How to be boring without really trying

 

These days many people want to be interesting, fun, a joy to be with, the centre of attention, the life and soul of the party. As a result, many people are false. They try too hard. They are not being themselves and you can see it a mile away. But as someone once said, they all want their ten minutes of fame, or even longer. They all want to be a celebrity. With everyone competing for the limelight one cannot distinguish one falsehood from another.

Be different. Be memorable. Be boring, just like me. You will stand out. People will remember you as the grumpy one at parties. The stickler for details at any conversation. The one who holds up discussions and drags every meeting twice as long as needed and as a result they all agree in order to get home quickly. Be the one who brightens up any gathering just by leaving it.

Here's how to do it:

First of all, always start a conversation by harping on about the past. Say phrases like, "In my days, years ago we did it this way ... During the recession when we were poor and we had shortages ... You youngsters have never had it so good, when I was your age ..." There is nothing like mentioning how better the past was to irritate every discussion and to drag it down to pointless comparisons. I have enjoyed much entertainment in starting such arguments and seeing people divide into age groups and defending their time in history and their way of doing things. I just sat there and smiled inwardly.

Another trick is to focus on details. Every subject and every discussion has its details and if you are clever you can bog the whole thing down by focussing on something and innocently ask clarification or questions. Play the innocent and confused and pretend to ask for advice or information. As an example, at a cookery class once I asked the difference between a pot and a pan. Someone said a pan is for frying. Another disagreed. And before long they had all gone off the subject of cooking and were debating the various kitchen utensils and cutlery.

Another (innocent) question at another gathering was the difference between a pamphlet and a booklet. And which one should we print to announce an event or other and the relative differences in costs involved.

How about asking where does the universe expand into if the whole of space is itself the universe. Or if there are so many stars in the universe then why is space so dark. This one got many technical responses from the group none of which made much sense but were the source of great amusement to me.

Try these at your next gathering. Do you say scone or scon? Pronounced much shorter. And do you put the cream first on the scone and then the jam or the other way round. And do you use raspberry or strawberry jam? And do you pour the milk first in the cup or the tea first? And do you hold the cup with your little finger sticking out or not? Why do Americans say elevator and we say lift? Side-walk and pavement. Gas and petrol. What is the difference between a raven and a crow? With a little practice you'll have a whole set of topics to be boring with at any meeting but you'll certainly be memorable.

Soup ... ... ... that's another thing to be boring about. Do you put the spoon to your mouth sideways, or front-wise? Now there's a dilemma. And is it OK at the end to tip the plate slightly to get the last few drops of soup?

Another trick in your armoury to being boring is gathering a lot of useless facts which you can propound on at length whenever the opportunity presents itself. Like the mating habits of the silverfish. The real meaning of Absolute Zero. And what would happen if the earth slowed down to the point where it stopped spinning. I have enjoyed many an hour or three watching peoples' eyelids drop slowly as I continued explaining one theory or another and asking them questions to ensure they stay awake. People are so polite these days and would remain there listening rather than being thought rude by asking you to shut up. But one thing's for sure; you'll be always memorable.

And finally, when someone asks you how you are never say "OK thanks!" Go into details about everything that ails you and all the pains that you have to suffer every day and how it makes your life difficult. The more information you share, even if unwarranted, the better. I remember once we used to meet every week as members of a committee or other. One week I asked this woman, "Hi there. How are you this week?" To my amazement and surprise she said she was a little constipated. How can you be a little constipated? You either are or you are not. Then she went into details about her visit to the doctor and what he did and said and prescribed. She put me off our group meal afterwards. But she won the Lifetime Achievement Award in the services of Boredom.

Be different. Be memorable. Be boring. Good luck.

Is God Boring?

 

You know what it's like with some people. They say that they believe, although they probably don't know what they believe. They used to go to church at some point in their lives but now they have stopped. They say because it's boring.

Well let me tell you; God is not boring. Christians are boring; or some of them at least. 

You go to church and the priest, or minister, pastor or vicar, is as boring as a rice pudding going mouldy. His name is Fartoo Long to coincide with the length of his sermons which are delivered in a slow, monotonous, droning voice which would make the dead glad not to be in his congregation.

And it's not just the priest. Look at the parishioners too. Most of them have long faces like a mile or two of bad road; and some of them look down on you from on top of their glasses so as not to wear out the lenses. 

Then there's the choir led by Mrs Tone Deaf screeching at her heart's content solo as if she's an opera singer. How does she really know the tune to all those psalms she sings interminably? Did those archaeologists who found the old scrolls find the music score too? How does she know that her continuous wailing is exactly as those psalms were meant to be sung? Does God really deserve the punishment of her voice?

No ... God is not boring. People are.

God created us out of love and because He loves us so much He gave us so many things to enjoy. He does not want us to endure this life, but to enjoy it in preparation for more joy and happiness for eternity in Heaven.

Look at the beauty of the world He created. The mountains, the seas, countryside, clouds and beautiful skies. Look at the different colours of the trees, flowers, birds and fauna and animals.

Consider all the wonderful sounds for us to hear. The sound of the waves by the shore, the singing of birds, the droplets of rain, the laughter of a child, as well as music and singing for our enjoyment and praise to our Lord. (Mrs Tone Deaf take note).

Think about all the different tastes and the wonder of touch and all our other sense which God created for our pleasure and enjoyment.

These are not the gifts of a boring Divine Father. 

It is humanity, through its selfishness and taking everything for granted, which has turned Paradise into the hell we now inhabit - physically and spiritually.

Christians have an obligation to be joyful and to display this joy for all to see. 

How else do they expect others to admire them and follow their example?

I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10

Bore Bore Bore ...

Do you know any boring people? I do ... Many of them.

I reckon God loves boring people seeing He created so many.

I tell you the type I have in mind. People who over analyse everything. People who do not see a cup as half full, or half empty even, as long as it is on a coaster and does not leave a water mark on the table.

People who want to know the difference between a pan and a pot. Or when is a pamphlet different from a booklet. Or where does the universe expand into if the whole of space is the universe. Or if there are so many stars in the universe then why is space so dark.

Maybe it's me, but I seem to have little time or patience for people who go into details on matters of no consequence whatsoever to life as we know it, or as we don't know it.

For example, do you say scone or scon? Pronounced much shorter. And do you put the cream first on the scone and then the jam or the other way round. And do you use raspberry or strawberry jam? And do you pour the milk first in the cup or the tea first? And do you hold the cup with your little finger sticking out or not?

What do I care unless you give me all the scones to eat.

And why do you stick your little finger out? Is it to scratch your ear whilst drinking?

And why do I care if the cucumber sandwiches are cut into little triangles or squares. I can eat the whole plateful in one go regardless of shape and whether the crust is cut off or not.

Soup ... ... ... that's another thing to be boring about. Do you put the spoon to your mouth sideways, or front-wise? Now there's a dilemma. Personally, I drink soup straight from the bowl, or dish, and lick it clean afterwards.

I was at the library the other day with a boring friend of mine. We were sitting at a table reading. Because we're not supposed to talk in the library I wrote her a note and passed it to her. She said I should not have written the note in capital letters because that is shouting silently!

She is the sort of person who knows the difference between a raven and a crow. And can tell you in details the mating habits of the silverfish.

Did you know that before silverfish reproduce, they carry out a complicated ritual which may last over half an hour without the need of a relaxing drink beforehand or soft music and lights in the background as we humans do?

First the male and female stand face to face, then repeatedly back off and return to this position. Imagine us doing this for a moment. Personally, I'd soon get tired and call the whole thing off.

In the second phase, the male runs away and the female chases him. Well that makes a change, I suppose; although if she expects me to run for more than thirty seconds she's wasting her time!

In the third phase, the silverfish do what they do in privacy together.

Now to be honest, I did not need to know that and neither has it enhanced my life or sexual prowess. Yet my boring friend insisted on telling it to me in details as I drove her home from the library.

And that's the kind of boring person I speak of. Why can't she be fun like other people? Why can't she hang upside down from a tree branch or bounce on a trampoline just for fun?

Why has God created boring people? Is it because He likes them or is it so that we can appreciate other people when we meet them?

Does God put all boring people in a room together in Heaven? Or do they roam everywhere freely boring everyone else about the history of the harp through the ages?

I need to know that before I get to Heaven. Will God give me a room by myself or am I to share with a boring person for eternity?

What do you think?