Bible Study made easy with humour

 

Mevely asked me yesterday if I was writing a Bible Stories book for children. The answer is "No" but however, just for you, my readers, here is a quick summary of some stories you may not know.

In the beginning, God created the universe ... (Genesis 1:1 onwards - this is way before Phil Collins).

Then God created Adam and gave him the task to name all the animals, birds and creatures of the sea. Adam was enthusiastic at first and as the animals passed by he said in monosyllables "Ant, bee, cat, dog, cow, pig ..." and so on. In time, he became more adventurous and used longer words, "giraffe, horse, llama, lion, tiger, panther, zebra ..." and so on.

But there were many animals and birds, not to mention all the fishes in the sea, still to be named. So Adam grew tired and he could hardly keep his eyes open. When the next animal walked by him he said half-asleep, "Hippopotamus amphibius or Choeropsis liberiensis or Hexaprotodon liberiensis depending on the size of the animal." At which point God hit Adam on the head with a dead bat and said "Don't be too clever, lad!" And that's how we got the word Hippopotamus.

A bit later Adam grew tired of being alone. So he asked God, "I wish I had some company other than these dumb animals!"

God scratched His beard and asked, "What do you want?"

Adam replied, "I wish I had another person like me ... but not totally like me if you understand what I mean. I like her to be beautiful. I want her to love me and to be faithful and loyal to me. To be always with me. To be able to cook and clean when things get a little untidy; but not when sports is on TV. And generally to be the best companion and friend any one in the world would wish for. "

"Good Lord!" said God mentioning Himself, "you're not asking for much are you? To have a wife like that would cost an arm and a leg!"

Adam hesitated and then replied, "All right ... what do I get for a rib?" 

And that's how God created woman.

So Eve was created and lived with Adam. One day she asked him, "Adam ... do you love me?"

"I married you didn't I?" he replied turning the volume up higher on the TV. "Women like re-assurance every now and then!" she said coyly. So he said as he lit his pipe, "OK ... I love you!"

And that's why women today always want re-assurance despite all the flowers and chocolates men buy for them from the gas station when they fill up their cars.

And now another story. Noah was a farmer and he was the first man to ever plant a vineyard. He made wine, drank it, and became drunk. He then took off all his clothes, and lay naked in his tent. His son Ham saw Noah naked and he took photos with his cell-phone and posted them on Facebook. (Genesis 9:20-22 - still before Phil Collins).

In Olden times in the Old Testament people used to fight a lot; and that was before organised wrestling and boxing matches on TV. So there was a referee called Moses who wrote a book of rules on how to live, how to behave and even how to fight. This is what he said: If two men are having a fight and the wife of one tries to help her husband by grabbing hold of the other man's genitals, show her no mercy. You can read this in a rule book called Deuteronomy 25:11; and make sure you do not touch a man's bits unless he is your husband.

In another book of rules we read:  Aaron ... shall put both his hands on the goat's head and confess over it all the evils, sins, and rebellions of the people of Israel, and so transfer them to the goat's head. Then the goat is to be driven off into the desert by a man appointed to do it. The goat will carry all their sins away with him into some uninhabited land. Leviticus 16:21-22. And that's how we get the saying scapegoat.

There once was a man called Samson who was very strong and fought the Philistines. One day he went and caught three hundred foxes. Two by two, he tied their tails together and put torches in the knots. Then he set fire to the torches and turned the foxes loose in the Philistine cornfields. He burnt not only the corn harvested but also that in the fields, and the olive orchards as well. The Judges wrote about it in Judges 15:4-5. This is terrible behaviour and someone should have reported him to the Animal Protection people; but they had not been established yet - still before Phil Collins. Because Samson destroyed the corn fields and olive orchards, olive oil is so expensive in the shops these days.

Another person worth mentioning is a young lad called David. One day, the nation of Israel was called to fight the Philistine army that had gathered for war. A great Philistine giant named Goliath that stood at over nine feet tall came to the front of the Philistine battle line each day for forty days and mocked the Israelites and their God. Goliath called to them to fight but King Saul and the Israelite were scared and did nothing. 

So tiny little David volunteered to take him on. He took a sling with him and a few stones, put a stone in the sling and swung it at Goliath's head. The stone hit Goliath and he fell to the ground and David killed him. Had David taken with him his girl-friend's bra instead he would have been able to kill two giants at the same time. Anyway, David was not popular with anyone after killing Goliath, because they all had bet a lot of money that Goliath would win.

 

 SERIOUSLY THOUGH

IF YOU WANT A GOOD

BIBLE STORIES BOOK

CLICK HERE

 

 

 HELP A CHARITY AT CHRISTMAS