Stand well back ...

 

Stand well back from your computer because I am about to get very angry.

Why is it that sometimes the whole world conspires to go against me? All I want is a quiet life minding my own business and largely ignoring everyone else. I am in no way prejudiced. I keep my distance from everyone equally. Including my mother-in-law.

This morning I had planned to take it easy, perhaps do a little gardening, sit in the sun a bit with a nice cool drink, talk to the birds and bees or even the dog. But did it happen this way? No ... I said NO !!!

No sooner I dozed off in the sunshine that I heard a noise up in the sky like a  burning furnace or something ... Wooosh ... it went  ... Woosh .... WOOOSH ...

I nearly fell off my chaise-longue. Oh yes ... I can be as sophisticated as the next man. Or if there's a woman sitting nearby ... as the next woman.

Up in the sky there was one of those hot air balloons with a big furnace type contraption blowing hot air and a wicker basket underneath with a man inside it. 

A voice from above shouted, "WHERE AM I?"

I replied, "You can't fool me, mate. You're in that basket attached to the balloon."

The contraption responded with, "Wooosh ... Wooosh ..." as he floated away.

I went indoors to tell my wife what happened. She was not too interested but had a long shopping list of items for me to get from the supermarket. I pretended to have hurt myself when I fell off the chaise-longue. She said don't be a snob it is only a plastic chair. 

She decided to drive to the supermarket and pick me up later when she had finished her many chores.

I did the shopping as quickly as I could. Our supermarket has automatic self-service check-out machines whereby you scan your own goods and pay by credit card yourself. I like them because I don't have to be pleasant to the check-out assistants on the other machines.

I scanned all my shopping. The machine would not accept my credit card. I tried another card. Same thing. I called an assistant and tried hard to be pleasant. She could not get the machine to work. She suggested I move to another self-service machine and try again. I re-scanned all my shopping. This machine too would not accept my credit card. My stock of pleasantness was running low.

Another assistant suggested I move to one of those check-outs with an assistant in it. I put all my items in my trolley for the third time and moved to another check-out. There was a queue. I was third in the queue or line.

The shopper at the front, a very old lady of a 130 years of age, wanted to pay everything in pennies. She counted all her coins on the counter. Why can't people have their money ready? Or pay by credit card, or do their shopping on-line? There is a limit to my patience and good-will you know!  

The shop assistant was like a dummy with a University Degree in stupidity. She sat there doing nothing. The old lady did not have enough money for her shopping. I decided to take matters in hand.

I left all my shopping on the conveyor belt and moved forward to the front by-passing the young man dressed in lycra pants who was second in the queue.

Don't you hate those close-hugging lycra pants that cling to your body revealing every contour and curve? I don't mind women wearing them ... but men look as if they have hidden some vegetables in the front of their pants!

Anyway, I moved to the front and offered to help the old lady. I felt sorry for her. I suggested I help her put all the shopping she could not afford back on the shelf. The check-out assistant said this won't be necessary. Turned out the old lady had enough money for her shopping and she left.

Then she scanned the second person in the queue. Turned out that lycra man is super modern and wanted to pay using his cell-phone. I did not know you can do that. You type a code on your cell-phone and put the phone next to the credit card paying machine and hey presto you have paid for your shopping. But it was not hey presto ... the cell-phone ran out of electricity or battery or whatever makes it work. He did not have any cash on him. No wonder ... nowhere to put the cash in those tight lycra pants. Not even amongst his vegetables.

He had a credit card. I wonder where he swiped it to pay. He took his shopping and left.

It was now my turn and I was running out of patience, goodwill and kindness towards everyone.

As soon as the check-out assistant picked up my first item her cell-phone rang. Now I think she should have ignored it. She didn't. She spoke in the cell-phone and then burst out crying.

Turned out that her grand-mother had just died. 

Now I don't know how to deal with situations like this. Do I move to another check-out?

I said to her, as kindly as I could, "look miss ... your grand-mother will still be dead in a few minutes from now. Could you perhaps scan my shopping and cry later?"

She cried some more. I mean ... no consideration for the customers these days ... she was crying on my time ... If she did not have a cell-phone she would have been crying later anyway.

Another assistant turned up. They discussed the matter and the second assistant took over and the first one went away. The machine did accept my credit card.

I rushed out as my wife was arriving in the car park. She said she'd been driving round the block for the last half-hour. How long does it take for me to do a little shopping? I am inept and useless.