One Liners Plus

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience. 

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat, soft drinks, fast foods, even vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake"

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A drunk man who smelled like cheap wine sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be blown," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

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 I finally realized my parents favoured my twin brother. It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

“Back in the day,” my grandfather started to say, “You could walk into a grocery store with $1 in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bit of butter as well.”

“But today,” he continued, “Wherever you go, there are CCTV cameras.”

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 I love how in horror movies the person will ask, "Is anyone there?" As if the killer would say "Oh yeah I'm in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?"

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