It's me again ...

 

Phone rings. Telephone-answering machine. Female voice.

 

Your call cannot be taken at the moment. Please leave your name and number after the tone. BEEEP ...

 

Helloo ... Victor ... Is that your answering machine with the woman operating it again? Is she always at home when you are away? How much do you pay her for this service?

 

This is your Aunt Elma ... That is A ... U ... N ... T ... Aunt ... and then Elma. Phoning from Glasgow. I am in town with your Uncle Jim ... That's J ... I ... M ... Say hello Jim ...

 

(Pause).

 

He just mumbled, your Uncle did ... 

 

Anyways ... we are in town just outside the Bank, the one in the corner. We are phoning you from the cell-phone you gave Uncle Jim ... you said it was a Smart Phone ... Not so smart really. Every time it rings your Uncle presses a button and takes a photo of his ear ...

 

We went into the Bank to get some money but there was a long line and just one cashier serving. We were in a hurry on account that I needed the toilet. 

 

So Jim suggested we use the machine outside the bank and take the money out of that. But first he spoke to the Security Guard and the nice man showed me where the staff toilets were; the ones for the employees. 

 

What a nice man ... young he was ... he looked like Tony Curtis with his head all shaved like he was in the film the King and I ...

 

Anyways ... we stood outside by the machine and I asked it for some money ... nothing happened. I asked again a bit louder but still nothing. Perhaps the woman inside the machine serving people went to the toilet. I saw a woman there in uniform ... it must have been her ...

 

Then Jim read on the screen we should insert a card ... at first we did not know which card. I looked in my bag and there are so many cards from the Social Services, from supermarkets and what have you ... eventually we found a card from this Bank ...

 

But we could not find the slot where to put the card ... we looked everywhere ... a long line was building up behind us in the street. Eventually the nice man behind us showed us where to put the card ... 

 

The machine asked for a Password ... What Password is that, Vic? Jim said he had a Password when in the Army for getting into the camp, but that was a long time ago.

 

The young man behind us said the Bank must have written to us with a Password. Eventually the whole line behind us moved to another machine ...

 

We put the card in the slot and typed any Password we could think of ... you know ... like the password for the computer when we switch it on, and all the other passwords various companies sent us that we never use ... like those 'TInternet companies which sell you things ... we never buy anything from this 'TInternet machine ...   

 

You'll never guess what happened? After the third Password the machine swallowed the card and it said on the screen "Transaction Terminated".

 

It was not terminated at all Victor ... on account that we did not get our money. Your Uncle Jim got very angry and started swearing at the machine and hitting it hard with his stick. You should have heard the language Vic ... The air was blue with swear words I had never heard of which he had learnt when in the military.

 

The Security Guard came out of the Bank ... the one who looks like Tony Curtis ... must be his son I reckon.

 

He recognised your Uncle and tried to calm him down. Eventually your Uncle stopped swearing ... he must have run out of swear words without repeating himself ...

 

The Security Guard said he'll go inside and try to get our card back for us. He'll probably go and find the lady working in the machine ... she's probably still in the toilet poor thing. She did look pale you know ... Maybe she ate something that disagreed with her, like a dodgy haggis.

 

Anyways ... I see the Security Guard coming to us now with our card ... we'll get our money from the cashier inside this time. I don't trust these machines ... do you? It must be cramped inside there for an assistant to sit all day and night ... Bye Vic!