I do stand-up

 

There was a young man called Vic
Who gave a hard kick to a brick.
Now what do you know,
Vic injured his toe.
And is hobbling around with a stick.

I went to the dentist. He asked me how I would feel if he gave me an anaesthetic. I told him I wouldn't.

She stood on the burning deck,
Her heart was all a quiver.
She gave a little cough
And her leg fell down the river.

 

Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around and having to imagine what my friends' food looked like.

I'm a hypochondriac. That's what my gynaecologist told me.  

A certain young lady named Lilly
Likes knickers - light pink and frilly.
In winter she wears
Maybe three or four pairs,
To keep her from feeling too chilly.

After a lot of research I decided to write a book on OCD, (obsessive-compulsive disorder). It's taken me ten years and I have now decided on the font.

I bought one of those new memory mattresses. It is now trying to blackmail me!

The one and only time I let my pet sleep with me in bed I woke up the next morning with the bed totally soaked and my goldfish dead.

How to stop porridge sticking to the bottom of the pan. Eat toast.

Happiness is getting home and finding there’s still cheese in the mousetrap.

Ever since I met that man he has been swearing at me, cursing and moaning and whining.

When did you meet him?

Right now when I ran over him in my car.