At the vet

I had to take our cat to the vet for his annual vaccinations. You know the kind … Immunisation against all sort of feline diseases and allergies appertaining to cats. Except being cunning, conniving, plotting and scheming … there’s no vaccinations for that apparently.

First you have to put the cat in this small carrier cage especially designed for the purpose. Easier said than done … Have you ever seen one of those contraptions? They are small … cat sized actually … there’s no point in having a cage as big as a house is there? 

It’s a small box with a little door on the side. You open the door, put the cat in, and closed the door again. Simple … if the cat is willing to co-operate that is. It is dark in there and of course the cat is not interested is he? He’s had previous experience of that box. It always leads to the vet where bad things happen … as far as he’s concerned. And as far as I’m concerned too … have you seen how much the vet charges? His treatment costs more than the cat itself!

So I pick the cat … He hisses and struggles. He rolls round on his back to escape. He bares his teeth. He scratches for all he’s worth. He somehow manages to close the cage door just as I’m putting him in. The cage falls on the floor landing right on my foot. I jump and hobble in pain whilst the cat is permanently attached to my face with all claws drawn out like daggers. In my blind confusion I trip over the cage and land head first into the box of cat litter; whilst the cat escapes up a tree and laughs raucously at my misfortune.

Several attempts and First Aid plasters later the cat’s in the cage and we’re at the vet. And the same rigmarole starts again. The cat won’t come out of the cage. He wriggles and turns on the vet’s table. He runs up the curtains. We hunt him down and try to hold him still for a second or two whilst the vet prepares the injection. The cat hisses and scratches at the sight of the needle. I feel a sharp pain in my arm and all is over.

Now the vet did say that the injection is not harmful to humans … and the side effects are only temporary.

How could this be? If it’s not harmful then why have any side effects? Temporary or otherwise? In order to pacify me the vet agreed to waive the usual fee and asked me to come back next year without the cat.

The side effects of the injection are quite disturbing. I’ve noticed that recently I’ve started to lick my hands for no particular reason. I have an urge to climb trees and I sit purring happily at people when in public. It’s very embarrassing on crowded trains and buses … especially when I want to cuddle closely to people.

I went to see a psychiatrist. He said, “Get on the couch!” I told him I’m not allowed on the couch.

He gave me some red tablets to take once a day. I asked him what they do. He said “I don’t know. They’re samples I’ve received this morning and I’m trying them out on new patients!”

He asked me whether I get sudden headaches and pain on the knees. I said that I didn’t. He said that he’d had these symptoms for a week and couldn’t work out what it was.

He then gave me a saucer of milk and a piece of fish from his lunch box. He presented me with an invoice for $300. Can you imagine that? $300 for some milk and a piece of sardine sandwich!

That cured me instantly I tell you.

I said I’d report him to the Veterinary Society. He replied that he was not a vet.

“What business have you to treat a cat then?” I asked him directly.

He had no answer to that and he too agreed to waive his fee.

More cat stories in FELINE CATASTROPHES.

AMAZON LINK  HERE

At the vet ...

 

I went to see the vet. My pet mosquito was not well. I took it in a jar. The vet told me to sit on the couch. I told her I'm not allowed on the couch. She asked me what was the problem. I told her I keep thinking I'm a dog. She asked when did this start. I told her since I was a puppy.

She asked about the mosquito. I told her it's not feeling well. I let it out in the garden at night to go fend for itself and feed. It comes back in the morning exhausted and gasping for breath. It's losing weight.

She asked me how do I know. I said I weigh her on the bathroom scales. First me and the mosquito on my finger. Then me alone. And I subtract the two weights and the difference is the mosquito.

I said I think the mosquito is not eating any more. She said it's probably become vegetarian. It happens sometimes. People decide not to eat meat any more. And mosquitoes are people, aren't they? This one has probably gone vegetarian and will not take blood.

How can this be possible, I asked her. Seems strange, she said, but the other day she had a lion here who would only eat lettuce. I asked her what she did. She replied "lettuce prey!" 

Then she explained that she also had a claustrophobic tortoise. It was too afraid to go into its shell. She operated and gave the tortoise a new shell made of glass. Now it goes in and thinks it is out.

Also a goldfish which would not swim because water got in its eyes. So she designed special goggles for it and now it swims happily.

And an eagle with a fear of heights. He would just hop along and not fly. So she taught him to eat worms.

How about my mosquito, I asked. She said she wanted to take its blood pressure but did not know which arm or leg to use. Besides, does a vegetarian mosquito have blood?

I suggested a blood transfusion. She said her assistant Rocky had a compatible blood type; but try taking blood out of a stone!

I left totally dejected, although I did not know what it meant. So I bought a dictionary on the way home. It was a French dictionary so I can now always find the mot juste. 

Last night I let my mosquito go as usual. This morning it returned with another mosquito. It was in love all along. So I composed a love song for them ...

Knock knock
Who's there?
Amos
Amos who?
A mosquito

Knock knock
Who's there?
Anna
Anna who?
Another mosquito

Knock knock
Who's there?
Wherzee
Wherzee who?
Where zee blazes are all zeese mosquitoes eez coming from?
(French accent from French dictionary)