Stop Rambling On Your Blog

Anyway, as I was saying before I lost my train of thoughts. There I was years ago on holiday in France. In Nice I think it was, or was it the Côte d'Azur, anyway ... wherever. I was there with a mathematician friend called Theo Thereafter. Odd name for a mathematician, I thought. His other friend was called Norman Nevertheless. Not that their names matter one jot.

We were there in France and we hired a boat from a Greek called Zorba. You should have seen him dance.

Unfortunately the boat ran out of fuel somewhere off-shore and we passed the time with my friend the mathematician explaining the difference between the mean, the median, the mode, the average and the range. Not that I cared about any of them.

Then he mentioned the medium. I must admit the only medium I met who could speak to the "other side" as it were was not a medium at all. She was in fact extra large. She was so big you had to take a bus to go round her. But that's another story.

I remember she was a clairvoyant as well as a medium. Once she had a seance postponed due to unforeseen circumstances. She was particularly good at communicating with dead animals and pets. Which is a feat in itself seeing I can't even communicate with our dog who is very much alive. When I point to his bed and say, "Go to bed!" he looks at my finger instead and asks, "Who's Fred?"

People think my dog is clever. A friend called on me once and was amazed to find me playing chess with my dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," I replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

This extra large medium lady once talked to a dead parrot that someone in the audience had as a pet. She said the message she received from the other side was a little garbled because it kept repeating it self.

She hypnotised a man in the audience and tried to get him to communicate with his dead horse. Whilst asleep the man kicked her in the backside. Apparently he'd had a nightmare.

That's a long way from the holiday in France you might say; and it's true. Do you know that once in Scotland I was thrown out of a zoo because I frightened the snakes. I was told I looked like a raccoon. The snake is one of the most intelligent creature in the animal kingdom. Especially adders which are good at mathematics.

I was with that mathematician I mentioned before on a train once; hence me following my train of thoughts from the beginning of this story. The train travelled by a field full of sheep and my friend said "there's 101 sheep there!"

I asked him how did he count them so fast. He replied, "Easy, I counted their legs and divided by four!"

To impress him, in the next field there were some cows. I quickly counted 239 legs. Which means either one cow had lost a leg; or there was a cow with three legs.

So as I said, I was with him and his friend on the boat in France and we were fishing. We caught 27 fishes. None had legs. I said, "This is a good spot to fish. We need to mark this spot and return here to fish tomorrow."

Norman, his friend, said, "I'm ahead of you there. I have marked the side of the boat with an X to mark the spot!"

Theo replied, "You idiot! How can you be so sure tomorrow we'll get the same boat?"

Which reminds me; why is it you can't buy a fishing net with no holes?

Generally fishing is boring. I'd rather be fishing for fish sticks; it's more convenient.

Anyway, eventually we called on another boat to pull us in to shore because we'd run out of fuel. Ashore, Zorba the Greek was still waiting and very angry that we took so long hiring his boat. So we lowered it because it was so high.

Can't remember what I wanted to say when I started this post. Perhaps you'd remind me!