I was in the garden sipping a nice cold drink of whisky on the rocks and enjoying a chocolate cake we'd just bought. The dog was asleep by my easy-chair. The phone rang. I got in the house to answer it and when I came back the extra-terrestrials had zoomed down from their spacecraft and eaten my cake. They also spilled the whisky all over the place.
I was speaking to Mrs Groggins the other day. She said she saw a small short man about two feet tall in her back garden the other night. It was late evening getting dark. She said he was green or grey in colour. Moving fast to and fro by her washing line where she had some clothing to dry. He was moving very fast, she said. Probably had three or more legs and two backsides. He then ran away. When she collected her washing it was all there but scratched as if by paws. She is convinced it was an outer-space creature.
I tend to believe her. I was at the butcher's and he said someone entered his shop and stole some sausages and ran away. At first he thought it was an opportunist thief when he saw a man running in the street. But he is willing to give the man the benefit of the doubt. He is sure it was a space alien because normally those sausages do not sell very well on account that he puts ground vegetables in them to bulk up the volume of cheap meats. He said that maybe space aliens are vegetarians and will not notice the 1% meat in the sausages.
My friend Gavin had his car stolen. He was at the supermarket and when he got in the car park he could not find his car. He told the police that a space invader had stolen his car. The policeman did not believe him and took some notes and walked away. Gavin is now certain that the policeman was a space alien because after he left he could not find the Mars bars he'd just bought.
When I went to pick up Gavin from the shop we discovered his car parked at the far end of the car park. The Martians must have taken the car for a joy ride and returned it in the car park. We've still not found the Mars bars.
Another friend, Harvey, actually saw a UFO from very close up. It was red and hurtling at speed towards him. It was a tomato ketchup bottle which his wife threw at him for not listening.
So we have some clues for all of you out there to help you. Extra-terrestrials like chocolate cake, hate whisky, attack clothing on washing lines, love vegetarian sausages and Mars bars. They also like to joy ride in other peoples' cars rather than buy or hire one.
Be careful. The truth is out there.