Insects and all that ...

Once upon a time there was a moth which flew in through a chiropodist's open window and said, "Doctor, please help me out!"

"Of course," said the chiropodist, "which window did you come in?"

"No ... no ..." said the moth, "I meant I need your medical help ... I am depressed ... always sad and depressed ..."

"Sorry I can't help you," said the medic, "I am a chiropodist. Not a psychiatrist, or psychologist, or hypnotist or any similar medic that can help you with depression".

"Yes, I know," said the depressed moth.

"Why did you come in and see me then?" asked the medic.

"Because the light was on ..." replied the moth.

Oh well ... it made me laugh anyway.

Reminds me of another story. One day as I was going to work I noticed a snail on my doorstep. I nearly trod on it and killed it. To save it from a mishap I picked it up and threw it in a bush some three feet away out of harm's way.

A week later the doorbell rang. I opened the door and the snail said, "What was all that about, throwing me in the bush?"

I hope this one made you smile. How about ...

The following day the doorbell rang again and there on my doorstep was a hammerhead shark. I invited him in to watch the football on TV. He said, "can't get in ... your door is not wide enough!"

I think you're a tough crowd today, but I'll continue ... I can go on all day until I get a smile from at least one of you.

The following day the doorbell rang continuously ... non-stop ... ding dong ding dong ding dong ding dong ... shall I go on? Ding dong ding dong ding dong ding dong ...

I opened the door and there was this huge gorilla standing there. I said, "all right mate ... you can stop now!"

He said, "I can't ... my finger is stuck on your doorbell!"

Gorilla ... stuck ... come on now folks ... give me a break!

Did you know if you are having a picnic and you're bothered by wasps the best way to get rid of them is to hang a paper bag from a nearby tree? They'll think it is another wasps nest and they'll go away from its territory.

Make sure the paper bag does not have the shop's name on it. This will not fool the wasps.

The best place to have a picnic apparently is in a cemetery ... no body there to bother you.

I love animals ... don't you? I have spent a fortune on sick animals ... mainly sick horses and dogs. Mind you, I did not know they were sick when I placed a bet on them to win.

My parents used to make me walk the plank ... we did not have a dog.

We were very poor in them days. Did not even have the bare essentials. We used to tie a hedgehog to a stick and use it as a toilet brush.

Have you ever been swimming with dolphins? I never did. I'd like to go cycling with dolphins. If we humans can learn to swim I can't see why the lazy so and sos can't learn to cycle.

As a child I loved to observe ants on a sunny day with a magnifying glass. It's odd how they burst into flames. Instant combustion … it's more common than you think amongst ants!

I killed a cockroach whilst staying at a cheap hotel once. Within minutes my room was infested by cockroaches. They'd come for the funeral.

And finally ... a skunk running through the forest suddenly stops as the wind changes direction. He says, "Ah ... it's all coming back to me now!"

And really finally ... a hyena in the forest meets some monkeys and asks for their help. Apparently, every so often a lion attacks it and beat it black and blue. The monkeys agree to help. A little later the lion attacks the hyena in a ferocious fight. The monkeys all climb up a tree and watch.

Eventually, the lion has had enough fun and walks away, leaving the hyena torn to pieces.

"Why did you not help me?" the hyena asks the monkeys.

They replied, "You were laughing so much we thought you were enjoying it!"