Monday 26 August 2019

On the couch ...

Psychiatrist: Do come in Mr Smythe. Nice to meet you. Please have a seat.

Smythe: May I use your toilet first please?

Psychiatrist: There is no need to. I have just used it a moment ago!

Smythe: No ... ehm ... I mean I need to use the toilet.

Psychiatrist: Oh yes of course ... it's down the corridor ... I'll wait here ... the clock is ticking though ...


Psychiatrist: That was four minutes and thirty-nine seconds. Now lie on the couch and tell me what's the problem.

Smythe: Well it's about my mother ...

Psychiatrist: Yes, it always is. If it is not one thing it is the mother ... according to Freud. Or was it Jung? Or someone else I forgot his name ... anyway ... continue ...

Smythe: I live with my mother. Partly because I cannot afford a place of my own, and partly because she is old and I am concerned about leaving her alone for long.

Psychiatrist: I understand ... continue ...

Smythe: The problem is that she is so demanding. As soon as I get home from work ... I work about ten minutes away from home ... I am an accountant ...

Psychiatrist: How boring ... continue ...

Smythe: As soon as I get home she asks me for a cup of tea. Then I prepare her supper. Then she asks for a blanket to cover her because she is cold. Then she asks me to turn on the TV. Then ...

Psychiatrist: Is this leading anywhere? She is demanding ... I get it ... continue ...

Smythe: And she is always complaining ... the tea is too hot ... too cold ... the food is too salty ... the TV is not loud enough ... do we have to watch football? Downton Abbey is on the other channel ...

Psychiatrist: I must admit, Downton Abbey is better ... but I digress ... continue ...

Smythe: And she is so protective ... wear a pullover's cold outside ... have you got a packed lunch for work ... take your umbrella with you ... don't be too late home ...

Psychiatrist: She obviously worries about you ... continue ...

Smythe: Yes ... but it is too obsessive ... she phones me at work every half-hour to check I am OK ... I told her I was OK half-an-hour ago ... she says she worries in case I get run over by a bus ... I told her we don't have buses running through the office ... she says I am impertinent ... 

Psychiatrist: I think it is sweet that she worries about you ... I suggest you phone her every half-hour or so to check she is OK ... make sure she did not slide off her armchair and is lying on the floor ... there's quite a draught comes in from under the doors you know ... make sure her hearing aid is working properly ... ask her if she needs anything ... you know ... just be a good son to her ... she loves you and you should love her back even more ... now continue ...

Smythe: Well ... that's it really ...

Psychiatrist: Good ... our time is up ... I'll send you the invoice in due course ... being an accountant I expect you to pay it promptly ... now be careful as you leave ... hold on to the banister as you get down the stairs in case you fall ... switch the stair lights on ... don't forget your umbrella in case it rains ... have you got any money for the bus? I'll loan you some ... no interest ... if you want ...

Smythe: No dad ... I have money ... thank you ... see you at home tonight ...


  1. Very funny!! Good topic for a sitcom! Have a grand day!

    1. Cathy, I have various sit-coms buzzing through my head all the time.

      Happy Days. God bless.

  2. LOL, Victor! I didn't see that ending coming. Brilliant!

  3. I didn't see THAT coming, either! Oh, the many ways you've illustrated (where) one can express love without having to say, "I love you."

    1. That's very kind of you to say it, Mevely. I appreciate it.

      God bless you always.

  4. As I was reading this, I was thinking that the psychiatrist sounded just like his mother. Finding out that it was dad, made me laugh.

    1. So glad I made you laugh, Bill. Thank you.

      God bless you always.

  5. LOL!!!
    I did not see that ending coming but it was great!!!
    Thank you for the laughs today Victor!
    I still say that you would have made a great stand-up comic...or a sit down one if you'd rather :)

    God Bless you 💮

    1. Years ago, Jan, I used to present/compere variety shows. I was part of a group of people who sang, danced and did comedy sketches, (which I wrote), for charity. I presented the various artists and told jokes in between acts.

      Glad you enjoyed this little sketch.

      God bless you, Jan.

    2. I am impressed I understand why you are so great at writing your wonderful stories and tales.

      God's Blessings ✝

    3. Thank you, Jan. I did enjoy my period raising money for various charities.

      God bless you always.

  6. Always fun, Victor!! I have to admit I was surprised! Ha!



God bless you.