Monday 18 February 2019

Church Council Meeting


Hello everyone and thank you for attending this church council meeting ... Alleluia and all that!

Now then ... the first item on the agenda I would like to bring to your attention is the parking situation on Sundays.

As you know, we have a small car park at the front of the church, and a much larger one at the back. Could I ask you please when you arrive to church on Sunday to first try to find a parking place at the front car park, unless your parking there would block the entrance and thus impeding the entrance or egress to the car park for other vehicles intending to enter or leave therein or thereout.

If you find this is the case ... i.e. your parking at the front would block other vehicles ... then we ask you to park at the much larger car park at the back of the church which has more than one entrance and exit being just a large field rather than a car park per se ... that is, unless the farmer to whom we sublet the field has let his sheep graze therein or thereabout; in which case we would ask you to park in the streets surrounding the church.

If you attend the 8:00 am Mass on Sunday morning we would ask you to hurry up and go home quickly after Mass rather than dilly-dally and chat in the car park; or go to the church hall for a cup of tea and a biscuit. This is because your being still here after the 8:00 am Mass has finished interferes with the commencement of the 9:15 am Mass with cars from both the front and back car parks leaving at the same time as other cars are arriving for the 9:15 am Mass, thus causing congestion in both car parks as well as the surrounding streets wherein cars are parked which have not been parked in either car parks.

This problem of cars from both car parks causing a congestion in both car parks as well as the streets is further exacerbated when Father Onto Long keeps going on and on with one of his interminable sermons. The other week, when he started his sermon there was a young newly married couple sitting in the front pew. By the time he finished his sermon they were playing with their grand-children.

I have to report that there have been complaints as to the number of church collections we have at Mass every Sunday. Personally, I don't think three collections are too many ... it is one thing we Catholics do well.

May I remind you please, especially if you have visited the many casinos in town, not to put your casino chips in the collection plate when it comes round. This causes confusion to our church treasurer, Mr Banks, who has to separate all the casino chips and send them to the nearby monastery where they are sorted and taken to the respective casinos to be cashed in. This job is done at the monastery by chip monks.

Now let me turn to the forthcoming Garden Fete to raise money for the Bishop's Maintenance Fund. I did not know he was falling apart; but then when you consider his age some things must be getting a little loose by now!

Anyway ... the first item to mention is the Bingo Stand ... or Lotto ... another Catholic speciality. May I remind you Mr Tom Bola not to call out the numbers in Latin to ensure that only Catholics win. This is hardly fair to our friends from the Churches Ecumenical Fraternity. After all, this is our only yearly chance to get some money out of them so let's give them a fighting chance.

On a similar vein, Miss Dollie Parson, may I remind you that last year's naming of the doll contest was also a little unfair. Who could have possibly guessed that the doll was named Agape after a Saint of that name? Admittedly, the previous year naming the doll Mary resulted in 237 winners of naming the doll; but choosing Agape is far way on the other side of the scale of possibilities.

And whose idea was it to hide a brick inside the cake for the guess the weight of the cake contest? Was it you Mrs Mortar?

And another thing, let us not repeat last year's experience with the Lucky Dip barrel. The idea is for people to put their hand into the barrel full of saw dust and retrieve a small prize which will make them happy. Hiding in the barrel condoms filled with chocolate pudding was totally in bad taste ... and we still have not discovered who the culprit was.

We believe it is the same person who filled whoopee cushions with the same chocolate cream and left them lying around in the tea room for guests to sit on.

Regarding the bric-à-brac stall, the idea is to sell uwanted items which you believe people would love and cherish in their homes ... things like objets d'art, curios, elaborately decorated teacups and small vases, compositions of feathers or flowers under glass domes, decorated eggshells, porcelain figurines, painted miniatures or photographs in stand-up frames, and so on. It does NOT include selling your mother-in-law ... or your second-hand car ... or your half-eaten pizza which you no longer want. Let's take this seriously folks and bring to the stall things that people with no taste would wish to buy.

There being no other matter on the agenda, I declare this meeting closed.

18 comments:

  1. First of all, I almost didn't make it to this meeting because I wasn't sure where I was supposed to park. BTW...the farmer may be coming to this meeting,too. I do believe that I scattered his sheep and little Bo-Peep can't find them.
    I cannot stay long at this meeting. I am old and my legs hurt but I dare not sit down anywhere in this place.
    Sorry that I can't stay for the full meeting but I am late for a luncheon with my friends at the Casino...

    Loved this Victor!!! Thank you for the laughs at the chaotic church meeting 💒

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    1. The thing is, Jan, I have known meetings just like this. I was on the church parish council once. We met to discuss several important things like church maintenance, buildings work etc ... They also wanted to discuss the forthcoming Garden Fete. Before you know it, they were discussing what fillings to have in the sandwiches: cheese and cucumbers, or ham or ... I could not believe they were serious. This went on for about half-an-hour.

      Next meeting ... the same. They discussed unimportant things. I soon resigned from the parish council.

      God bless.

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  2. This is all SO Catholic! LOL And this one almost made me snort coffee!! "This job is done at the monastery by chip monks." Very funny, Victor!

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    1. So glad this has made you laugh, Terri.

      God bless you.

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  3. Now this one really had me rolling, Victor! How I love your word play and the absurd situations. Truly amazing!
    Blessings!

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    1. I am so pleased when my readers enjoy my writings, Martha. Thank you for your kind comment.

      God bless you and yours.

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  4. I remember attending some of these church meetings. I was attending a Quaker Meeting when we had a meeting. The discussion was on should we replace the benches with chairs. There were benches in the meeting house and some people thought they were uncomfortable. So, as Quakers do, they pondered the question before they were going to give their answer. It went on for months and eventually the benches stayed. No decision was made, it just ran out of steam. :)

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    1. I understand exactly what you mean, Bill. Same happened at our Parish Council meetings. They went on discussing the same unimportant subject month after month until it became no longer relevant.

      God bless.

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  5. The names ALWAYS bring a chuckle! Exactly the reason I refuse all requests to serve on committees!
    Blessings, Victor!

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    1. I suppose I did my share of serving on committees, Lulu. But I agree with your assessment on how they are run.

      God bless.

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  6. I totally get that parking situation, Victor! (Not unlike those unfortunate passengers assigned to first dining aboard ship.) I've not heard the term bric-a-brac in ages, but sure remember ladies league rummage sales. What's one man's trash ….

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    1. The parking situation is real in our church right now, Mevely. We have two car parks which are always difficult to get to because of their entrances being on a busy main road.

      God bless you always.

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  7. Having some big chuckles here. How may I join the committee? I am not Catholic, but would convert for an hour or so.

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    1. Careful Susan; they'll give you the job of making sandwiches, or serving tea at the next garden fete.

      God bless.

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  8. I laughed so hard reading this that the other people in the house wondered what I was up to.

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    1. Hey ... that's good news, Kathy. I am glad you laughed out loud. Let the other people read this too. In fact, why not tell all your readers to visit this Blog and laugh.

      God bless you always.

      Delete
  9. … and it's not only church meetings that can be chaotic!

    All the best Jan

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