Carpe Lingua

As most of you probably know, I write books. Both Christian ones and humourous ones. However, I have just come up with an idea for my next literary project which is somewhat off at a tangent ... a completely new venture, as it were.

I am planning to write a Modern Latin Phrase Book. Something that is lacking right now.

We all know the usual Latin phrases like Veni Vidi Vici, (the names of three ancient Roman musketeers), and Semper Ubi Sub Ubi, (which is on my family crest shown on the right), or Et Tu Brutus, (which is what you say to your dog Brutus when you want him to join you for a walk); and all the other Latin phrases we learnt at school like etcetera and carpe diem and all that.

All these are ancient Latin phrases not much used today except when one wants to show off and pretend that they know more than they really do.

What is missing today, I think, is a Modern Latin Phrase Book which you can use in your day-to-day encounters with a passing centurion or Roman senator or the like.

My book will have phrases like:

Can you direct me to the railway station please?

Would you recommend a nice Greek restaurant in the vicinity of my hotel?

I am sorry, Sir, but you cannot park your chariot here, this is a NO PARKING area.

Do you know where I can buy an electric toothbrushes please?

I have broken my umbrella. Where can I purchase a new one please?

None of these and similar phrases have ever been included in traditional Latin phrase books. I wonder why.

You see, most Latin books I have found in libraries and bookshops contain all the old phrases like Carpe Diem, Ad hoc, Bona Fide and the like. Phrases only used these days on rare occasions when people want to flaunt their education. There is no Latin book I have found with practical modern phrases like the ones I mentioned above and more.

I am sure you can all think of day-to-day phrases or words which you use in conversation in English all the time yet you do not have an equivalent translation for in Latin. Like, "have you eaten my muffin you greedy pig?" How would you translate that in Latin if you needed to?

Let's imagine you went to your local supermarket and came face to face with a Roman wearing a toga and you wanted to ask him where he bought it from because you wish to purchase a similar one; but in pink, with yellow flowers?

You would not know how to say it Latin, would you? You'd be stuck for words and not able to even start a conversation. You would perhaps utter an old saying you remember like Carpe Diem and he'd think you said he is wearing a carpet. Such insults, albeit lost in translation, can cause you difficulties with the visiting Roman.

But with my new Modern Latin Phrase Book you'd be able to converse with him like a native ancient Roman and you'd even be able to ask him what he wears under the toga; because underwear were not invented until much later, you know! See ... you're learning something new already!

Also, with my book you'll know how to count in Latin. A useful skill should you ever go to one of those Bingo sessions run by Catholic clubs. Those wily Catholics always call out the Bingo numbers in Latin so that only they win.

So there you have it. My next venture in the world of literature. Let me know what you think, and tell me of any phrase you wish to include in the Modern Latin Phrase Book.