It's me again ...

 

Phone rings. Telephone-answering machine. Female voice.

 

Your call cannot be taken at the moment. Please leave your name and number after the tone. BEEEP ...

 

Helloo ... Victor ... Is that your answering machine with the woman operating it again? Is she always at home when you are away? How much do you pay her for this service?

 

This is your Aunt Elma ... That is A ... U ... N ... T ... Aunt ... and then Elma. Phoning from Glasgow. I am in town with your Uncle Jim ... That's J ... I ... M ... Say hello Jim ...

 

(Pause).

 

He just mumbled, your Uncle did ... 

 

Anyways ... we are in town just outside the Bank, the one in the corner. We are phoning you from the cell-phone you gave Uncle Jim ... you said it was a Smart Phone ... Not so smart really. Every time it rings your Uncle presses a button and takes a photo of his ear ...

 

We went into the Bank to get some money but there was a long line and just one cashier serving. We were in a hurry on account that I needed the toilet. 

 

So Jim suggested we use the machine outside the bank and take the money out of that. But first he spoke to the Security Guard and the nice man showed me where the staff toilets were; the ones for the employees. 

 

What a nice man ... young he was ... he looked like Tony Curtis with his head all shaved like he was in the film the King and I ...

 

Anyways ... we stood outside by the machine and I asked it for some money ... nothing happened. I asked again a bit louder but still nothing. Perhaps the woman inside the machine serving people went to the toilet. I saw a woman there in uniform ... it must have been her ...

 

Then Jim read on the screen we should insert a card ... at first we did not know which card. I looked in my bag and there are so many cards from the Social Services, from supermarkets and what have you ... eventually we found a card from this Bank ...

 

But we could not find the slot where to put the card ... we looked everywhere ... a long line was building up behind us in the street. Eventually the nice man behind us showed us where to put the card ... 

 

The machine asked for a Password ... What Password is that, Vic? Jim said he had a Password when in the Army for getting into the camp, but that was a long time ago.

 

The young man behind us said the Bank must have written to us with a Password. Eventually the whole line behind us moved to another machine ...

 

We put the card in the slot and typed any Password we could think of ... you know ... like the password for the computer when we switch it on, and all the other passwords various companies sent us that we never use ... like those 'TInternet companies which sell you things ... we never buy anything from this 'TInternet machine ...   

 

You'll never guess what happened? After the third Password the machine swallowed the card and it said on the screen "Transaction Terminated".

 

It was not terminated at all Victor ... on account that we did not get our money. Your Uncle Jim got very angry and started swearing at the machine and hitting it hard with his stick. You should have heard the language Vic ... The air was blue with swear words I had never heard of which he had learnt when in the military.

 

The Security Guard came out of the Bank ... the one who looks like Tony Curtis ... must be his son I reckon.

 

He recognised your Uncle and tried to calm him down. Eventually your Uncle stopped swearing ... he must have run out of swear words without repeating himself ...

 

The Security Guard said he'll go inside and try to get our card back for us. He'll probably go and find the lady working in the machine ... she's probably still in the toilet poor thing. She did look pale you know ... Maybe she ate something that disagreed with her, like a dodgy haggis.

 

Anyways ... I see the Security Guard coming to us now with our card ... we'll get our money from the cashier inside this time. I don't trust these machines ... do you? It must be cramped inside there for an assistant to sit all day and night ... Bye Vic!

A Micro Call

 

Phone rings. Telephone-answering machine. Female voice.

 

Your call cannot be taken at the moment. Please leave your name and number after the tone. BEEEP ...

 

Damn ... it's that stupid female machine again ... hello ... hello ... hello Vic. This is aunt Elma here ... I am phoning you from Glasgow ... I am leaving my name on your female answering-machine as you told me to ... it is ... E ... L ... M ... A ... aunt Elma.

 

I am ringing to thank you all for the lovely gift you sent us. It arrived a few days ago but we did not ring to thank you then for reasons which you will understand later on in this telephone call.

 

The package came in a big box delivered by a man in a van ... it was white I think ... the van. He said he worked for an Internet Shopping Website, whatever that is, and that you sent us this package.

 

Inside there was another box with a micro something oven written on it ... wait ... I'll ask Jim ...

 

(Pause)

 

Jim said it was a microwave oven. There was also a note saying it was a gift from you. 

 

There was also a big booklet with instructions to make the oven work ... It was written in many languages ... French ... Italian ... German ... Dutch I think ... and lots of other languages. It was a waste of time, Jim said, seeing we only speak English.

He sat down and read the book and soon fell asleep in front of the TV.

Why did you send us a micro something oven Vic? Our oven here works OK ... we've had it twenty years if not a day less. 

Anyways,  ... thank you ... we put the oven on top of the TV. There's a shelf there as you recall; we moved away all the pictures on the shelf ... good time too. I hated so much that photo of Uncle Ebeneezer with his stupid moustache, so your oven was a good reason to get rid of the photos and put the oven on the shelf.

We tried something simple on the oven for a start. We thought we would warm a cup of milk before going to bed. We put the cup on that round thing that goes round and round and your uncle Jim punched the password on the panel on the oven with all them numbers.

We could not find the password in the booklet ... in any language; but Jim must have got it right because the light came on and the plate inside started going round and round.

It was fun watching it ... better than the TV which had a boring program on at the time.

Anyways ... the micro thing kept going round and round. For quite some time and inside we saw the milk in the cup boiling over and pouring all over the place ... we did not know how to make it stop.

Then the milk started coming out of the oven door ... all over the shelf it was ... and it started dripping on the TV below. 

Luckily I managed to get Jim out of the armchair ... he suffers badly with his back and is not as fast as he used to be. Oh ... he used to be so agile and supple when young ... I did like that. But now he's as stiff as a dead body.

 

So he pulled the electric plug out of the socket and we spent the evening cleaning up the burnt milk everywhere.

 

But that's not the end of it ... Vic. I told Jim not to use the microbe oven ... told him to put it in the garage. Did he listen? Did he heck?

 

I was out the other day shopping at the shops ... the ones down the road. You know the ones? The shops where you stopped for a while for the lights to change so you could cross the road and the dog you were holding on a lead peed all over your leg. How funny that was. I laughed and laughed so much I wet myself too, I tell you. You surely remember the shops I mean. Where that rotund assistant Murgatroyd Haberdasher-Brown works. She sells knickers and hats. Just next door to the hairdressers Curl Up and Dye where Miss Blodry Ya-Hattoff cut your hair once totally bald and you were a tad upset. Just opposite the florists owned by those Dutch twin-sisters; Two Lips from Amsterdam. Next to Doctor Daya Beatty's practice ... 

 

Anyways ... I was at the shops and Jim tried to be helpful and did some washing. You know ... vests and underwear and other unmentionables. My pink satin underpants where not totally dry ... a bit damp he said ... so to dry them he thought he'd warm them up in the microbe oven.

 

He put in a password ... he said he can't remember what it was ... and kept a look out in case something went wrong. Well, it did again ... He said my satin undergarments suddenly lit up on fire inside the microbe oven and the flames got out and started spreading on the shelf above the TV. 

 

Jim was standing at the time, rather than sitting in the armchair ... good job too! He quickly threw the cup of tea on the microbe oven and there were sparks everywhere ... so he said. Nearly got the house on fire.

 

I came in just then thankfully ... I saw the smoke everywhere and I beat the oven and the shelf with my coat which I took off quickly. The fire went out. Could have burnt the house down if I did not come in on time.

 

Anyways ... I'm ringing to thank you for your gift Vic. We've put the microbe oven in the garage for you to collect next time you're in Glasgow.

My Aunt Elma

 

Phone rings. Telephone-answering machine. Female voice.

 

Your call cannot be taken at the moment. Please leave your name and number after the tone. BEEEP ...

 

Hello ... hello ... is that you Vic? It sounded like a woman ... Hello ... Hey Jim ... I've just phoned Vic and a woman answered. You don't think he's got some woman now the family are on holiday in London? Hello ... can you hear me Vic? 

There's no answer ... I bet she hasn't told him I phoned ... I'll ring him again.

Phone line goes dead. Phone rings again. Telephone-answering machine. Female voice.

 

Your call cannot be taken at the moment. Please leave your name and number after the tone. BEEEP ...

 

Hello Vic ... I know you got a woman with you ... this is auntie Elma ... my phone number is ... wait a minute ... I'll get it for you ... have you got a pen and paper ready? Jim ... Jim ... what is our phone number? 

 

(Pause) 

 

Of course I don't know it ... I don't usually phone myself do I? Hold on Vic ... I'll get you my phone number ... here it is ... write it down now ... it's 0987 23 76 12 ...

 

This is aunt Elma ... that's E ... L ... M ... A ... Jim and I are ringing to see you and the family are all right. We haven't seen you since last Thanksgiving. 

 

We are all well here in Scotland ... your uncle Jim was in pain with his carbuncle ... your little nephew called him uncle carbuncle ... what a hoot ... but he was in pain poor soul ... he's a martyr to his carbuncle ... he went to the hospital ... one day like ... and now he's OK. He can sit down all right and no longer needs the inflatable ring.

 

I had some difficulties too you know ... women things ... best not to talk about it ...

 

That and my feet ... I've always had problems with my feet Vic ... they are far too small for my body ... I look like a penguin I do ... when I stand up and look down I cannot see my feet ... 

 

It's the same with your uncle Jim now he's put on some weight ... when he stands up it's something else he cannot see too ... he makes me laugh he does ... can't reach it either I guess ...

 

Hey ... You'll never guess who has died ... I bet you can't guess ... died suddenly ... any ideas?

 

(Pause)

 

It's poor Mr MacCoughin ... remember him? He lived down the road from us ... just by the bakery ... you know ... Ivor Bun Bakery ... where we got the crumpets ... Next to I Pullem the dentist ... and Ema Carrot the vegetables woman. Just opposite Ma Leggert the chiropodist and Blinkers the Opticians.

 

Poor MacCoughin died suddenly this morning. I saw him yesterday ... he was as fit as a fiddle ... always healthy and never a day ill ... he was 83 he was ... and very healthy ... died suddenly ... hit by a bus in town ... Just by Doug M Deep the funeral undertaker it was ... at least they didn't have to go far to collect him!

 

I'll phone you again later Vic ... here's your uncle Jim ...

 

(Pause)

 

Hello Vic ... you OK mate? Whilst the cat's away is it? Your secret is safe with me ... see you soon!

 

Elma's Visit

 

Aunt Elma came to visit us from Glasgow again. What else can I say? 

She said she needed a break from her husband so she told him she was going out shopping, went to the airport and flew in to see us. When she arrived she phoned her husband and told him she was at the supermarket. He asked her to bring home some ice-cream. That's when she told him that it would melt by the time she flew back home. He was not amused.

As a protest, like before when they've had an argument, he left home and moved in the garage until she returns home.

She told us an interesting, albeit weird, story.

Her neighbour who is in her late eighties, Mrs Mac Aroni is her name, went out shopping in town. By the way, Mrs Mac Aroni is a widow. Her husband died a few years back. He was the manager of a shop selling vacuum cleaners. It was his wish on his death bed that his ashes are spread all over the carpet in the store and then vacuum cleaned. His favourite saying was, "Life Sucks but not as good as our cleaners!"

Anyway, as my aunt was saying, Mrs Mac Aroni went out shopping in Glasgow. She stood outside the travel agent's shop window admiring all the places people go to on holiday. A few moments later an old man, about the same age, she said, came and stood by her watching the holiday brochures in the window.

Suddenly, the travel agent came out of the shop and invited them both in. "Congratulations," he said, "you are the 1000th people to visit my shop. You have won a free holiday abroad. All expenses paid!"

He took photos of both of them for publicity purposes and gave them tickets for a week's holiday in Italy ... or was it France? Aunt Elma couldn't remember which but it doesn't matter.

Anyway, after returning from her holiday Mrs Mac Aroni went back to the travel agent to thank them. They were delighted and asked her how she enjoyed the holiday. She said it was really wonderful, but who was that old man who shared the bedroom with her?

What else has been happening here? Oh yes ... might as well tell you about this in case it is of some help. The wi-fi in our house has been weak. We live in an old Victorian house with large rooms and high ceilings and sometimes you cannot get an internet signal on the laptop if you move from one room to another. The techie guy said he increased the router signal by some gigabytes; whatever that means.

What else? Oh yes, Aunt Elma. I did not know this but she fell off a horse recently and broke her femur. That's the big bone in the thigh. Can you imagine? At her age, she is about 88, riding a horse? And it was not a real horse either. It was one of those mechanical electrical horses which jump about like a rodeo bull which you sometimes have in pubs. A mechanical type seat that spins and jumps to make you fall off. It was at the pub. The Drunken Bishop, I think. Or was it The Fat Handmaid? Doesn't matter which pub it was.

She went to the pub and had a go on the mechanical horse thing and fell off breaking her femur. She went to hospital and got it fixed. It's OK now. Apparently they put in a metal plate round the bone to hold it together. She said it beeped at the airport security desk when they checked her.

But that's not all. Now with our improved more powerful wi-fi signal she gets radio wavelengths through the metal plate which acts as an aerial. It is very disconcerting when she's sitting there and we hear Frank Sinatra singing "I did it my way!" in her thigh.

She is a bit hard-of hearing so she does not realise it is happening. First time it happened we were at the table having dinner. Someone asked, "can you hear music?" It was Frank Sinatra then also. He was singing, "I've got you under my skin!"

Someone said the sound was coming from under the table. I looked under the table and realised what was happening. To save her blushes I changed the subject and told the family it was probably the neighbour's radio a bit too loud. 

I could not make out what was happening. Then she mentioned the metal plate in her leg and I realised. 

I told no one about it. At night, when I was in bed using the laptop I could hear from next door "Rock around the clock!"

The only way to remedy the situation is to get the techie guy to lower the power of the router to fewer gigabytes. This means I won't be able to use the laptop in all the rooms. We can increase the power again after Aunt Elma leaves.

In the meantime, "You put your left leg in. Your left leg out. In, out, in, out. You shake it all about. You do the hokey cokey. And you turn around. That's what it's all about. Woah, the hokey cokey. Woah, the hokey cokey. Woah, the hokey cokey. Knees bent. Arms stretched. Ra-ra-ra!"