Tuesday 7 January 2020

The Phone Call


Had a funny phone call the other day. Funny peculiar not funny ha ha. In fact it was far from being ha ha. It was very odd indeed.

It was mid-morning. Not that the time of day matters at all. I just put that bit in to add some atmosphere to the story. If the story had happened on Mars for instance there would have been no atmosphere at all!

The phone rang in the living room. That's because that is where the phone usually is. It rang because someone must have dialled our number; although these days few phones have dials anyway.  It's all push buttons these days. Whenever my cell-phone rings, or makes some hideous tuneless music to be precise, I usually press the wrong button and take a photo of my ear.

Anyway, as I was saying. The phone rang and I went into the living room. The curtains were drawn. Everything else was real. The reason the curtains were drawn is because we cannot afford real ones. So we draw curtains on either side of the windows to show that we have curtains. It fools no one; but it makes us feel more affluent than we really are.

I answered the phone. It was a woman who called herself Carol Singers. I don't know what other people call her. It was quite a festive name, I thought. She reminded me of a young pretty lady I knew called Carol Sheets. I wondered if it was her.

"Are you Carol Sheets?" I asked her wondering if she perhaps had married a Mr Singers, probably a rich man who makes sewing machines.

"No," she replied, "I am Carol Singers!"

"How many of you are there?" I asked.

"Only me ..." she said.

"Why then do you say Singers in the plural and not just Singer?" I asked.

"Because that's my name," she said getting irritated.

"OK ..." I mumbled apologetically, "what can I do for you Carol Singers?"

"It's more what I can do for you!" she said enthusiastically, reinforcing the word "I". Which is why I typed it in bold and italics, to make you notice it.

Well, my mind started doing somersaults. What would a young, nice sounding lady, have to offer me so enthusiastically at this festive season? I said young because her voice sounded young. You know what I mean? Some voices have a certain je ne sais quoi if you see what I mean. I don't mean that she was French. Not with a name like Carol Singers in the plural. It's that she sounded vivacious and full of je ne sais pas. This is like je ne sais quoi but different.

Anyway, turns out she works for a new business enterprise opening nearby whereby they provide burial or cremation facilities for one's pets when they die.

"Do you have any pets?" she asked.

"Yes ..." I said losing all enthusiasm for what she had to offer, "we had a goldfish but it drowned! It could not swim, even though I taught it."

"I am sorry to hear it," she said rather falsely, "what did you do with the body?"

"I grilled it for a few minutes and had it on toast!" I replied recalling to mind the indigestion I had as a result.

"Oh ... funny you should say that," she said without batting an eye-lid. Not that I could see her eye-lids from my living room. "We also undertake a pet cremation service. Would that be of any use to you in future?"

"Not really," I replied, "when our cat has run out of its nine lives I'll give him to my wife. She cremates everything she cooks already; so she'll know what to do!"

Carol Singers hung up the phone on me.

Unfortunately, my wife heard most of the conversation.

28 comments:

  1. Victor! Victor! Victor? I'm just wondering if you are still alive after posting this. You know. You dissed a crank caller. But worse you dissed your wife. Victor? Are you there??

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sure you know Bill, that one should not listen to other's conversations. So it was not my fault she overheard me; and I got burnt toast for dinner.

      God bless you always.

      Delete
  2. Uh oh... perhaps Victor's wife called the service back... maybe they do more than pets?

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    1. Why are people unkind to me? It was not my fault I was overheard!

      God bless, Ryan.

      Delete
  3. Bet your wife has a better sense of humor than Carol Singers. It's nice that Ms. Singers won't be calling back:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When she first phoned I thought she'd sing me Jingle Bells, or something else like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.

      God bless you, Chris. Happy New Year to you. Haven't seen you since 2019.

      Delete
  4. What a distasteful calling! She sounds worse than a time-share solicitor.
    I laughed aloud at your pressing the wrong button and taking a picture of your ear. (Only because I can imagine myself doing so!)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Those new cell-phones have so many different and confusing functions. I just realised mine can record a conversation like a tape-recorder. Also you can use it as a torch to light up the keyhole when I get home in the dark at night. It also tells my wife if I am drunk or not!

      God bless you, Mevely.

      Delete
  5. This is one of your funniest yet, Victor, though I do hope your wife has forgiven you by now - lol!
    Blessings!

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    Replies
    1. I'm so glad when you, and other readers, enjoy my stories, Martha. I hope to make you and everyone else smile more often.

      God bless always.

      Delete
  6. LOL, when I answered the phone the other day, I said nothing. The person asked me if I could hear him, I was silent. He eventually just hung up. I laughed. :)
    A healthy and happy 2020 to you Victor. I'm ready for more laughing. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's a good trick, Bill. I should try it sometime.

      A great New Year to you filled with happiness and good health.

      God bless.

      Delete
  7. And here I thought the caller was going to break out with a rendition of "Silent Night."

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    Replies
    1. That's what I thought with a name like hers. Funeral services for animals indeed. I do that every time I have a roast or barbecue.

      God bless, JoeH.

      Delete
  8. just makes you want to toss every device right out the window, ya' know?

    ;-}

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    Replies
    1. Yep ... these modern devices are so confusing. I hear they've now invented a wood burning oven. Whatever next?

      God bless, Linda.

      Delete
  9. That is a brilliant way to deal with an unwanted solicitaion for burial or creamation services, and i am going to remember that if i ever get such a call.

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    Replies
    1. I'm glad you'll follow my example, Mimi. Keep smiling.

      God bless.

      Delete
  10. Well this is another mess that you have gotten yourself into Victor. You need to stop answering the phone. Let your wife do it and then you can give her the "are you out of your mind" look.

    Great fun and writing again 💮

    God Bless You My Friend ✝

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are probably right, Jan. I seem to get blamed for everything around here.

      God bless you always.

      Delete
  11. I think you handled that call quite well. :)

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    Replies
    1. My wife did not think so.

      God bless you, Happyone.

      Delete
  12. Your part of the conversation would freak anyone out. Glad it took care of Carol. Your wife will find retribution.

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    Replies
    1. What was wrong with my conversation? I thought it was normal ... for me!

      God bless you, Susan.

      Delete
  13. I grilled it and had it on toast! Hahahaha! Very funny.

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    Replies
    1. It was fresh fish, Manny. Too good to waste.

      God bless you and yours.

      Delete

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