I'm often (sometimes) asked where I get all my ideas for humourous items from. The thing is, there are various triggering points that happen out of nowhere. For example, I could be in the garden picking apples from the tree, and I see some apples on the ground, and I think of the apple that fell on Newton's head and think:
What if the apple did not fall? What if instead he was sitting under the tree and he was suddenly raised up and his head hit the apple on a branch? Would he have discovered gravy then? What the world would be like without gravy? Eating dried meat or pies. What would an apple pie taste like without cream or ice cream ... ... ...
And so it goes. My mind wanders from one thought to another, and there's no stopping it. Sometimes it happens in my dreams and I wake up and write it down in a notepad.
For example, a young man asks his friend, "Is it all right to talk to my wife when making love?"
His friend replies, "I don't see why not, if there's a cell-phone to hand!"
Meanwhile, whilst I enjoy another single-malt whisky ... ... ...
- This is a fine whisky ... burp ... pardon moi!
- Hic ... yes it is ... made in Scotland you know ...
- Really? I thought it was made in vats ...
- Where's that?
- Vats ... big metal containers. You fill them with water and it turns into whisky.
- I didn't know that. I always thought it was made in Scotland. Have you been?
- To Scotland? Yes ... once or twice ...
- No ... I meant have you been to Vats? I tried going to Woven once. I couldn't find it.
- Where's that?
- It's in Scotland. I had a woollen garment and it said on the label Woven in Scotland. But there's no such place ... burp ... very canny the Scots. They hide their towns if they don't want you to find them. Like they do with the Loch Ness monster ...
- Is he in a vat? The Loch Ness thingamajig thing?
- I shouldn't wonder ... hic ... here have another drink ... like my aunt Thelma used to say, "never test the depth of the water with both feet".
- Is that what happened to the monster? And that's how he vanished? Burp ...
- How should I know? She was very caustic, she was ... Aunt Thelma ...
- Thelma? That's a disinfectant or a toilet cleaner isn't it? Good whisky this ...
- She died penniless. We had to pay for her funeral you know ... very expensive ... we couldn't afford to pay it all at once, so we paid in monthly instalments. The undertaker said if we miss a payment they'd repossess the body ... up she comes ...
- I never had an aunt Thelma ... burp ... pardon me again.
- She used to take offence at everything ... she did ...
- I like fences ... they separate people. Keeps them apart. You build a fence and you say ... this side is mine and this is yours. Keep off my side or else ... or else ... There are wooden fences you know, and metal ones, and plastic ones too ... I've seen them in garden centres. All sorts of fences. You can even build a fence between your garden and your neighbours made of bricks.
- Bricks? If a fence is made of bricks, is it a fence or is it a wall?
- I dunno ... let's ask them people on the Internet thing and see what they say. I hope they don't take offence ...
