Something to smile about

 

 

My massage therapist got fired. I guess she rubbed too many people the wrong way.

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I love to pamper my wife after she’s had a stressful day at work.

I get her to text me when she’s leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so that the moment she walks through the door… the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.

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I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.

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I said to the doctor, “Every time I eat birthday cake I get heartburn”. She told me to take the candles off first in future

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I was walking along the street yesterday when I slipped in some dog poo.

A minute later this big guy did the same thing. I said to him, “I just did that,” and he punched me in the face. 

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I’m allergic to bread but eat it anyway. I’m a gluten for punishment.

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Whoever said you can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop!

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My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.”

I was home in 5 minutes. I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.

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How does NASA organize a party? They planet.

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I get a sharp pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. The doctor told me to take the spoon out of the cup first.

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The party was very successful and everyone got rather drunk. One of the guests approaches the hostess and asks: "Do lemons have feathers?"

She says, "No".

He slurs, "In that case I squeezed the canary in my drink!"

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Don't worry if plan A fails. There are 25 more letters in the alphabet!