Recorded for Posteriority

You know … if you drive non-stop for 23 hours and 55 minutes you’ll be 5 minutes from Tulsa!

Anyway … as I was about to tell you before I interrupted myself, what an eventful day today has been.

I started the morning by visiting my doctor.

The poor man was not well and I thought it’s kind to visit the sick.

As soon as I entered the doctor’s surgery he asked me to lie down on the couch. I asked him why and he said: “I want to vacuum clean just where you’re standing!”

Then he looked at me and asked, “Do you get severe headaches in the morning, followed by stomach pains and trembling of the knees?”

I replied “No … why?”

“Because I’ve been getting these symptoms for a week and I wondered if you knew what they were!

“Anyhow … what are you here for?” he continued.

I showed him my arm and said, “I’ve hurt myself in three places …”

He replied, “Stop visiting these places!”

“And another thing doctor,” I went on, “when I drink tea I get this very sharp pain in my eye.”

“Take the spoon out of the cup before drinking!”

As I got off the couch the doctor asked me, “Tell me, do you have a horse?”

“No I don’t!”

“Pity,” he said, “I have some horse pills I got from a vet … you wouldn’t like to try them do you? You’ll soon be off at a gallop!"

After the doctor, I went to visit an elderly man I know called Peters. I was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. I watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" I exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," my friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

I then went to church for a quick prayer. Always pays to stay in touch you know. 

The priest invited me for a cup of tea. I made sure I took the spoon out of the cup this time.

He had just bought a parrot to keep him company. 

"Wonderful parrot," he said, "well trained too. The pet shop said he doesn't scream, yell, or swear!"

"I think he's a religious parrot," the priest boasted.

"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the Lord's Prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."

"Wonderful!" I exclaimed, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"

"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.

When I returned home I found the postman in my front garden.

“Is this letter yours,” he asked, “the surname’s obliterated.”

“My surname is Moubarak” I replied.

He gave me the letter. It was from a lawyer. I had been left two valuable items in Aunt Matilda’s last will and testament.

I took the items to an antiques dealer and he confirmed them as a genuine Stradivarius and a Rembrandt.

Unfortunately, Rembrandt was bad at making violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter!