Thursday, 23 January 2014

There was a woman in my bed

It was late in the evening when I entered my hotel room. It had been a long day at work with one meeting following another, and then I had to attend a Conference where they discussed ways to extrapolate sales and costs figures against profits in order to estimate how many paper clips we’ll need five years from now. It was so exhilarating that I could not sleep at all throughout the Conference.

Anyway, I got to my hotel room late and got myself in by using one of those electronic cards you put in a slot and the door opens. I did not bother to switch all lights on. A small light shone from a nearby table-lamp and this was enough. I intended to fall into bed and dream of better days.

As I took my jacket off a man got out of the en-suite bathroom in his pajamas. Why he had an en-suite bathroom in his pajamas I do not know. Maybe he was rich and could afford an en-suite bathroom in his pajamas; whilst the rest of us have to be content with an elastic band or a cord to keep our pajama pants up.

I don’t know what nationality he was, but as soon as he saw me the man said: “Qui ĂȘtes-vous? Que faites-vous ici?”

I know exactly what he said because I remember writing it down at the time. I then took out a dictionary to translate but could not understand a word. It was an Italian dictionary.

The man shouted at me and beckoned me to get out of my room. At which point an enormously rotund woman got up from my bed and she too started shouting at me “Allez-vous en!  Allez-vous en!” and waving her hands in the air. 

I wrote that down too but could not find a translation in my Italian dictionary.                             .

I picked up my jacket and as I turned to get out I accidentally knocked a large whicker basket which was on the table beside me. The top of the basket opened and a flock of pigeons came flying out into the room. They flew everywhere, trying to land on something high up. Luckily the bedroom door was shut and they eventually settled on the wardrobe, hanged from the chandelier, (it was a posh hotel), and one settled on the man’s head.

There was cooing and flapping of wings everywhere. A few feathers floated in the air before settling to the ground. The pigeons did what most animals do when frightened and started leaving deposits everywhere. Including on the man’s head.

I was totally stunned by what had just happened and stood perfectly still. The rotund woman picked up the phone on the bedside table and started shouting in broken English “pee john pee john …”

Moments later a hotel porter entered the room and disturbed all the pigeons which started flying all over again and dropping deposits all over the place.

We waited until they had settled down and then he asked me “Why do you have pigeons in your room, Sir? Pets are not allowed in this hotel!”

I was astounded that he asked me about the pigeons and had totally ignored the fact that I also had a rotund woman in my bed and a man with an en-suite bathroom in his pajamas.

He asked for my electronic card which he tested on the door. It worked. He then took the man’s electronic card. It worked too.

You guessed it. It was a double booking and we’d both been given the same cards.

I picked up my luggage and was moved to another room.

By now you may be asking why there were pigeons in a wicker basket in my room.


I was told the man was a magician and he used the pigeons in his act by making them appear and disappear out of a hat. Apparently his wife, whilst younger and less rotund, was a stripper and she too used the pigeons in her act. For an encore the pigeons used to take their feathers off!


  1. Lol! This story is hilarious, Victor! You lead a crazy life!

    1. You got to laugh Mary. You got to laugh.

      God bless.

  2. Silly. :) Reminded me of a Franz Kafka novel, except your story was comic while Kafka novels are sort of creepy.

    1. Nothing creepy in my life Manny. Just a lot of feathers flying through the air.

      God bless you.

  3. Hi Victor! This is a joke right? You didn't really find this in a hotel room, did you? The part about the Italian dictionary was priceless. I laughed out loud! But I always do when I'm here. What a wonderful sense of humor you have.

    Sure helps to get through the twists and turns of life, doesn't it?
    Have a good weekend, and stay away from those pesky pigeons!

    1. Hi Ceil,

      I'm so glad I made you laugh. A lot of my stories are fictional to bring a smile to readers' faces and also, I find, they attract new readers. I hope that whilst they are here they get to learn about Christianity from my more serious posts. Of course, most fictional stories have an element of truth in them based on experience.

      The main point is to laugh. Which I must admit, this story did for me. I must read it again!

      God bless.

  4. You made me laugh too Victor! Thank you!



God bless you.