Three things no one knows about you

 

I don't like work's parties, or gatherings. I've mentioned this before. But at times you have to attend purely because your absence will be more noted than your presence. At least it is so in my case. I was once told I am the sort of person who can brighten up any party by leaving it.

These work's dos are all the same. After work, say 6:00pm or thereabout, everyone gathers in a large room, a drink in hand, also perhaps a sandwich or a canapé, (French for couch or sofa ... why would anyone want to hold a sofa in their hand?) ... anyway, everyone stands there because it is standing-room only and they smile and chat to each other about ... work!

What is the point of that? I'd rather be on the train home to spend my time sitting on a canapé rather than holding one and enjoying a pint of Guinness and sports on TV.

But I had to attend, as I said. 

This time, some idiot decided to liven matters up a bit by suggesting we all tell three things that no one knows about us. What a stupid fathead idea is that? For a start who would want to reveal information that can come back and bite you in the derrière? (French for ...)

Can you imagine someone saying "my three secret things are I spent time in prison for embezzlement, I am having an affair with the boss's wife, and I really don't like canapés"?  

When it came to my turn I made some inane funny comments like, "I wrestle crocodiles, I can smell round corners and can tell who broke wind in the elevator, and when I'm in a hurry instead of a bath I just sit there in the tub and vacuum clean myself!"

But for you, dear loyal readers, I will tell you the truth, as long as you also share three things about you that not many people know. So here goes:

 Years ago I used to be a ventriloquist on radio. I performed with a little dummy every week. No one saw my lips move. The dummy was a knitted replica of me. Here's a photo of the dummy to prove it.

Second thing about me. I also used to be a magician. I used to enter a big sack; a sack that used to contain wheat or some other grain. Members of the audience would tie up the top of the sack with me in it, and I used to escape through a secret trap door at the bottom of the sack. Only one day, I forgot to have the key to the trap door with me and I could not get out.

If you don't believe me, here's a video of one of my tricks I used to perform:

I could never find out how to do this trick, because the magician who taught me would not tell me the secret.

And now the third thing about me that nobody knows. I have always had a secret ambition to knit scarves, or pullovers, out of spaghetti. I was never successful because whenever I tried I got tomato sauce all over the place. I could have been a millionaire with my range of edible knitwear. But it never happened. 

Now over to you ... three things no one knows about you ...