My dog is a Counselor

 

I went to see a dog psychiatrist the other day. I did not even know there were such things as dog psychiatrists. She was a nice lady. She asked me how I was. I said, "you know ... it's a dog's life these days!"

She seemed concerned. She asked me, "how long have you felt like that?"

I said, "ever since I was a puppy!"

She said, "get on the couch."

I told her I was not allowed on the couch. 

She asked me if I sleep well at night. Do I stay awake. Unable to sleep. Do I have nightmares. Do I howl at the moon.

She then said, "my husband is a psychiatrist too. He helps people, as opposed to animals which I do. Would you be interested in a group session? My husband and I, and you and your wife?"

I'm not so sure about that. I don't think having all four of us in bed together is a good idea, do you?

She then turned her attention to our dog Fetch. She asked me why I called him Fetch. I said it is to distinguish him from our other dog, Sit. 

She said they were unusual names for dogs. "What did you call your children?" she asked.

"Hey you and Shut up," I replied.

She noticed that my dog had a calming effect on people. She took him out in the yard and put him with a massive ferocious Alsatian which was barking and growling all the time. I thought he'd eat our little Fetch. Instead, the Alsatian whimpered and sat down, yawned, and seemed to go to sleep. Our dog sat next to him.

She tried the same thing with another dog. A yappy little poodle jumping up and down like a demented fish. As soon as she put Fetch in the cage the poodle settled down calmly.

Same thing with two Dobermen. A Boxer and a Greyhound.

"What an amazing dog you have," she said, "he seems to have a calming effect on other dogs."

And that's how my dog now works for her, three days a week, as a Counselor. She puts him with other dogs who seem to become docile and gentle in his company. Maybe he talks to them. I don't know. He is earning more than me as a Counselor telling other dogs what they want to hear.

She suggested I take our dog Fetch to bed at night. "Many people sleep with their pets," she said, "it might help you sleep."

Definitely not for me. I once took my pet to bed with me. The next morning the bed was totally wet and my goldfish had died.

Fred's Fertile Fish

Years ago, when I lived in London, I rented a room in a large house in a well-to-do part of this Capital city.

My landlord lived with his wife upstairs, and I had a room and small area comprising of a kitchen and bathroom downstairs.

My Landlord, Fred by name, (to protect his true identity of Frederic Banksworthy), was something important in the City. Finance I believe it was. I never quite understood what he did, but he mentioned things like debentures and loans and so on. At first I thought he meant dentures and he was some sort of dentist. But he looked down at me from on top of his spectacles and said, "No young man ... I am talking finance here, not false teeth!"

Anyway, Fred was a posh sort of man and everything he had was top quality and of the best. I recall once he and his wife invited me upstairs to their part of the house for Sunday lunch. There were so many bits of cutlery, (all real silver), on the table that I did not know which to use first. I am very common you understand, and had never heard of asparagus or  Lobster Thermidor, whoever he is.

One Saturday morning a group of workers turned up at the house with a huge digger and started making a big hole in Fred's front garden. He was there, supervising the work like a proud Roman Emperor building his latest mansion. I asked him what was going on and he said, "Wait and see!" as he touched the tip of his nose with his index finger.

Eventually, the workers had built a large pool in the front garden. Not the sort of pool you would swim in - it was about five metres in length and say four in width but only two metres deep.

The intention was that he would put in it some fish which would swim serenely and make him happy every morning and evening as he went and returned from work.

"It will raise the tone of the neighbourhood!" he said to me as he stood next to his wife with a proud smile as a new parent welcoming his new born child.

Once the fish where in, he covered the pool with a thin yet sturdy wire net to keep away prowling birds. I am not sure what he expected to find in London. The last time I checked we had a shortage of sea eagles, cormorants, seagulls, herons, or any kind of fish-eating birds. The best we had were sparrows, robins and wrens; all of whom would need the help of a crane to lift a goldfish from the pool considering the birds' size.

Anyway, Fred and wife were proud of their dozen swimming offspring and did not miss an opportunity to tell everyone about them. I saw them many times talking to neighbours, and when friends visited them, proudly showing off the pool and goldfish to all and sundry.

And that's when I had this silly idea. Let me explain that the goldfish were ordinary fish. Nothing special. The sort of fish which you can buy at any pet shop for a few pennies ... which is what I did!

At first I bought just three. I got them home without anyone noticing me; and at night, when everyone was asleep I got out and put the three fish in the pool.

Imagine Fred's surprise when he set off to work the next morning. I hid behind the curtain and watched him. He stood by the pool as always, then suddenly the wheels started turning in his brain. He stuck out his index finger towards the pool and counted the fish. There were now fifteen. Three more than the previous day. He counted them again. Then he went in upstairs and I heard him telling his wife. They thought their original fish had new babies. They were elated by the good news.

As he came down again I pretended to go to my kitchen. He told me all about his new babies. I congratulated him on being a parent once more.

That night, I added another three similar goldfish to the pool.

Fred was over the moon at the fertility of his children.

The next night I added three more. He could not believe his eyes having counted the twenty-one fish over and again.

That's when I stopped playing my silly game. His fish all lived happily together for a long time.

And I never told him what I had done.

Why is the FISH a symbol of Christianity?

Before I answer this question let me say that I've always wished to swim with dolphins. But I couldn't afford such a holiday so I went swimming with sardines instead.

Now sardines are not as clever as dolphins. Why else would they get into a tin and leave the key on the outside?

Every other canned fish you buy, tuna, salmon, pilchard and so on, you have to open with a can opener. But sardines ... they have a key on the outside. Why?

Unless of course you buy those tins with a ring pull. Again, on the outside ... so the sardines can't pull the ring and get out.

Anchovies thought they'd be clever by being so salty that no one would eat them. They were wrong. They've now become a delicacy much sought after and more fished than before.

And now about the original question ...

The symbol of a fish was found on ancient Christian monuments and buildings. It represents Christ.

The Greek word for "fish" is ICHTHUS.

If we take the letters of that word they provide the first letters of other Greek words.

Iesous Christos Theou Uios Soter

Jesus Christ, Son of God, Saviour

So the symbol of the fish suggests all this to a Christian. It may well have been a secret sign used by early Christians to identify each other.

A Tail of Two Fishes.

This is a true story.

Years ago we had two fishes in a tank in the living room. They were of the goldfish variety. They swam to and fro happily in their tank and all was well.

Well ... not that well really. Because every week I had to empty the tank, clean it, re-fill it with fresh clean water and put in all the necessary tablets that fish require in a tank to live happily and swim to and fro.

After a long period of this weekly tank cleaning I'd had enough. So I put the two fishes in our newly dug pond at the end of our back garden and left them to it. They had to swim or sink as it were!

It's a lovely pond. Much larger than the tank they were in previously, with freshly planted pond weeds and floating flowers of various varieties which I could not name. I guess the pond is no bigger in volume than a couple of bath tubs; (depending on the size of bath tub you have in your bathroom of course; but then you wouldn't admit it here would you?)

Anyway, I left the fish there and every so often we threw in a few fish-feeding pellets which you can get from the pet shop in case the fish survived and were waiting there at their dinner table to be fed. This went on for about a year.

One day I was sitting there by the pond and noticed little one-inch sized silver-coloured fishes floating around in the pond. I looked carefully and yes ... they were small fishes all right. The original two gold-fishes which were about five inches or so big, were also there. I'd recognised them by their large almost transparent tails. The small fishes were swimming around very fast. There were between 6 and 6000 fishes, depending on how quickly you can count moving fishes.

The whole family was over-excited that the two goldfish had survived and now had a family of babies. Over time, the babies grew up to become lovely goldfishes which we can now count easily. There are now exactly eleven fishes in the pond, including the original two; depending of course on how good you are at counting moving fishes.

All this happened some ten or so years ago; and the eleven fishes are still there.

One thing I've often wondered though. Are the original two fishes still there, or have they died and been replaced by new fishes?

I really don't know. But I can tell you this. And this is the honest truth, my friends; believe me!

When I sit by the pond and call the fishes, as I used to when they were in the tank in our living room. I call them saying: "Hey fishy fishy ... hey fishy fishy fishy ..."

Believe me it's true. The fishes totally ignore me just like the original two did when in the fish tank!

Why is the FISH a symbol of Christianity?

Before I answer this question let me say that I've always wished to swim with dolphins. But I couldn't afford such a holiday so I went swimming with sardines instead.

As soon as they saw me all the sardines swam away leaving me alone in the sea as a subject of ridicule and fun. The chief-sardine said: "Oh it's him again ... let's get away as soon as possible!" and they all left at once!

Now sardines are not as clever as dolphins are they? Why else would they get into a tin and leave the key on the outside?

Every other canned fish you buy, tuna, salmon, pilchard and so on, you have to open with a can opener. But sardines ... they have a key on the outside. Why?

Unless of course you buy those tins with a ring pull. Again, on the outside ... so the sardines can't pull the ring and get out.

Anchovies aren't that much cleverer either. They thought they'd avoid capture by being so salty that no one would ever eat them. They were wrong. They've now become a delicacy much sought after and more fished than before. Who'd ever heard of anchovies on pizza before they became salty?

Come to think of it, most fish are somewhat stupid. They have the whole ocean to swim in and yet they swim into cans and tins and put a label on the outside to make themselves more marketable.

And now about the original question ...

Why is the FISH a symbol of Christianity?

The symbol of a fish was found on ancient Christian monuments and buildings. It represents Christ.

The Greek word for "fish" is ICHTHUS.

If we take the letters of that word they provide the first letters of other Greek words.

Iesous Christos Theou Uios Soter

Jesus Christ, Son of God, Saviour

So the symbol of the fish suggests all this to a Christian. It may well have been a secret sign used by early Christians to identify each other.

Why is the FISH a symbol of Christianity?

Before I answer this question let me say that I've always wished to swim with dolphins. But I couldn't afford such a holiday so I went swimming with sardines instead.

Now sardines are not as clever as dolphins. Why else would they get into a tin and leave the key on the outside?

Every other canned fish you buy, tuna, salmon, pilchard and so on, you have to open with a can opener. But sardines ... they have a key on the outside. Why?

Unless of course you buy those tins with a ring pull. Again, on the outside ... so the sardines can't pull the ring and get out.

Anchovies thought they'd be clever by being so salty that no one would eat them. They were wrong. They've now become a delicacy much sought after and fished than before.

And now about the original question ...

The symbol of a fish was found on ancient Christian monuments and buildings. It represents Christ.

The Greek word for "fish" is ICHTHUS.

If we take the letters of that word they provide the first letters of other Greek words.

Iesous Christos Theou Uios Soter

Jesus Christ, Son of God, Saviour

So the symbol of the fish suggests all this to a Christian. It may well have been a secret sign used by early Christians to identify each other.