There once was a sad hamster called Apple Pie with Vanilla Ice Cream. Well, with a name like that you can hardly wonder why this sad hamster was always forlorn and desolate. As miserable as a pub with no beer; only worse.
His owners tried their best to cheer him up, filling his cage with goodies and presents like a big wheel that turned round and round by an electric motor so he no longer had to turn it himself. He could just sit there and see it go round.
They also put his cage next to a TV permanently tuned to a cooking channel so he could enjoy various recipes being created and enjoyed by happy people.
They read him many stories to widen his interest. From books like Hugo's Les Miserable, or Crime and Punishment, to the most boring Shakespeare plays they could think of. They thought that by sharing in other peoples' misery their beloved hamster would cheer up and realise how well-off he was by comparison.
But no, that did not work. The hamster remained miserable and sad and forlorn in no particular order. He would eat very little and grew thinner, and thinner, and thinner, and thinner still.
At one point he just sat there not moving in the corner of his cage for days. His owners took him to the vet fearing the worst. The vet discovered that the hamster had swallowed a fridge magnet and was stuck to the cage.
After a short operation the hamster returned home to recuperate. His owners let him out of the cage to roam free hoping this would cheer him up. But things got worse even more.
The hamster took to drink, and started smoking and being rude to people by giving them hand signals and swearing. He became all cantankerous and grumpy and cranky as some people do when they have no hope, joy and faith in their lives.
(As an aside: I once knew three women called Hope, Joy and Faith. They made me happy but that's another story.)
His owners took the hamster to a dog psychiatrist called Woof Woof. He suggested that the hamster perhaps needed a partner to keep him company. He offered to sell them his St Bernard dog but they turned the offer down because they could not get the dog to fit inside the hamster cage. Instead, they bought a parrot called Gregory Peck. This made matters even worse because the parrot would sit in the cage and tell the hamster sad stories about how miserable the world is and how it would get even worse.
In total despair the hamster left the cage, and the house where he lived with his owners and ran out in the street. He decided to take up golf instead as a pastime and to get a bit of fresh air. Whilst out one day, he got hit in the head by a flying golf ball and was knocked unconscious.
When he woke up he remembered nothing of his past life and became cheerful and happy and joyful like never before. He went forward in life and never looked back again. Because if you look back you're likely to walk into lamp posts or trees. Or fall in a golf hole.
