An Impromptu Conversation With A Slug

The other day I came face to face with a slug.

I was sitting in the garden. I had pre-planned that on Tuesday I would have at least half-an-hour rest sitting in my deck chair in the garden.

I always put all my events and tasks in my diary and I like to keep to schedule in order to live an orderly life with the minimum of fuss and rush or panic.

Even though it was raining at the time and the sky was a little grey, I decided to take my 30 minutes pre-planned break in the garden.

As I sat there I saw on the ground on my right ... or was it on my left? No ... it was definitely on my right because I had the tea tray on a table on my left. Because of the rain it took me ages to drink the tea. The cup kept filling up somehow.

Anyhow ... here on my right was this slug on the grass. It looked at me and said, "Hello ...."

I could have fallen off my chair had I not tied myself in with a seat belt. It's not everyday you get to meet a talking slug. This sort of thing never happened before. At least not since the naked Adam and Eve met a talking snake in Paradise.

Well, luckily I was not naked at the time. Had I been naked and met a snake I would have protected my dangly bits in case he took a bite; not engage in a conversation with him.

But as I said, I was not naked and this was a slug, not a snake. It looked at me with its tentacles ... is that what you call those two things above its head? I have to be careful with my choice of words in case I use one that is too rude and upset some of my readers.

To continue ... I wish you would stop interrupting my thoughts ... as I was saying; the slug looked at me with its two bits above its head and said, "Hello!"

"Ehm ... hello," I replied hesitantly. "Where do you come from?"

"From over there ..." he, or she, said. I am not sure because I understand that slugs are hermaphrodites - which has something to do with Aphrodite the ancient Greek goddess associated with love, beauty, pleasure, passion and procreation.

But to continue ... without your interruptions this time ... the slug said, "I came from over there. A few yards away. I have been meaning to talk to you for ages but by the time I walked, or slid to your chair you'd always be gone!"

"Oh sorry ..." I said, "I did not know you wanted to talk to me. What is it you want?"

"Just a chat about this and that," he said, "it's lonely being a slug you know!"

"That's sad," I replied, "but now you're here, I've always meant to ask you but was too embarrassed to ask ... what is the difference between a slug and a snail?"

"Oh ... they carry their houses on their back wherever they go. But we don't," he said, "we're minimalists. If we don't need it we don't have it. Not like many people these days who buy many things they don't need!"

"Oh ..." I said, hiding away my cell-phone, my MP3 player, ear-phones and sunglasses. Why did I have sunglasses in the rain? Because I needed them as I lay backwards to stop the raindrops dropping into my eyes. I'm not stupid you know!

"So the only difference is that you do not carry a home on your back and snails do!" I said.

"Yes ... that's mainly it," replied the slug, "it's an evolutionary process dating back from my great great great grand-father. It started with him."

"How so?" I asked.

"Well," he said thoughtfully, "in them days back then, we all had a home on our backs. But he was claustrophobic. He was afraid to get into his shell. So he threw it away. That's the main difference between us slugs and snails."

"Anything else?" I asked.

"Yes," he said, "snails taste nice with garlic. That's why the French eat them. But they leave us slugs alone!"

And with that he smiled and waved goodbye as he started his long journey back some three yards away.