Saturday 17 July 2021

Je ne comprends pas

 

You know those electronic contraptions some have at home which you talk to and they listen and respond to your requests? There are many models available. Usually with female names and voices. You say "what's the weather like?" and they respond whether it will be hot or cold or whatever. You can also ask them to play various music. They learn to recognise your voice and respond to it.
 
Well ... some lunatic friends have gifted us one.
 
I use the word lunatic advisedly on two counts.
 
First, I think gifts to people should not be too personal. I mean, did they know whether we already have such a device? (We don't). Did they know how we feel or think about such equipment, or whether we even have the intellect and University education to operate them. I still prise the bread out of the toaster with a knife despite being told not to. The automatic  pop up thing does not always work. I hate electronic gadgets that decide when to work or not.

They are also lunatic on a second count. They bought this listening and talking device whilst on holiday in France. It looks like an old style telephone. Très à la mode; as they say in la belle France. Very chic. It blends with the rest of the environment and does not look too modern a contraption. Ours is an old Victorian house and I'll admit the device looks attractive compared to the more modern looking equivalent. But why couldn't these lunatics have bought us a more traditional holiday present? Like a leaning Eiffel Tower or other touristy thing which I could hide in the garage with a guiltless conscience.
 
Instead, we have one of those talking things in the house in the corner of the room on and old piece of furniture.
 
What I did not realise is that Giselle, that's the thing's name, speaks with a French accent. The other day I asked her to order a KFC to be delivered to our home and she said, "What eez zee K ... F ... C ... Je ne comprends pas!"

I was surprised and said, "Kentucky Fried Chicken!"

She replied, "Ken tock eee ... eet eez American State wizz Ohio River in zee North and Appal Asian Montagnes in Zee East. Zee capital eez ..."

"Stop!" I said, "I meant place an order with the local KFC to deliver ... oh never mind!"

And I picked up the phone, a real one not a French old style imitation, and did the job myself.

Giselle seems to have a mind of her own. It's as if she understands what I'm saying or doing. The other day she complained, "Eet eez veree cold in ere! Not az warmer as in France."
 
I ordered for a pizza to be delivered, she must have overheard me and she said, "all zee time you 'ave  zee pizza. Try some thing else ... Why not 'ave something noo tree cious like vegetable soup?"
 
I was watching a football game on TV, she heard the soundtrack of the game, and even though I was not talking to hear, she commented, "all zee time eet eez zee football ... zere are jobs to be done ... like zee taking of the trash bin out!"

It's like having another wife in the house! Only this one looks like an old phone.

The final straw came last night. Someone had moved Giselle on the corner table upstairs in the corridor. They were listening to some music and left the contraption there.

I was alone at home. I got out the shower to go and answer the phone, the real one, also on the same corner table.

Giselle said, "Oooh la la ... quel physique you 'ave Monsieur Victor ..."
 
It was Aunt Elma from Scotland on the phone, the real one. The real phone, I mean. She said, "I heard a French woman ... are you with a French woman? What did she mean ... quail physique? What's going on with you and her? Oh the shame of it ... how could you?" 
 
She called her husband, "Jim ... Jim ... come here quick Jim. Vic has got some French hooor with him. And in his own home too. Come here Jim ... talk some sense into him ... the shame of it all! She's French ... I heard her talking to him."
 
I did not know those machines can see as well as hear. Did you?

 
 


27 comments:

  1. Dearest Victor,
    Haha, a hilarious story and at present times all things are possible!
    We don't have one... and I bet you Aunt Elma is NOT familiar with them!
    Happy weekend and sending you hugs,
    Mariette

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No Mariette. Aunt Elma was not familiar with this machine called Giselle. She did not believe me when I explained. I have now put Giselle in the garage. We don't use the machine any more.

      God bless always my friend.

      Delete
  2. ...they are multitalented.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Lenaing Eiffel Tower .... hahaha! Gizelle is what, Alexa's cousin, twice removed? Basically, I only ask her to set a timer for hard-boiled eggs or play the best of Earl Thomas Conley. We've discovered, however, if she feels neglected she eavesdrops on conversations and offers unsolicited commentary. Funny girl.

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    Replies
    1. REALLY? Really, Mevely. Does your Alexa listen to all conversations and then comment when she hears certain words? Are you joking or is this true?

      It would be embarrassing/dangerous if she listened all the time. I thought you had to switch it ON first. Thankfully, we never had Giselle in the bedroom. It's bad enough having a memory mattress in there. It remembers everything and tries to blackmail me.

      God bless.

      Delete
    2. Cross my heart, Victor. Yep, even my Google Pixel 'smart phone.' Fortunately, those occurrences are few and far between. There's no escaping Big Brother; good thing we're so boring. 😀

      Delete
    3. You really have me worried, Mevely. That these machines could be listening to our every conversation: political, opinions, gossip or ???
      There must be a way of switching it off.

      I'll put mine in the washing machine. I wonder if it can listen whilst tumbling around in soapy water.

      God bless.

      Delete
  4. That would drive me crazy one of those talking digital voices.

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    Replies
    1. I agree, Bill. See Mevely's comments above.

      God bless.

      Delete
  5. I refuse to have one of those Alexa contraptions in the house, Victor. It's bad enough that I think my phone is listening in even when I'm not calling anyone. Case it point - mentioned, when at my mother's house, that the gutters needed cleaning. When I go check my email, there's an ad for Leaf Filter, a gutter replacement company. Can you believe that??? Anyway, Giselle "sees" more than you think she does.
    Blessings!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree 100% Martha. I would not have such a machine at home. Giselle is just a fun story to illustrate my point.

      Also, you are right about cell-phones listening even if they're switched off. I remember reading something about that somewhere. It would not surprise me if laptops with cameras aren't looking all the time.

      God bless.

      Delete
  6. I think those virtual assistants are creepy, and don't think there's any reason to have one in my house.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I don't understand much French, but I do understand, 'I don't understand.' Je ne comprends pas, does mean I don't understand, right? I just had one year of French and a pretty girl sat in front of me.
    Methinks Giselle just might be a French hooor.
    But yes, too much technology gets in the way at times.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, Jack. You are right about the meaning of Je ne comprends pas. You are also right that too much technology is not necessarily a good thing.

      Hope you and Sherry are well. God bless always.

      Delete
  8. Based on unrequested ads I get on the computer all the time, I suspect it.

    Those old fashion phones are kind of cool.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes JoeH, computers can track your viewing through cookies. I think they have these old fashioned phones with modern electronics inside to make them work with today's technology. I had one years ago.

      God bless.

      Delete
  9. I know many have these 'Alexa' type devices but we choose not to.

    Have a lovely weekend.

    All the best Jan

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    Replies
    1. Same here, Jan. We don't have these devices that answer back. My wife does so instead.

      God bless.

      Delete
  10. No devices like that for us either and have no desire to have one!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I will never, ever have such a machine in my home, they spy on you and collect every little detail and store it somewhere in a huge great cloud. If that cloud ever bursts, every one will know everything about everyone else as the information rains down.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And a flood of knowledge rained over the earth ...

      I like your description of things, River.

      God bless you.

      Delete
  12. One of our clients has a similar device, and Sweetie was so impressed by how it plays music while we are working that he asked for one as a gift. He got it, and now he only plugs it in once in a while, he is concerned it will spy on him.

    He's probably right!

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    Replies
    1. It is looking at you right now, Mimi. Put some covering, like a towel or napkin, on it.

      God bless.

      Delete

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