I am not the out-going type of person always chatting and starting a conversation with all and sundry. In fact, those who know me will testify, I am a silent, quiet fellow, rather shy, I keep myself to myself and do not wish to be disturbed by complete strangers when I am on the bus, the train, the library, in my car, in a taxi, at work, at home, or in the toilet.
In fact I do not want to be disturbed or talked to at all by anyone. I am completely devoid of any form of prejudice. I dislike everyone equally. (Except you dear readers).
I was on the bus the other day minding my own business eating pickled cucumbers from a jar, when this old woman, (she must have been about a million years old by the looks of her), came and sat next to me. The bus had several empty seats, but she came and sat next to me.
What makes people do that? Why do they sit next to me? Is it my "Food Range" deodorant that attracts them? I could drive at the local supermarket and the car park is totally empty. I stop my car and some idiot comes and parks right next to me. Why do people do that?
Anyway, I digress. This old woman came and sat next to me in the bus and within a minute or two started to talk about the weather. This happens a lot in Britain. People talk about the weather. They say inane things like, "Cold today, isn't it?"
How do you respond to that except agree with the comment. I like to confuse them by starting a debate about something completely unrelated. I say, "Actually, scientists have discovered that since this country's Gross Domestic Product has risen due to inflation and the overheating of the economy the temperature throughout the British Isles has dropped slightly by about 2.17%".
This soon shuts them up.
Anyway ... again ... this old lady talked about the weather for a bit and then asked me if I could change a £2 coin because she needed some small change for her shopping.
I took out my piggy bank out of my pocket. Opened the small aperture and took out its contents in my hand.
She proceeded to count every penny I gave her to ensure they were actually 100.
I glanced sideways and said nothing; fishing out another pickled cucumber from my jar.
As she was counting she dropped a penny which rolled out the centre aisle of the bus and landed a few feet away under one of the seats.
"Hey ..." she said, "you've only given me 99 pence. There's one penny missing!"
"No madam," I replied politely, "you dropped it and it rolled over there, under that man's feet!"
"No it didn't!" she insisted, "you diddled me ... you cheat ... I am one penny short ... you owe me one penny!"
Then, deliberately to make a scene, she turned to the entire bus and said, "this man owes me a penny. He is a cheat and a fraud. He is denying me my penny!"
In order to shut her up, I pulled out my piggy bank from my pocket, opened it quickly, and to my dismay, I could only find two-pence coins. There was not one single penny coin in the damn thing.
I gave her a two-pence coin and said, " here you are. Now YOU owe me one penny!"
She took my two-pence coin and said, "That's not going to happen ... fathead!" and she got off the bus.
Now the mathematically minded amongst you will have noted that I am down two pence on this transaction. I gave her the full £1 coin and one hundred pennies in exchange for her £2 coin; plus an extra 2 pence to shut her up.
As I said ... many times before ... I do not like people who sit next to me in public places and start a conversation. Why can't they leave me alone?
