Leonardo Da Vinci

If you lived between 1452 and 1519, (and I don't mean between 8 minutes to 3 and 19 minutes past 3), I meant the years 1452 and 1519 - now listen up and pay attention.

If you lived between those two years and you met Leonardo da Vinci and called him a buzzard; then you would be right; because he was born out of wedlock. And I don't mean Wedlock a village in rural England. You know exactly what I mean. So let me get on with today's lesson.

Leonardo was born on 14/15 April 1452. I am also reliably informed he was born in hospital Ward A, B and C. He was a large baby who took two days to be born. His mother needed a shot of vino after all that. The nurse looked at the baby and punched his father in the face.

Leonardo had no surname ... ... ...

Do you remember the song by America

"I've been through the desert on a horse with no name
It felt good to be out of the rain
In the desert you can't remember your name
'Cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain ..."

They don't write them like that any more.

Anyway, Leonardo had no surname as such. Da Vinci simply meaning "of Vinci"; his full birth name was Lionardo di ser Piero da Vinci, meaning "Leonardo, (son) of ser Piero from Vinci."

Also, contrary to popular belief, he was not a Ninja Turtle. He was human like you and I and me even.

Now, far be it of me to speak ill of the dead, but Leonardo was a bit of a procrastinator. Not only did he take two days to be born but he also took a long time to actually finish any painting or commission he was offered. He was probably like the modern day plumber or builder who takes far too long to finish a job they started and always in excess of the agreed budget.

I remember once calling a plumber to come and fix an emergency leak in my house and he said he could not come before 17 July 2023 - in the afternoon, because he was taking belly dancing lessons in the morning.

Anyway, as I was saying before my mind wandered sideways, at a tangent as it were. Thankfully it did not wander in full circle otherwise it would have come back and hit me.

Leonardo was a procrastinator. In fact he did not decide to be a procrastinator until the following day.

For example, it took him about 14 years to paint the Mona Lisa.

This famous painting known as the Mona Lisa, or La Gioconda in Italian, or La Joconde in French, or the Mona Lisa in English, (I don't know what it's called in other languages), is an oil painting on poplar by Leonardo da Vinci.

Basically, it is a painting on a piece of wood which Leonardo found one day in the garage having finished painting the garden fence and gate. Apparently he had some paint left over, and so as not to waste it, he decided to paint the young lady next door whilst her husband, Francesco del Giocondo, was on a business trip to Rome and the trains were running late that day.

Art experts and historians believe that the painting was painted between 1503 and 1506, although some claim that Leonardo may have still been working on it as late as 1517; which you must admit is a very long time for Mrs Gioconda to sit still to be painted. Can you imagine her husband being on a train journey for 14 years?

Trains are often late these days too. Our railway people said they will fix the problem by changing all time-tables and replacing them with calendars instead. "The train on Platform 1 will arrive in London on Wednesday".

The other day they said all trains will be late due to shortage of staff. Why can't they employ taller ones?

As I was saying, the Mona Lisa painting is the best known and most visited painting in the world. It has been talked about more than any other painting and it was also sung about by Nat King Cole and others. The reason for this is the enigmatic smile on the lady's face.

"Why is she smiling?" experts have asked. "Is it because she's having her picture taken?" or "Is it because Leonardo, painting her, has forgotten that his trouser zipper is undone?" Can you imagine that for 14 years?

After extensive research, and through many conversations with art experts in London, and a friend living in the house next door to where my aunt lives, I can reveal for the first time why the Mona Lisa is smiling so. The reason is so obvious and so simple that I'm astounded it escaped so many art experts over the years.

If the lady in question had to sit still from 1503 to 1506, or possibly 1517, she was quite simply grimacing because she wanted to go to the toilet.

It's as simple as that.