers when I am on the bus, the train, the library, in my car, in a taxi, at work, at home, or in the toilet. 

In fact I do not want to be disturbed or talked to at all by anyone. I am completely devoid of any form of prejudice. I dislike everyone equally. (Except you dear readers).

I was on the bus the other day minding my own business eating pickled cucumbers from a jar, when this old woman, (she must have been about a million years old by the looks of her), came and sat next to me. The bus had several empty seats, but she came and sat next to me.

What makes people do that? Why do they sit next to me? Is it my "Food Range" deodorant that attracts them? I could drive at the local supermarket and the car park is totally empty. I stop my car and some idiot comes and parks right next to me. Why do people do that?

Anyway, I digress. This old woman came and sat next to me in the bus and within a minute or two started to talk about the weather. This happens a lot in Britain. People talk about the weather. They say inane things like, "Cold today, isn't it?" 

How do you respond to that except agree with the comment. I like to confuse them by starting a debate about something completely unrelated. I say, "Actually, scientists have discovered that since this country's Gross Domestic Product has risen due to inflation and the overheating of the economy the temperature throughout the British Isles has dropped slightly by about 2.17%".

This soon shuts them up.

Anyway ... again ... this old lady talked about the weather for a bit and then asked me if I could change a £2 coin because she needed some small change for her shopping. 

I took out my piggy bank out of my pocket. Opened the small aperture and took out its contents in my hand. 

I counted and gave her a £1 coin and a selection of pennies totalling 100 pence; and then I took her £2 coin and put it in the piggy bank.

She proceeded to count every penny I gave her to ensure they were actually 100.

I glanced sideways and said nothing; fishing out another pickled cucumber from my jar.

As she was counting she dropped a penny which rolled out the centre aisle of the bus and landed a few feet away under one of the seats.

"Hey ..." she said, "you've only given me 99 pence. There's one penny missing!"

"No madam," I replied politely, "you dropped it and it rolled over there, under that man's feet!"

"No it didn't!" she insisted, "you diddled me ... you cheat ... I am one penny short ... you owe me one penny!"

Then, deliberately to make a scene, she turned to the entire bus and said, "this man owes me a penny. He is a cheat and a fraud. He is denying me my penny!"

In order to shut her up, I pulled out my piggy bank from my pocket, opened it quickly, and to my dismay, I could only find two-pence coins. There was not one single penny coin in the damn thing.

I gave her a two-pence coin and said, " here you are. Now YOU owe me one penny!"

She took my two-pence coin and said, "That's not going to happen ... fathead!" and she got off the bus.

Now the mathematically minded amongst you will have noted that I am down two pence on this transaction. I gave her the full £1 coin and one hundred pennies in exchange for her £2 coin; plus an extra 2 pence to shut her up.

As I said ... many times before ... I do not like people who sit next to me in public places and start a conversation. Why can't they leave me alone?

Strange Happenings

Last night I was out for a few drinks with some friends. In reality, I am not much of a drinker. The rumours in the pub were that the police were checking for drunk drivers that evening.

I decided to leave my car where it was and took a bus home.

Sure enough, I passed a Police control where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests to see if they were drinking.

Because I was in a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.

Saving Money

I was walking towards the bus stop when suddenly the bus came past from behind me, overtook me, reached the bus stop first, found no one there, and drove off. I was really annoyed at having missed it.

Then I noticed that a few yards further on the bus had stopped because of heavy traffic. Perhaps it's road works ahead, or traffic lights.

If I ran fast, past the bus stop, and ran further on I'd get to the next bus stop before the bus.

So I ran as fast as my short legs could carry me. Past the bus and then ... the traffic moved again, the bus passed me again, reached the next stop and went on ahead.

I stopped, huffing and puffing out of breath. All that running for nothing. My heart was beating fast in my chest. Just as well. If it was beating fast somewhere else I'd be worried.

I kept walking ahead. But hey ... what's going on. I can see the bus up ahead stopped again. It's been stopped for over five minutes. Perhaps there is a hold-up ahead in the traffic. I'm sure I could catch that bus if I tried once more.

I ran and ran and ran and reached the bus. I waved at the bus driver to indicate I wanted to get on. Of course, he is not allowed to let people on the bus in mid-traffic, so I had to reach the next stop fast. I ran there. The traffic moved. The bus overtook me again. Got to the stop first, saw no one there and moved on.

By the time I reached the bus stop, I was totally out of breath. I was sweating like ... I don't know ... like someone sweating after a long run. I was red in the face. My knees were weak and my legs crying for help. I stayed there for a few minutes to recover.

The bus had gone; and I realised that only a few yards further and I'd be home. The next bus stop is way past my house, so no need to run there.

As I got home, I was totally deflated, disheartened, desolated, dehydrated, and disgusted at having ran all the way for nothing. I could not even think of any other words beginning with D. Apart from dictionary; but I had left that in the office.

I told the family what had happened and was consoled by the fact that I had saved £2.60 bus fare by running after a bus but not catching it.

They said next time I should run after a taxi and save more money.

It Happened On The Bus

I don't know why, but complete strangers tend to start conversations with me whenever we meet. It could be on the train, or in the park walking the dog, on the bus, or anywhere. Complete strangers start a conversation by talking first about the weather, something we do a lot here in the UK, and then, before long they are telling me their life story. What is it about me that attracts complete strangers like flies to ... a honey pot? Why can't they leave me alone?

The other day I was on a long journey on a bus and I was quietly reading my newspaper "The Daily Gossip" when the man sitting next to me went, "Arrr me hearty! Shiver me timbers!"

I was startled by this sudden unusual outburst. I was expecting the more traditional opening gambit, "Nice weather we've been having lately, don't you think?"

Instead I got this pirate type utterance in what seemed a quiet authentic piraty type accent. And indeed the man, or so it seems, was a genuine pirate.

He told me he was a vegeterian pirate.

Have you ever heard of such a thing, or person?

He was a vegeterian pirate. He had a carrot on his shoulder.

I asked him, "How come, if you're a vegeterian pirate, you only have one carrot on your shoulder? Why not have a variety of vegetables?"

He said that he left some room for the rabbit. He then turned to the man sitting on my other side and said "What's up Doc?"

Well, it turned out that the man on my other side was indeed a doctor. He was on the bus because someone had stolen his bicycle. 

He said that he was short of cash and, if I wanted, he could give me some quick medical advice for a small charge.

As it happens, I did have a small personal problem on my mind which I was too embarrassed to discuss with my own doctor. But you know how it is, don't you? You don't want to discuss a personal matter with someone you know, but you're quite happy to discuss it with a stranger you'll never meet again. So I whispered the problem in his ear. Because I noticed that the carrot on the pirate's shoulder was trying to listen to our conversation.

The doctor asked me, "What are the symptoms?"

I told him they were yellow cartoon characters on TV named Homer, Marge, Bart and Lisa. I wondered what that had to do with my medical problem.

He then asked me, "How's your libido?"

I replied, "I sold that Italian car; which is why I am now travelling on the bus."

He explained that there was nothing to be ashamed of in my situation and that sometimes people do have strange habits in the bedroom. The trick is to be spontaneous.

He said. "If you feel like being amourous with your wife in bed; you don't knock her on the head with your umbrella and say 'Hey ... have you got a minute?' ...Be adventurous. Be amourous at any time and at any place."

"Mind you," he continued, "they'll never let me in that restaurant again !!!"

After a moment's silence, he went on.

"Some people have a problem in the bathroom too.

"For example, I had a patient once who suffered from rheumatism. So I advised him to keep away from any dampness whatsoever. Now he sits in the bath and vacuum cleans himself.

"Another patient always took an alarm clock with him in the shower. He would set the alarm at exactly eight minutes and then shower quickly before the alarm clock rang. He would rinse himself first, put shower gel all over him and create a great lather of soap, and then speedily rinse it off before the alarm bell rang.

"If he was not quick enough, he would still get out of the shower, even if he was still covered in soap, and put his clothes back on again. He never bothered to dry himself to save on towels. Instead he would wring his arms, legs and other bits before getting dressed."

At this point, mercifully, the bus reached my stop and I got off hurriedly. In my haste, I dropped the stick of celery that was resting on my shoulder.