It was NOT my fault

 

I went to see the vet the other day. He wasn't well. He'd just bitten his own leg.

I went to see him because I could not find my chameleon. He was in his cage with plenty of vegetation and plants to make him feel at home and he camouflaged himself with the surrounding background. 

The vet was busy. His receptionist had not turned up to work because her cat had died. Being a kind vet he went out to the pet shop and bought her an identical cat. Now she has two dead cats.

He asked me to look after the reception for him whilst he operated on a tin of sardines. He craved for some sardines on toast.

Whilst I was at reception a lady came in with a large Labrador. And I mean large. She had bought a GPS type device which you attach to the dog's collar and when the dog is running loose in the park you can track where he is. 

The device was not working. I discovered the battery had run down. To charge it all you have to do is link a wire/cable with a USB connection at both ends - one end goes in the GPS device on the dog's collar, whilst the other end goes into the USB port/connection on the laptop computer. Electricity from the laptop goes through the wire and charges the battery in the GPS device.

All went well. I could see the GPS device light on and off to show it was charging. 

Then another lady came into the vet with her cat in hand. The dog saw it and barked. The cat bolted out of the vet's and into the street. The dog followed in pursuit taking with him the laptop which was still attached by the cable to the GPS device.

One moment I was typing happily, the next the laptop vanished from the receptionist's desk and out in the street. I could no longer book appointments when clients rang in.

A pseudo car chase ensued; only with no cars. 

The cat ran out first, chased by the dog, followed by the laptop, then the cat owner, then the dog owner  and finally me trying to catch up with them all. 

Each one of us had a goal in mind. The cat wanted to save its life. The dog wanted the cat. the owner of the cat wanted her cat back, and the owner of the dog wanted her dog back ... whilst all I wanted was the laptop back to book an appointment for someone who'd just rang in. 

My chameleon remained invisible watching the whole drama unfold.

We ran into the street. The cat crossed the road unaware of a pedestrian marked cross-walk not far away. 

He was followed by the dog and the laptop bouncing on the ground at every opportunity. 

A car stopped suddenly and was hit from behind by a bus full of elderly passengers. They all tumbled inside the vehicle like pins in a ten-pin bowling alley.

I waited patiently and lawfully at the traffic lights until it was time for me to cross. 

The two ladies were arguing with each other using language I will not repeat here because I don't know how to spell some of the words they used in their animated conversation.

Eventually, we crossed the road and into the park opposite. The cat had gone up a tree. The dog was at its foot barking like mad whilst the laptop had now given up the ghost and lay in pieces all over the place. 

I left the two ladies to get their pets whilst I collected as many pieces of laptop as I could and put them in my pocket. I did not realise there were so many keys/button on the keyboard; and also so many bits that fell out from the insides of the laptop. 

I was still picking up the pieces when a Park Attendant turned up and fined me £100 for littering the park. I told him it was not me but the cat ... or the dog ... or their owners' fault; but he would not listen.

Somehow the two ladies got their pets back and went their own way. I was the only one there with bits of laptop everywhere. Not a convincing argument for the Park Attendant.

I went back to the vet's in the hope of putting the laptop together with strong glue. It was a wasted exercise. 

The vet, (wrongly), blamed me for the whole incident. He asked me to pay for a new laptop, plus loss of business whilst I was out chasing the runaway laptop, and also loss of goodwill and future business from the two ladies in question.  

I told him it was not my fault. My chameleon agreed. What do you think?

NOTE: For amusement purposes only. No cats, dogs or laptops have been harmed in the writing of this story. Only a self-bitten vet's leg.  

At the vet ...

 

I went to see the vet. My pet mosquito was not well. I took it in a jar. The vet told me to sit on the couch. I told her I'm not allowed on the couch. She asked me what was the problem. I told her I keep thinking I'm a dog. She asked when did this start. I told her since I was a puppy.

She asked about the mosquito. I told her it's not feeling well. I let it out in the garden at night to go fend for itself and feed. It comes back in the morning exhausted and gasping for breath. It's losing weight.

She asked me how do I know. I said I weigh her on the bathroom scales. First me and the mosquito on my finger. Then me alone. And I subtract the two weights and the difference is the mosquito.

I said I think the mosquito is not eating any more. She said it's probably become vegetarian. It happens sometimes. People decide not to eat meat any more. And mosquitoes are people, aren't they? This one has probably gone vegetarian and will not take blood.

How can this be possible, I asked her. Seems strange, she said, but the other day she had a lion here who would only eat lettuce. I asked her what she did. She replied "lettuce prey!" 

Then she explained that she also had a claustrophobic tortoise. It was too afraid to go into its shell. She operated and gave the tortoise a new shell made of glass. Now it goes in and thinks it is out.

Also a goldfish which would not swim because water got in its eyes. So she designed special goggles for it and now it swims happily.

And an eagle with a fear of heights. He would just hop along and not fly. So she taught him to eat worms.

How about my mosquito, I asked. She said she wanted to take its blood pressure but did not know which arm or leg to use. Besides, does a vegetarian mosquito have blood?

I suggested a blood transfusion. She said her assistant Rocky had a compatible blood type; but try taking blood out of a stone!

I left totally dejected, although I did not know what it meant. So I bought a dictionary on the way home. It was a French dictionary so I can now always find the mot juste. 

Last night I let my mosquito go as usual. This morning it returned with another mosquito. It was in love all along. So I composed a love song for them ...

Knock knock
Who's there?
Amos
Amos who?
A mosquito

Knock knock
Who's there?
Anna
Anna who?
Another mosquito

Knock knock
Who's there?
Wherzee
Wherzee who?
Where zee blazes are all zeese mosquitoes eez coming from?
(French accent from French dictionary)