The joys of aging disgracefully

They say people should grow old gracefully. What nonsense. I intend to grow old disgracefully and will probably die trying.

Why can't we behave as we like when we get older? Most of us have behaved properly and cared about what others think of us most of our lives. As we grow older, now's the time to venture into a little mischief and enjoy how others around us deal with it.

Men especially. They can get away with most mischief and people think they are cute because they are of a "certain age". They can be eccentric in the way they behave, or in what they wear, and no one seems to mind.

An old acquaintance of mine, for instance, wears his trousers pulled up all the way to his nipples. They are held there by braces and a wide belt pulled tightly round his chest. With a white checkered shirt and brown woollen pullover, both tucked in inside the trousers, and covered by a tweed jacket, and he's good to go. He's the fashion icon of today's older society. He's a sex symbol for women who don't care.

But in his defence, why should old people not wear what they want?

What is really wrong if an old man wears two differently coloured socks? And you ladies, if you don't wear socks, why not wear different earrings just to be individually fashionable? Why do you have to conform? Why not wear a bra on your head instead of a hat? I once went out shopping wearing my underpants on my head. Mind you, I had difficulty that day putting my legs through my hat.

As you get older you can afford to be a little mischievous and have fun. I went to visit an old lady the other day. Much older than me, she was. As we sat there talking I noticed that she had a suppository sticking out of her ear. I told her about it. She replied: "Oh goodness me ... I wonder where I put my hearing aid?"

Be adventurous on your way to having fun. You know you want to. You've been waiting all your life to do something new and exciting and getting away with it.

If like me, you're a Catholic, go to Confession and ask the priest, "Have you heard any good gossip lately?"

Put a stick of celery through someone's window and shout, "The Triffids have landed. The Triffids have landed!"

Or put a carrot on your shoulder and tell people you are a vegetarian pirate.

Or pour cream on your shoulder and tell them your parrot had diarrhoea.

Put some cake, custard and jelly in someone's handbag and say, "Don't trifle with a woman's affections!" 

When you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom; and you don't know what time it is. Just open a window and beat a drum, or blow on a trumpet or bagpipes. Someone is sure to shout: "Who's making all that **** racket at three in the morning?"  

Behaving disgracefully is real fun. You can get away with it as you get older. When they asked me to send a urine sample at the hospital I sent them the dog's urine instead. That really confused the doctors.

I often send a friend of mine to give a blood sample to be tested instead of me going to the hospital. They never check. They just take the card your doctor gave you and then take a sample of your blood for testing and then advise your doctor of the results. The last time this happened my friend could not go so he sent his daughter instead. My doctor told me the result showed that I was pregnant.