Monday, 13 January 2020
Are You Left-Handed?
"Yes Madam ... how may I help you?"
"Can you direct me to the Left Handed Peoples Society please?"
"Down the corridor. First door on your right!"
"On the right? I would have thought it would be on the left."
"Only if you are coming down the stairs, Madam."
"Down the stairs? This building has only one floor."
"In winter Madam. Only in winter."
"In winter the building has one floor. A lot of things shrink when it's cold. They get smaller. Ask your husband."
"Ah ... yeees ..."
"First door down the right Madam!"
"Hello ... is this the Left Handed Peoples Society?"
"Are you left handed Madam?"
"No ... but I would like to be!"
"Why do you want to be left handed? Life is difficult for left handed people. Everyone thinks we are peculiar."
"Oh dear ... I am sorry to hear it."
"Everything is made for right handed people. Scissors for instance. They cut all right if you are right handed. Try using them if you are left handed. Difficult. Screws and screw drivers. They are made for right handed people. Have you seen a left handed screw driver? Does not exist. Everyone turns the screw clockwise to get it in and anti-clockwise to get it out. You can't do that with a normal screw driver if you are left handed. Computer mice ... made for right handed people. Guitars ... the same. Knives and fork ... the same. They always place them on the table the wrong way round for us left handers. Spoons. The same. Try eating soup if you are left handed. It all ends up in your ear rather than your mouth. Try spooning someone in bed ... sorry ... my mind wandered a little there ... it happens if you are left handed ..."
"Oh my ... I did not know it was that difficult ..."
"It is ... did you know that per capita, as a percentage that is ... there are more left handed people in Britain than any where else in the world ... they are peculiar that way ... well ... they are peculiar generally in Britain. Not like us."
"Yes Madam. That is why they drive on the left hand side of the road. Peculiar. And when they reach a round-about on the road they go round it clockwise. When they start marching it is always left foot first. The same when dancing ... You know ... Put your left foot in ... Your left foot out ... Your left foot in ... And shake it all about. I'm not sure what it is they are shaking all about, but I bet they shake it to the left. Peculiar those Brits."
"It certainly is. So I would not recommend you become left handed Madam. Not unless you intend to move to Britain!"
"Will I have to wear a pinned-striped suit, and a bowler hat and carry an umbrella?"
"Most certainly Madam. Also you must wear a tie with your pyjamas in bed! Very formal, those Brits."
"But I don't wear pyjamas in bed ..."
"Too much information!"
NOTE: Over to you readers. Do you wear a tie in bed? I do.
DISCLAIMER: No left-handed people have been harmed in the writing of this article. As authenticated by the Left Handed Peoples Society. An organisation limited by guarantee from all liabilities by the Ambidextrous Anonymous Association. Any similarities between characters or situations in this article and people alive or dead are purely coincidental and do not refer to anyone in particular whether left or right handed or ambidextrous. The writers would like to stress that buildings do not in fact shrink in winter, unlike other things and materials, and that readers should not try this at home for personal safety reason. For example, do NOT attempt to go upstairs if you live in a one-level building, or for that matter, do NOT attempt to go downstairs if you live in a similar one-level building. No liability will be admitted or accepted for injuries sustained in such eventualities, or any other eventualities, by the writers of this article. Readers who are susceptible to be easily influenced, or with a tendency to try things out for themselves, should not read this article in the first place. Similarly, readers with a nervous disposition, or lacking in humour, should not read this article either. The writers sympathise with left-handed people and treat them in similar treatment as right-handed people or indeed ambidextrous ones. The writers stress that they are totally devoid of any prejudice whatsoever since they dislike everyone equally. This article has been written for entertainment and amusement only and should not be taken seriously, or with water, or any other hot, cold, or variable temperature liquids in order to avoid accidents and potential injuries. If you have been affected in any way by reading this article then seek help from a professional rather than seek compensation from the writers. Take responsibility for your actions rather than blame your behaviour on someone else. No one in his right sense, or left sense for that matter, would attempt to go up, or down, in a one-level building and then blame someone else for injuries incurred. It is similarly stressed that the wearing of ties, or any other article of clothing, or indeed no article of clothing at all, in bed is purely optional and the writers do not recommend, or advise, nor indeed encourage any particular choice the individual would wish to make. Whether you are left or right handed, or indeed ambidextrous, then good luck to you. The same applies regardless of what you wear or do not wear in bed at night, or at any other time of the day. Live life as happily as you can. Take care. Look after each other. Be kind to everyone, and GO AWAY!