Tuesday 16 August 2022

Let us have a sober conversation

I'm often (sometimes) asked where I get all my ideas for humourous items from. The thing is, there are various triggering points that happen out of nowhere. For example, I could be in the garden picking apples from the tree, and I see some apples on the ground, and I think of the apple that fell on Newton's head and think:

What if the apple did not fall? What if instead he was sitting under the tree and he was suddenly raised up and his head hit the apple on a branch? Would he have discovered gravy then? What the world would be like without gravy? Eating dried meat or pies. What would an apple pie taste like without cream or ice cream ... ... ...

And so it goes. My mind wanders from one thought to another, and there's no stopping it. Sometimes it happens in my dreams and I wake up and write it down in a notepad.

For example, a young man asks his friend, "Is it all right to talk to my wife when making love?"

His friend replies, "I don't see why not, if there's a cell-phone to hand!"

Meanwhile, whilst I enjoy another single-malt whisky ... ... ... 
-    This is a fine whisky ... burp ... pardon moi!

-    Hic ... yes it is ... made in Scotland you know ...

-    Really? I thought it was made in vats ...

-    Where's that?

-    Vats ... big metal containers. You fill them with water and it turns into whisky.

-    I didn't know that. I always thought it was made in Scotland. Have you been?   

-     To Scotland? Yes ... once or twice ...

-    No ... I meant have you been to Vats? I tried going to Woven once. I couldn't find it.

-    Where's that?

-    It's in Scotland. I had a woollen garment and it said on the label Woven in Scotland. But there's no such place ... burp ...  very canny the Scots. They hide their towns if they don't want you to find them. Like they do with the Loch Ness monster ...

-    Is he in a vat? The Loch Ness thingamajig thing? 

-    I shouldn't wonder ... hic ... here have another drink ... like my aunt Thelma used to say, "never test the depth of the water with both feet".

-    Is that what happened to the monster? And that's how he vanished? Burp ...

-    How should I know? She was very caustic, she was ... Aunt Thelma ... 

-    Thelma? That's a disinfectant or a toilet cleaner isn't it? Good whisky this ...  

-    She died penniless. We had to pay for her funeral you know ... very expensive ... we couldn't afford to pay it all at once, so we paid in monthly instalments. The undertaker said if we miss a payment they'd repossess the body ... up she comes ...

-    I never had an aunt Thelma ... burp ... pardon me again.

-    She used to take offence at everything ... she did ...  

-    I like fences ... they separate people. Keeps them apart. You build a fence and you say ... this side is mine and this is yours. Keep off my side or else ... or else ... There are wooden fences you know, and metal ones, and plastic ones too ... I've seen them in garden centres. All sorts of fences. You can even build a fence between your garden and your neighbours made of bricks.

-    Bricks? If a fence is made of bricks, is it a fence or is it a wall?

-    I dunno ... let's ask them people on the Internet thing and see what they say. I hope they don't take offence ...


  1. ...a wandering mind is a wonderful gift.

    1. I don't know where mine's gone, Tom.

      God less always.

  2. Taking a Fence.......
    A bunch of Russian labourers are building a fence
    and one of them goes to the foreman and says "Foreman, I have a problem. I just opened this packet of nails and all the heads are on the wrong end."

    "Idiot!" yells the foreman. "Those nails are for the other side of the fence!"
    I was busy in my garden and the neighbour looked over the fence and said.. “What are you doing?”
    I said “I'm putting all my plants in alphabetical order...”

    She replied “Really? I don't know how you find the time..!”

    Oh that's easy I said, “Its right next to the sage.”
    Two women are talking over a garden fence.
    I was sorry to hear about your husband dying in the garden. Whatever happened?

    Well, he was bent over pulling up a cabbage for our dinner and he had a massive heart attack.

    Oh dear, what did you do?

    Nothing else I could do. I had to open a tin of peas...
    A person is walking down the street and hears a bunch of people in a fenced-in yard shouting, “19! 19! 19! 19!” Curious, he walks over and looks through a hole in the fence.
    Someone from the other side pokes him in the eye and they all start shouting, 20! 20! 20!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The End~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    ♬·¯·♩¸¸♪·¯·♫ ♬·¯·♩¸¸♪·¯·♫ ♬·¯·♩¸¸♪·¯·♫ ♬·¯·♩¸¸♪·

  3. I can see this routine on stage! Thoughts go better with a sip ... or several!

    1. Yes, it would be good on stage, Mevely. Such a pity I don't do stage shows any more. I used to like them, and we raised money for charity.

      God bless always.

  4. It's amazing how the mind works.

    1. That's true, Kathy. Often, we subconsciously connect one thought to another. We see an item and think of something else. Psychiatrists use this exercise by asking patients to say the first thing in their mind when a word is mentioned.

      God bless.

  5. Dearest Victor,
    Yes, let us have a SOBER conversation...😜
    Some twists of words actually are very funny; provided you have some humor genes in your DNA.

    1. Yes we do need humour, Mariette. The world is so serious these days and not a happy place.

      God bless you and yours.

  6. When God made your mind, Victor, He threw away the mold! Yes, you are one of a kind in a superb way.

    1. What a nice and kind thing to say, Martha. Thank you.

      I write these things to help my readers. How many did know that there's no Woven in Scotland and that Vats is not a town there either. They'd be spending ages driving round in vain if it was not for this information I share.

      God bless you, Martha.

  7. You can even make fences like I do with deadfall from the trees.
    Your mind is amazing. :)

    1. You are right, Happyone. How could I forget. Over here they make fences by intertwining small young branches which can be bent and tied together.

      Thank you and God bless always.

    2. And commonly known as 'hurdle' fencing....
      Did you know there is also fencing known
      as Laptop fencing...
      Though it is far to big to put on yer lap....! :O).



God bless you.