On the couch

 

Thank you for seeing me so quick doctor. My real doctor said I needed to see a psychiatrist.

You real doctor hein? OK ... lie on the couch and tell me what's wrong with you.

I feel run down.

Don't worry about that; I'm sure the police will catch the driver who did it. How do you feel at this very moment?

Well, if I knew how to spell it I would say I was lethargic.

Lethargic? You mean you feel tired?

Sluggish is perhaps the mot juste to use. One has to be precise in one's conversation. It gives it that certain je ne sais quoi!

Somewhat pretentious are we?

Not pretentious, but perhaps a little tentious. Everything seems to feel so burdensome these days and so depressing.

Do you sleep well at night?

In between my wife snoring and talking in her sleep.

I see ... what does she say? 

I don't know. She speaks in French and I don't know French.

C'est la vie, I suppose. You say you don't feel well, tell me ... what are the symptoms?

They are little yellow people on TV. There's Homer and his wife Marge and the children Bart and Lisa and ...

OK ... I understand ... now then this is a little bit personal, when you're in bed with your wife ... how is your libido?

Oh I sold that Italian car. I now drive a Toyota instead.

OK ... let's try something else. Tell me about your dreams ... when you manage to sleep that is with your wife snoring ...

OH ... it is only one recurring dream doctor. I keep dreaming about the football games. The elephants versus the giraffes in the jungle. Every night the same dream. Sometimes the elephants win and sometimes the giraffes. 

Well, that should not be a problem. Take one of these pills tonight and the dreams will be gone.

Not tonight doctor ... it's the finals.

I see ... now tell me something else. Do you have any irrational fears?

I was afraid you were going to ask me that!

Why is that?

Because I am afraid of psychiatrists. They ask all sort of questions. Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist needs to have his head examined. I'm so fearful of psychiatrists that I went to a hypnotist to cure me of my fear of psychiatrists.

What happened then?

He put me to sleep and when I woke up there was a psychiatrist in bed with me.

And did that cure you?

No ... I fell off the bed and broke my wrist. 

Well, we've run out of time. I diagnose you are a little hypochondriac, a bit pretentious, with tendencies to being ostentatious as well as preposterous. 

What does all that mean?

It means you have to buy a copy of the Oxford English Dictionary.