How to be boring without really trying

 

These days many people want to be interesting, fun, a joy to be with, the centre of attention, the life and soul of the party. As a result, many people are false. They try too hard. They are not being themselves and you can see it a mile away. But as someone once said, they all want their ten minutes of fame, or even longer. They all want to be a celebrity. With everyone competing for the limelight one cannot distinguish one falsehood from another.

Be different. Be memorable. Be boring, just like me. You will stand out. People will remember you as the grumpy one at parties. The stickler for details at any conversation. The one who holds up discussions and drags every meeting twice as long as needed and as a result they all agree in order to get home quickly. Be the one who brightens up any gathering just by leaving it.

Here's how to do it:

First of all, always start a conversation by harping on about the past. Say phrases like, "In my days, years ago we did it this way ... During the recession when we were poor and we had shortages ... You youngsters have never had it so good, when I was your age ..." There is nothing like mentioning how better the past was to irritate every discussion and to drag it down to pointless comparisons. I have enjoyed much entertainment in starting such arguments and seeing people divide into age groups and defending their time in history and their way of doing things. I just sat there and smiled inwardly.

Another trick is to focus on details. Every subject and every discussion has its details and if you are clever you can bog the whole thing down by focussing on something and innocently ask clarification or questions. Play the innocent and confused and pretend to ask for advice or information. As an example, at a cookery class once I asked the difference between a pot and a pan. Someone said a pan is for frying. Another disagreed. And before long they had all gone off the subject of cooking and were debating the various kitchen utensils and cutlery.

Another (innocent) question at another gathering was the difference between a pamphlet and a booklet. And which one should we print to announce an event or other and the relative differences in costs involved.

How about asking where does the universe expand into if the whole of space is itself the universe. Or if there are so many stars in the universe then why is space so dark. This one got many technical responses from the group none of which made much sense but were the source of great amusement to me.

Try these at your next gathering. Do you say scone or scon? Pronounced much shorter. And do you put the cream first on the scone and then the jam or the other way round. And do you use raspberry or strawberry jam? And do you pour the milk first in the cup or the tea first? And do you hold the cup with your little finger sticking out or not? Why do Americans say elevator and we say lift? Side-walk and pavement. Gas and petrol. What is the difference between a raven and a crow? With a little practice you'll have a whole set of topics to be boring with at any meeting but you'll certainly be memorable.

Soup ... ... ... that's another thing to be boring about. Do you put the spoon to your mouth sideways, or front-wise? Now there's a dilemma. And is it OK at the end to tip the plate slightly to get the last few drops of soup?

Another trick in your armoury to being boring is gathering a lot of useless facts which you can propound on at length whenever the opportunity presents itself. Like the mating habits of the silverfish. The real meaning of Absolute Zero. And what would happen if the earth slowed down to the point where it stopped spinning. I have enjoyed many an hour or three watching peoples' eyelids drop slowly as I continued explaining one theory or another and asking them questions to ensure they stay awake. People are so polite these days and would remain there listening rather than being thought rude by asking you to shut up. But one thing's for sure; you'll be always memorable.

And finally, when someone asks you how you are never say "OK thanks!" Go into details about everything that ails you and all the pains that you have to suffer every day and how it makes your life difficult. The more information you share, even if unwarranted, the better. I remember once we used to meet every week as members of a committee or other. One week I asked this woman, "Hi there. How are you this week?" To my amazement and surprise she said she was a little constipated. How can you be a little constipated? You either are or you are not. Then she went into details about her visit to the doctor and what he did and said and prescribed. She put me off our group meal afterwards. But she won the Lifetime Achievement Award in the services of Boredom.

Be different. Be memorable. Be boring. Good luck.