Monday 2 August 2021

Beware Long Hair

 

I've noticed that my beard grows much faster and much thicker than my other ordinary hair. I have a professional haircut by a trained gardener once a month. As a bonus, he also trims the hedges and tidies up the garden whilst he has all his tools and equipment handy. He really is adept with the hedge trimmer although you have to be perfectly still if you don't want your ear cut off. This would cause you difficulties if you wear glasses.

Anyway, whilst I have my hair cut once a month, I've noticed my beard grows much faster and needs cutting more frequently. Geoffrey Fordesque-Smythe, our gardener, has left me a pair of shears, or secateurs, for me to attend to the beard.

The other day I tripped on my beard and fell down the stairs. My wife asked me, "did you miss a step?"

"No," I replied, "I hit every one of them!"

As I got off the bus last week, the sliding door shut too quickly and trapped my beard. I was dragged half a mile to the next bus stop. The driver refused to give me a refund for taking me beyond my scheduled stop. In fact he insisted that I pay him extra. When I refused, he called the police. The police officer said we were splitting hairs and told us to calm down.

As I was confessing this particular sin of losing my temper on Saturday, the priest suddenly ran out of the confessional as my beard slipped under the door and he thought it was a furry creature. As I ran after him trying to disabuse him of his particular mistake and unwarranted panic, sadly, an old lady stepped on my beard and fell to the ground revealing her Victorian underwear. 

She was mortified, embarrassed and humiliated in no particular order; yet the combination of which led her to write to the Bishop complaining and seeking some form or restitution. Perhaps more lenient penances at future confessions.

The Bishop, who is young and clean-shaven, did not believe her story and demanded a photo of me and my beard as evidence. I refused to share what I consider to be a very personal possession. I think this Bishop will have a hard time entering Heaven when he meets the bearded St Peter and his namesake, St Thomas, who was also bearded too. As well as St Paul and some other disciples no doubt.

24 comments:

  1. ...I have had a long beard for years!

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    1. I guess you know what it feels like tripping over it. Do you sleep with your beard above or below the bed covers?

      God bless, Tom.

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    2. ...below, of course.

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  2. What? Now we've got beard discrimination? I'm afraid to wonder, what's next?!
    Too funny about the confessional!

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    1. That's right Mevely. My beard frightened the priest and made an old lady fall. This would not have happened if I was clean-shaven like the bishop.

      God bless.

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  3. I find this hard to believe except that you did not miss a step and that the beard grows much faster than my 'head hair' which I am still waiting for it to start growing (again).
    Enjoyed the smiles, Sherry laughed! then said to me,'Time to trim your beard!'
    Sherry & jack.....

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    1. Yep ... Sherry is right. Beards should be trimmed regularly before they become a tripping hazard for old ladies in church. Also, I understand certain birds can nest in beards, like hawks and pelicans for instance.

      God bless, Jack and Sherry.

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  4. Only you can find a way to create trouble with a beard, Victor. Lol!
    Blessings!

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    1. After a while, a beard grows on you! So my barber told me.

      God bless, Martha.

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  5. Dearest Victor,
    Very well composed and it made it hilarious!
    Tripping over your beard and not missing a step. Tell your wife for being more considerate...!
    Hugs,
    Mariette

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    1. I'm so glad I made you smile, Mariette. A step in the right direction.

      God bless always.

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  6. Well, I have only a little advice on the beard. Either shave it off, keep it neatly trimmed or expect more trouble in the future. You know the cost of advice is zero and is worth about the same amount. Love this story. Bless you.

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    1. I do cut it every week, Nells. But it grows faster with every cut. The other day a flock of seagulls tried to nest in it.

      God bless.

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  7. Well, a beard is a man's own to grow or trim as he wishes, yet i suggest keeping it at least short enough to not cause a danger to himself and others.

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    1. Good point, Mimi. I think it's a danger to itself even.

      God bless you.

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  8. Never knew a beard could cause so much trouble!! :)

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  9. It is now fluorescent at night so I can see where I'm going.

    God bless, Happyone.

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  10. I find it astonishing that facial hair grows faster than head hair. My son can have the same hair length for weeks without a trim, but needs his daily shave if he doesn't want to look like Santa by Christmas.

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    Replies
    1. At last ... someone agrees with me. Thank you River.

      God bless you.

      Delete

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