Tuesday, 13 November 2018

Medical Matters



Why is it when you visit an optician he always checks whether you can read before he examines you? Every time I go for a check up the optician asks me if I can read the alphabets from a chart on the wall. What has knowledge of the alphabets got to do with an eye examination? And why do the letters get smaller as you read? Are they trying to save ink?

The last time I went, the optician had a small TV monitor on the wall with the alphabets on. He was called out by the nurse to answer a phone call. So I memorized all the alphabets on the screen to show him that I could read as well as anyone else.

When he came back he clicked on his computer and put on new letters on the screen. That is cheating I think.

A friend of mine went to the same optician and complained that he could see blurred pink elephants everywhere. They were big and pink, but all blurred.

The optician asked him to read the alphabets and then gave him some spectacles asking: “Is this better?”

My friend replied: “Yes … I can see the pink elephants much clearer now!”

Going to the doctor is not much better.

For a start they all have very ancient magazines and newspapers in their waiting rooms. I’m told it is to help you remember the good old days. Although I was saddened to read that a ship called Titanic sank the other day!

Whilst at the doctor’s waiting room there was a very old man all bent down with back pain and holding on to his walking stick. He struggled in to the doctor’s and a few minutes later he came out standing all tall straight and proud. Everyone thought it was a miracle.

He said “No miracle … the doctor gave me a taller walking stick!”

When I went in to the doctor’s I told him I get a pain when I raise my arm up, like when putting something on a shelf. He said: “Don’t raise your arm up!”

I also told him I get a sharp pain in my eye when I drink tea. He said: “Take the spoon out of the cup first!”

I explained that sometimes I envy my dog. All he does is eat, sleep and go for walks. He never bothers about paying bills or bad news on TV. The other day I was out in the garden cleaning his business and my dog looked at me as if to say: “That’s great … I get to poop where I want. And you get to pick it up! Who’s the boss now?”

The doctor asked me: “How long have you envied your dog?”

I said: “Ever since I was a puppy!”

He asked me to lie down on the couch. I replied: “I’m not allowed on the couch!”

He then threw his stethoscope at the corner of the room and I told him to fetch it himself.

He opened his drawer and brought out a packet of pills and said, "Take one of these with a drink once a day!" The pills were huge, the size of a golf ball. I pointed this out and asked "What are the pills for?"

"I don't know," he replied, "they are horse suppositories given to me by a vet friend of mine and I'm trying them out on my patients.

"And I'll tell you something else," he continued, "a few days ago I gave these same pills to another patient. I told him to put one in his back passage every day and to come and see me after a week.

"Apparently, he put a pill by the back door passage of his house every night before going to bed. When he returned I asked him if he felt any better and he replied: 'No way ... these pills are useless. I may as well have put them up my backside for all the good they did!' "

After the doctor’s I went to the dentist to make an appointment which I can miss later. You hear all sort of horror stories about dentists don’t you?

I nearly got killed by a dentist some years ago. I was driving down a country lane and he came at me at speed on the wrong side of the road. Now I avoid all dentists at all costs.

At the chiropractor I was asked whether I get back pains early in the morning all down my spine accompanied by pains in the knees and elbows. I replied: “No … why do you ask?”

The practitioner replied: “I’ve been getting them all week and I wondered if you knew what it was!”

He then asked me to lie on the couch. I asked him why? He replied "Because I want to vacuum clean just where you're standing!"

I told him I’d only come to fix the carpet which was a bit loose in his room. He said: “Whilst you’re down there can you pick up my pen, because I can’t bend down with back pain!”

A friend of mine went to hospital so they could check her hearing. When I picked her up she had half a lemon stuck in each ear. I asked her if this was a new type of hearing aid. She said: “No … lemonade!”

24 comments:

  1. I always check the dates on magazines, I prefer to read the newer ones.

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  2. I don't like doctors. When ever my ex-wife was pissed off at me, she would make an appointment for me to get a physical.

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    1. Doctors are like car mechanics. They always find something wrong with you.

      A friend of mine went to the doctor for an allergy test. The doctor put various liquids on his arm and wrote beside them what they derive from, (house dust, pollen, wheat etc ...) to check which will have a reaction. It turned out the man was allergic to the ink in the pen.

      God bless you, JoeH.

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  3. Replies
    1. Laughter is the best medicine, Chris.

      God bless you.

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  4. Lol, Victor, just what the doctor ordered!
    Blessings!

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    Replies
    1. Laughter is good for us, Martha. When I went to the doctor he just laughed at me and said, "By Jove, I needed that!"

      God bless.

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  5. Laughter can often be a very good medicine …
    Thank you Victor

    All the best Jan

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    Replies
    1. Yes indeed, it is good to laugh Jan. It releases dolphins within us who tickle us from inside.

      God bless.

      Delete
  6. Allergic to the ink in the pen, LOL. Brillant one Victor. I had a test like that years ago to see why I had a rash on my arm. I wasn't allergic to anything and he didn't have a solution. I'm not a fan of doctors. They are just people who share their opinions on what could be wrong, give you something and tell you to come back. Nice racket, I say. :)
    Thanks for the laugh and have w great evening.

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    Replies
    1. I understand what you say about doctors, Bill. I hear that they tend to bury their mistakes; the cemetery is full of them.

      God bless you. Happy evening.

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  7. "Lemonade" FUNNY, Victor! As for Dr. Son In Law, anytime I begin a complaint with him--he already has it and worse. NO SYMPATHY!
    Blessings!

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    Replies
    1. Hi Lulu,

      I wonder, where do doctors go when they don't feel well? Do they go to another doctor for a second opinion? What if they don't agree? Do they decide by playing Rock–paper–scissors?

      God bless.

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  8. Oh my, Victor, too many giggles today!!

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  9. Must confess, I try and do the same and quickly memorize the optician's little alphabet chart. Thanks for the laughter!

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    1. Does your optician change the letters on the computer screen, Mevely? He really got me when he did that. He tapped his computer and the letters changed to another set for me to read.

      God bless you, my friend.

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    2. No; come to think of it, there were no new letters. Perhaps they felt pity for this old lady.

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    3. In the old days the letters were printed on card board on the wall. These days they have them on a computer monitor on the wall instead.

      God bless you, Mevely.

      Delete
  10. Thanks for the laughs once again.

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    Replies
    1. I'm glad you enjoyed this post, Happyone.

      God bless you.

      Delete
  11. Now I know that my funny bone is healthy thanks to you Victor :D

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    Replies
    1. I'm so happy that I made you smile, Jan.

      God bless you always.

      Delete

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