Smiling is a state of mind

 

I've just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden.

And I'm thinking, "Who is going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?"

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My son asked me what procrastinate means. I said, “I’ll tell you later.”

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My wife called me today while I was at work and said, “Honey, I’ve started to get contractions. I need you to drive to the hospital.”

Forty-five minutes later when I got there, I called her back and asked, “Right I’m here, what do you want me to do now?”

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I walked into the dentist’s and said, “I think I’m a moth.”

The dentist said, “I don’t think you should be here. You need to see a psychiatrist.”

I said, “I am seeing a psychiatrist.”

He said, “What are you doing here then?”

I said, “The light was on.”

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Scientists have finally discovered what women really want.

Trouble is, now they’ve changed their minds … (sorry ladies).

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I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all.

“How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me.

“Nothing” I slurred.

“Look at me!” she shouted, “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought, and said, “It’s you, I can tell by the voice.”

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My computer said I had to change my password. I entered “beefstew”.

My computer said “Sorry password not stroganoff.”

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A lumberjack applies for a job and gets called for an interview.

The interviewer asks him, “So, what experience do you have?”

The lumberjack replies, “Well, I used to work in the Sahara Forest.”

The interviewer is a little taken aback and asks, “The Sahara Forest? Don’t you mean the Sahara Desert?”

The lumberjack says, “Yeah, that’s what they call it now.”

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Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex any more. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman’s husband.

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They say childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience.

Maybe I was too young to remember, but I don’t think it hurt that much.

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So many people these days are too judgemental. I can tell just by looking at them.

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I’ve recently developed a phobia of elevators ….. I’m taking steps to avoid them.

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