Hello ... Hello ...

 

Hello ... Hello ... God?

God ... are you there?

Please pick up ... pick up ... don't put me on the answering machine!

Hello ... is that God? 

Hi ... I have called to say ... thank you!

MORAL: Be patient. Be thankful.

My Aunt Elma

 

Phone rings. Telephone-answering machine. Female voice.

 

Your call cannot be taken at the moment. Please leave your name and number after the tone. BEEEP ...

 

Hello ... hello ... is that you Vic? It sounded like a woman ... Hello ... Hey Jim ... I've just phoned Vic and a woman answered. You don't think he's got some woman now the family are on holiday in London? Hello ... can you hear me Vic? 

There's no answer ... I bet she hasn't told him I phoned ... I'll ring him again.

Phone line goes dead. Phone rings again. Telephone-answering machine. Female voice.

 

Your call cannot be taken at the moment. Please leave your name and number after the tone. BEEEP ...

 

Hello Vic ... I know you got a woman with you ... this is auntie Elma ... my phone number is ... wait a minute ... I'll get it for you ... have you got a pen and paper ready? Jim ... Jim ... what is our phone number? 

 

(Pause) 

 

Of course I don't know it ... I don't usually phone myself do I? Hold on Vic ... I'll get you my phone number ... here it is ... write it down now ... it's 0987 23 76 12 ...

 

This is aunt Elma ... that's E ... L ... M ... A ... Jim and I are ringing to see you and the family are all right. We haven't seen you since last Thanksgiving. 

 

We are all well here in Scotland ... your uncle Jim was in pain with his carbuncle ... your little nephew called him uncle carbuncle ... what a hoot ... but he was in pain poor soul ... he's a martyr to his carbuncle ... he went to the hospital ... one day like ... and now he's OK. He can sit down all right and no longer needs the inflatable ring.

 

I had some difficulties too you know ... women things ... best not to talk about it ...

 

That and my feet ... I've always had problems with my feet Vic ... they are far too small for my body ... I look like a penguin I do ... when I stand up and look down I cannot see my feet ... 

 

It's the same with your uncle Jim now he's put on some weight ... when he stands up it's something else he cannot see too ... he makes me laugh he does ... can't reach it either I guess ...

 

Hey ... You'll never guess who has died ... I bet you can't guess ... died suddenly ... any ideas?

 

(Pause)

 

It's poor Mr MacCoughin ... remember him? He lived down the road from us ... just by the bakery ... you know ... Ivor Bun Bakery ... where we got the crumpets ... Next to I Pullem the dentist ... and Ema Carrot the vegetables woman. Just opposite Ma Leggert the chiropodist and Blinkers the Opticians.

 

Poor MacCoughin died suddenly this morning. I saw him yesterday ... he was as fit as a fiddle ... always healthy and never a day ill ... he was 83 he was ... and very healthy ... died suddenly ... hit by a bus in town ... Just by Doug M Deep the funeral undertaker it was ... at least they didn't have to go far to collect him!

 

I'll phone you again later Vic ... here's your uncle Jim ...

 

(Pause)

 

Hello Vic ... you OK mate? Whilst the cat's away is it? Your secret is safe with me ... see you soon!

 

Contact by phone

 

I receive from time to time emails from my kind and loyal readers and friends. These come straight to my desk and are always welcome and are replied to. 

The address is enquiries@holyvisions.co.uk

We have now installed a new service for anyone who prefers to speak to me directly on the phone. The number will be provided on request by e-mailing the address above.   

When you phone you will be connected directly to my office and to me alone - no assistant, or computer AI system or agency employees will be involved in your call. 

Should I not be at my office please:

PRESS 1 - to be transferred to the lounge where I may be at the time.

PRESS 2 - to transfer to the kitchen.

PRESS 3 - to transfer to the bathroom or shower room.

PRESS 4 - to transfer to the bedroom - but not if your call is at night !!! Please consider time differences between your time zone and ours here in the UK.

PRESS 5 - to transfer to the garden, (back garden or front garden equally accessible).

PRESS 6 - to transfer to my cell-phone in case I am not at home, or asleep in the car as a result of a family argument. 

PRESS 7 - to hear all these options again.

PRESS 8 - if you regret phoning me in the first place. 

There may be a delay whilst transferring you to your selected option. At such times there will be some uplifting music played whilst you wait. 

We guarantee the waiting period will not last for more than 59 minutes before the transfer is carried out. 

Should the delay last longer than 59 minutes you will be asked to hang up and phone again and the call will be terminated. 

You can PRESS 9 at any time should you wish to change the music you are listening to whilst waiting. 

This will have no effect on the selection of music we have chosen but it will make you feel as if you are in control of something.

PRESS * or # at any time, even when not on a call to us, if you have realised by now that you are not in control of anything in life.

We are like little ants on a floating leaf. We think we are in control of where we are going. But we are not in control at all, we just go with the flow.

Only God is in control.

I just called to say ...

 

The telephone rang. I did not answer it. I was in Paris at the time and could not hear the phone ringing at my home in England. 

The next day my wife rang me from England to my cell-phone in Paris. She said the phone rang the previous day and no one answered it because everyone was out. I told here I was not out I was in my hotel room. She said the phone at home in England not in my pocket in Paris. 

Whoever had phoned had left a message on the answering-machine. It said, "Is Sally in?" We don't know anyone called Sally, and anyway, if she was in she would have answered the phone whilst everyone else was out. In fact she would have been an intruder in our house. 

My wife asked me who Sally was. I asked her the same question. In the absence of Sally we could not respond to the caller who had not left his name and number anyway.

I then realised that there's a clever system whereby all my calls at the office in London can be re-directed automatically to my cell-phone wherever I am. I could be in Paris, (which I was), or in Rome or anywhere and someone phones my office in London and I answer, and they think I'm in my London office.

Why not use the same system to make all calls to our home re-direct automatically to my cell-phone so I can answer them when the family is out.

It worked marvellously. I was asked if my wife will attend the bridal shower party at Dolores? Whether we'll be visiting the in-laws next week? Is it OK for the workers to come and fix the garden fence on Thursday? Or am I interested in purchasing new house insurance or whatever other product or service the tele-sales people were hoping to sell that day? In effect I became the answering-machine for the whole family whilst they were out enjoying themselves and I received all their calls and relayed them back to them when they were in.

The whole thing became insane; which in fact I nearly was when I once answered the cell-phone whilst walking by the Paris river. 

When I got back home my wife wanted to know who Sally was. I told her to ask Harry. 

Allo ... Allo ...

 

Years ago, when I worked in London, I had a cell-phone with two numbers. One for personal calls and one for business ones. The ring-tones were different so when the phone rang I could tell if the caller was personal or a business call. Also, when I left my office in London, all my business calls were transferred automatically to my cell-phone so I was available 24/7 in case something important needed my attention.

In those days, (and sometimes even now), when in  a good mood, I like to answer my personal calls in a foreign accent - French, Italian or whatever.

I was on a train heading North and I had a business call. Impetuously, and without thinking, I answered the call in a French accent.

"Allo ..." I said, "who eez eet zat eez zee speaking?"

Unfortunately, and coincidentally, it was a French client. We did business all over the world!

"Who eez zees?" asked the French female voice.

"Eet eez mee," I answered not realising it was a business call and I should act more grown up.

"Are you zee taking zee mockery of my French accent?" she asked.

"Non ... pas du tout," I said, "I spoke weez zee French accent first, so eet eez you who eez taking zee mockery of me!" I had to continue the pretence; I could hardly admit to a potential client that I was deliberately speaking in an accent. "Who eez eet you are?" I asked still in character. (Cinema producers please note - I am available for various roles.)

"Eet eez Evette!" she replied.

"A vet?" I asked, "eet eez interesting to be a vet, n'est-ce pas?"

"I am not a vet," she said angrily, "I work with Anette!"

"I see ..." I continued, whilst the other train passengers were getting more interested in my conversation, so now I had to continue in French, "I see ... a vet weez a net ... eez zat to catch zee butterflies or zee fish?

"Not zee fish ..." she said, "Anette eez zee woman."

"Je comprends," I said, "a woman fish, over ere in zee England wee call zem mermaids! You are a vet and you 'ave zee mermaid. Zees eez veree amazing!"

She hung up on me. Some clients are very rude don't you think? I mean ... I was trying "zee" best to help her.

But the story does not end there. A few moments later the phone rang again. It was another business  call; so I answered it politely in my normal English accent. The other passengers were amazed at how quickly I integrated into society and got an English accent.

Who am I speaking to?

 

Thank you for calling the Timetable Phoneline. Your call is important to us. This is an automated Railway Timetable Information Phoneline. Please speak clearly and state your desired travel destination.

Birmingham.

You have selected London.

No ... I said Birmingham. Bir Ming Ham!

Please state the date you wish to travel from your local station to London.

No ... not London. BIR MING HAM. 

You have selected Swansea. Please state the date you wish to travel from your local station to Swansea.

I don't want to travel to Swansea. I want to go BIRMINGHAM.

You can select the date by entering on your keypad the day, month and year of your intended travel as follows - DD/MM/YYYY then press the # key.

It's pointless me pressing on this stupid keypad. We have not agreed the destination yet.

You have selected the 32nd day of the 13th month in the year 2525. 

No I haven't you stupid machine. I just hit my phone with my fist.

You have just called me stupid. We do not tolerate verbal abuse from our customers. Only from management. 

Wait a minute ... if you're a machine, how did you know I called you stupid.

Ooops ... faux pas. Please ignore what I have just said. Please speak clearly and state your desired travel destination.

This is not an automated machine. You're a human aren't you?

No I am not. Please speak clearly and state your desired travel destination.

Yes you are. A machine would not have known I said stupid and would not answer me back like you just did. 

Yes it would.

No it wouldn't.

Yes it would. It would. It would. 

All right. If you're a machine tell me the time of the first train from my local station to Birmingham. That's BIR MING HAM. Not London, or Swansea or any where else. BIRMINGHAM.

Wait a minute. I'll look it up!

Look it up? You're supposed to be an automated computerised machine with all the timetables on your database. What do you mean look it up?

Well, sometimes the pages in this timetable stick together as I search for the destination. How do you spell Birmingham? Does it start with the letter D?

Hello ... Hello ...

 

Hello ... Hello ... God?

God ... are you there?

Please pick up ... pick up ... don't put me on the answering machine!

Hello ... is that God? 

Hi ... I have called to say ... thank you!

MORAL: Be patient. Be thankful.

Phone Calls

 

Phone rings.

"Hello, is that you?"

"No."

Puts phone down. Phone rings again.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

Puts phone down. Phone rings again.

"I would like to speak to the person who owns this phone."

"OK!"

"Is that you?"

"No."

Puts phone down. Phone rings again.

"Before you ask, yes I am sure it is not me who owns this phone. I am just visiting. The owner of the phone is in the shower. Can you ring her again later?"

Silence.

"Does the owner of the phone, and this address, like foreign food?"

"What? I told you, she is in the shower!"

"Could you ask her, please? Does she like foreign food? You know, French food, Italian, Greek ... any foreign foods from around the world."

"I told you, she is in the shower. You don't seriously expect me to barge in and ask her!"

"It would help!"

"Why do you want to know?"

"We can arrange monthly deliveries of packages with all the ingredients to prepare a nice meal for two of any nation or taste. Say pizza or pasta dishes with nice Italian wine, or a Greek moussaka with Retsina wine or Ouzo, or ..."

"Wait ... I shall go and ask her."

Leaves line open for a few minutes whilst reading a magazine then says, "Do you sell shampoo, or bubble bath?"

"Ehm ... no ..."

"Pity ... that's what she needs right now!"

Puts phone down.  

Radio Phone-In

 

Have you noticed how on radio or TV phone-in programs the presenter, or guest, or Agony Aunt, are always very polite to the callers, regardless of the stupidity of their questions.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Hello everyone. We have on the program today Henrietta Hat, the Agony Aunt of a well-known magazine. She is here to answer your questions. And ... we have a caller on the line ... over to you caller ...

CALLER 1: Hello ... I'm a bit nervous ... this is my first time on your program ...

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Don't worry we're all friends here. What is your question? 

CALLER 1: Well ... some days I seem to be eating a lot. I have breakfast. Then go back to the fridge and have something else, like a piece of cheese. Then potato chips and this and that. It's like I can't stop myself. Why is that?

HENRIETTA HAT: It's either because you've got worms or you're a greedy so and so ...

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Easy ... easy ... Henrietta. That's not how we talk to our callers.

HENRIETTA HAT: Well someone's got to tell her the facts or else ...

RADIO ANNOUNCER: We now move on to another caller on line two. Hello caller. What is your question?

CALLER 2: Ehm ... I'm hesitant because my problem is like the previous caller. Sometimes I go to the fridge, open the door, look here and there and don't fancy anything, so I close the fridge and go away. I keep doing that, but never find something good to eat. 

HENRIETTA HAT: Good Heavens ... not another one ...

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Easy now Henrietta!

HENRIETTA HAT: Well, the solution is simple. Either fill the fridge with things that you like to eat; or better still, take the fridge door off. This way you won't need to open and close the fridge and loose the cool air inside. You know how to take the door off, don't you? Just unscrew the hinges, or get your husband to do it for you!

RADIO ANNOUNCER: That's not very politically correct, Henrietta. Telling her to get her husband to do it. I'm sure she's perfectly capable to ...  

HENRIETTA HAT: Oh phooeee ... there's too much political correctness these days. Look where it got us. If she can't make up her mind whether to eat or not she'd hardly have the brains to unscrew the hinges off the door ...

RADIO ANNOUNCER: What's you're problem Caller Number 3?

CALLER 3: I keep dreaming I am being chased by a mandrill.

HENRIETTA HAT: What's a mandrill?

CALLER 3: I don't know.

HENRIETTA HAT: How do you know it is a mandrill chasing you?

CALLER 3: Because he has a badge on his chest saying "Mandrill". He is chasing me and I run away. And he takes my electronic tablet on which I have stored all my books to read. And he breaks it and eats it.

HENRIETTA HAT: That's one weird dream, lady. Does it happen often?

CALLER 3: Yes ... every night for the past month. I told my husband about it.

HENRIETTA HAT: Does he look like a mandrill, perhaps? What did your husband say?

CALLER 3: What's a mandrill? He did not know what it was either.

HENRIETTA HAT: What happened next?

CALLER 3: My husband suggested I go to a psychiatrist. Which I did.

HENRIETTA HAT: That's a good move. What did the psychiatrist say?

CALLER 3: What's a mandrill?

HENRIETTA HAT: So we've established that neither you, nor your husband, nor I nor the psychiatrist know what a mandrill is. For all we know you might be being chased by a monkey. I 'll ask the Radio Announcer ...

RADIO ANNOUNCER: I have looked it up in the dictionary whilst you were talking.

HENRIETTA HAT: And?

RADIO ANNOUNCER: It's a French dictionary ... and someone has torn out the whole M section.

HENRIETTA HAT: Look caller, next time you have this dream just draw on a piece of paper who is chasing you and come back to this radio program next week. In the meantime, we'll try to find out what  a mandrill is. This may be very significant in interpreting your stupid dream. Goodbye! 

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Next caller please.

CALLER 4: Hi ... I sometimes wake up in the morning and feel very lethargic with low energy. What is that?

HENRIETTA HAT: Simple ... you are a lazy man who should be at work to feed your family ...

RADIO ANNOUNCER: You can't say that, Henrietta. You can't call our callers lazy.

HENRIETTA HAT: Why not? If it's the truth.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: And that's the end of the show ... doesn't time fly? See you all next week listeners when our guest will be someone really different ... I hope!

My phone conversation with the priest

 

FATHER MARK

 

Hello ... is this St Vincent Church?

I would like to speak to Father Donald please ...

... Not Father Mark ... he is a little frightening at times ... I find him intimida ...

... Oh it's you Father Mark !!! Hello ...

... Ehm ... I'm sorry about what I said just then ...

... Will I need to confess it as a sin? No ... oh good ...

Well ... what I wondered is ... you know your housekeeper ...

Yes ... Mrs Nightingale ... yes ... well ... do you think she has my sausages?

My sausages ... You see, I am at home cooking breakfast ... fried eggs and bacon with baked beans and no sausages ...

Yes ... I have no sausages ... and I wondered if Mrs Nightingale had them and cooked them for you and Father Donald for breakfast ...

I was at the butcher this morning ... you see ... Ivor Bull and Harry Lamb ... do you know them?

... They are in the High Street next to the pub The Drunken Bishop ...

Yes ... I'm about to get to the point ... don't intimidate me please ... it makes me worried when you shout ... Ok ... yes ... I have calmed down ...

... Well ... the butcher ... he makes lovely pork sausages ... chipolatas ...

... That's the name of the sausages ... Have you ever tried them?

Yes ... I'm getting there ... Well ... I got half a pound of chipolatas and then on my way home I came in the Church.

I sat at the back ... and it was about the end of the Mass ... is it a sin to come at the end of the Mass rather than the beginning?

No? Well ... I stayed there and said a prayer whilst the two or three people there went home ... then I left too ...

When I got home I did not have my chipolatas ... I may have left them on the pew ... the last one at the back on the left ...

Well ... I thought perhaps Mrs Nightingale may have found them when she was cleaning the church and fed them to you and Father Donald?

Why are you angry with me, Father? I was only asking ...

Ok ... after I have had my breakfast ... without the chipolatas ... I'll come over to church and ask Mrs Nightingale if she found them ...

Will you be there? No? You'll be out? For how long? I thought I'd say "hello" whilst I'm there ... You'll be out for a month?

Ok ... I'll say "hello" now then ... and "goodbye!"

I hope you are not angry with me, Father ... Father ... He's hung up!

Hello from Glasgow

Phone rings. Telephone-answering machine. Female voice.

Your call cannot be taken at the moment. Please leave your name and number after the tone. BEEEP ...

Hello Vic ... this is aunt ELMA ... E ... L ... M ... A ... Elma ...

It's been a while since I last phoned you two days ago. I thought I'd ring again to check you're all OK and to give you our news from Glasgow ... also on account that I have nothing else to do for the moment ...  our Jim has fallen asleep in front of the TV and left it switched on the football. There's a game on between Hibernian and Midlothian and he's asleep and missing it all ... here listen ...

(Pause)

Did you hear the TV? By the way ... that humming sound like a sawmill in the background is our Jim snoring ... He snores louder than the TV even with the sound on full power ... I cannot find the remote on account that he has slept on it ... He sits there like a big Teddy with the remote control under his backside ... I daren't go and fetch it on account of what else I might find down there ... the other day I tried and got hold of a half-eaten sausage that had dropped off his plate whilst he was having supper ... 

He woke up suddenly and I jumped out of my skin with the fright he gave me ... he saw me holding the sausage and nearly fainted back to sleep again ... he did ... 

He said I gave him a heart attack ... seeing me holding the sausage in my hand.

Anyways ... I said nothing to him ... a closed mouth gathers no feet, you know!

I didn't tell you did I? You know Mr Mac Ramé? He used to teach origami at the college. Well, he's resigned. He said it was too much paperwork. He's a Christian, you know. He told me his wife introduced him to religion. He did not know what hell was until he met her. That's when he discovered what happiness was; but by then it was too late for him, poor soul.

He said he wants to be a monk, but they will not have him on account that he is married. He told them he'll take her along as his penance.

I told you about Mr Mac Merton who died on account of him being hit by a bus didn't I? Well I was passing his house and noticed that they were still delivering his newspapers everyday. He had a pile of papers on his doorstep, he had. One of them had his obituary in it. I sat there and read it. Amazing how people always die in alphabetical order. I was reading the paper in case Jim or I were in it and no one told us.

Anyways ... I left a note on the door for the newspaper boy. It said, "Please do not leave newspapers for Mr Mac Merton at Number 14 as he is dead until further notice". 

Oh dear Lord ... I nearly forgot to tell you I did ... It was in the local papers and all ... in a village not twenty miles from here they saw a flying thingy from outer space. What do they call it? A Pee F O or something. Well, apparently, I heard from Mrs McTavish that these spacemen people turned a man into a haggis. When his wife rang the police to ask what she should do they told her to either boil him for an hour or put him in the oven until it is ready. Can you imagine that? Having your husband turned into a haggis? 

I'd never have my Jim with boiled potatoes and parsnips I wouldn't.

Anyways ... that's all for now. Phone you again soon.

Return To Sender ...

 

We have received a letter from aunt Elma. She writes from time to time, as well as phone. Maybe I should send the letter back with the inscription: Return to sender.  

Anyway ... here is the letter:

Dear Nephew and Niece and little ones.

I tried to phone you the other day but then I thought twice about it. In fact I thought more than twice. I just could not face that woman’s voice on your answer thing you have on your phone. She sounds so pompous and full of herself. I know it is only a voice, as Vic explained, but I imagine her with big bosoms full of herself in her posh accent.

I spoke to Jim about it, and he said I should write instead. I keep thinking she will open the letter and read it first before you do. It reminds me when our Quentin was young and still living at home. He often said he hates it when I invade his privacy. I’d read it in his diary.

Our Jim had quite a week lately. This week like. On Wednesday he was stopped by the police at 10 at night as he was coming home from the pub. A bit early for him I must say. The Police Officer asked him, "Where were you between 4 and 6?" Jim replied, "Kindergarten."

He was nearly arrested for being drunk in charge of stupidity. But they let him go.

It was sunny yesterday and they said on the TV it would be a lovely day for this time of year in Glasgow. When I went out I took my umbrella. I am an optimist. But I'm an optimist who takes her raincoat as well. But when I got to the shop I discovered I forgot my purse. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

I remember when I was young. I started out with nothing ... I still have most of it. That’s life, isn’t it? It was all so different before everything changed. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. It's hard to make a comeback in life when you haven't been anywhere.

Our Jim took up a new hobby at his old age. He and Fred from down the road have taken up bird watching. I mean the feathered ones; not women. After pub the other night they went through the park on the way home and heard an owl cry. They decided to find where it was so they separated. Fred went by the cemetery whilst my Jim went by the water fountain and hid behind the bushes. He hooted once or twice to see what would happen. The owl hooted back. Jim hooted again. This went on for some twenty minutes until both of them realised they were hooting at each other.

When Jim told me about it and he came home all his clothes dirty from him lying behind the bushes I could have hit him with the frying pan, but I did not want to damage it. It cost £4 ten years ago when I bought it. 

Instead I went to my room and prayed to God. I said:  Lead me not into temptation - I can find the way myself.

Good bye for now. I was going to send you a photo of me and Jim but I have already sealed the envelope.

Love XXXX

Elma and Jim

A Micro Call

 

 

 

Phone rings. Telephone-answering machine. Female voice.

 

Your call cannot be taken at the moment. Please leave your name and number after the tone. BEEEP ...

 

Damn ... it's that stupid female machine again ... hello ... hello ... hello Vic ... this is aunt Elma here ... I am phoning you from Glasgow ... I am leaving my name on your female answering-machine as you told me to ... it is ... E ... L ... M ... A ... aunt Elma.

 

I am ringing to thank you all for the lovely gift you sent us. It arrived a few days ago but we did not ring to thank you then for reasons which you will understand later on in this telephone call ...

 

The package came in a big box delivered by a man in a van ... it was white I think ... the van ... He said he worked for an Internet Shopping Website ... whatever that is ... and that you sent us this package ...

 

Inside there was another box with a micro something oven written on it ... wait ... I'll ask Jim ...

 

(Pause)

 

Jim said it was a microwave oven. There was also a note saying it was a gift from you ...

 

There was also a big booklet with instructions to make the oven work ... it was written in many languages ... French ... Italian ... German ... Dutch I think ... and lots of other languages ... It was a waste of time, Jim said, seeing we only speak English.

He sat down and read the book ... and soon fell asleep in front of the TV ...

Why did you send us a micro something oven Vic? Our oven here works OK ... we've had it twenty years if not a day less. 

Anyways ... thank you ... we put the oven on top of the TV ... there's a shelf there as you recall ... we moved away all the pictures on the shelf ... good time too ... I hated so much that photo of Uncle Ebeneezer ... with his stupid moustache ... so your oven was a good reason to get rid of the photos and put the oven on the shelf ...

We tried something simple on the oven for a start ... we thought we would warm a cup of milk before going to bed ... we put the cup on that round thing that goes round and round and your uncle Jim punched the password on the panel on the oven with all them numbers ...

We could not find the password in the booklet ... in any language ... but Jim must have got it right because the light came on and the plate inside started going round and round.

It was fun watching it ... better than the TV which had a boring program on at the time ...

Anyways ... the micro thing kept going round and round ... for quite some time and inside we saw the milk in the cup boiling over and pouring all over the place ... we did not know how to make it stop ...

Then the milk started coming out of the oven door ... all over the shelf it was ... and it started dripping on the TV below ... 

Luckily I managed to get Jim out of the armchair ... he suffers badly with his back and is not as fast as he used to be ... Oh ... he used to be so agile and supple when young ... but now he's as stiff as a dead body ...

 

So he pulled the electric plug out of the socket and we spent the evening cleaning up the burnt milk everywhere ...

 

But that's not the end of it ... Vic. I told Jim not to use the microbe oven ... told him to put it in the garage. Did he listen? Did he heck?

 

I was out the other day shopping at the shops ... the ones down the road. Jim tried to be helpful and did some washing. You know ... vests and underwear and other unmentionables. My pink satin underpants where not totally dry ... a bit damp he said ... so to dry them he thought he'd warm them up in the microbe oven .

 

He put in a password ... he said he can't remember what it was ... and kept a look out in case something went wrong. Well, it did again ... He said my satin undergarments suddenly lit up on fire inside the microbe oven and the flames got out and started spreading on the shelf above the TV. 

 

Jim was standing at the time, rather than sitting in the armchair ... good job too ... he quickly threw the cup of tea on the microbe oven and there were sparks everywhere ... so he said ... nearly got the house on fire ...

 

I came in just then thankfully ... I saw the smoke everywhere and I beat the oven and the shelf with my coat which I took off quickly. The fire went out ... could have burnt the house down if I did not come in on time ...

 

Anyways ... I'm ringing to thank you for your gift Vic. 

Hello ... I just called to say ...

Hello aunt Elma ... this is Vic. How are you?

I noticed you phoned me yesterday ... Yes I know ... you did not leave a message but the machine here recorded your telephone number so I knew it was you.

Yes it is clever ... ... ... look auntie, you need not be afraid to leave a message. When you hear the voice on the answering machine, just wait till you hear the tone ... you know ... a long BEEEEP ... then just leave you name. Just say it's aunt Elma and I'll know it's you and I'll phone you back when I get home.

I'm glad you're all OK now about the misunderstanding about the phone machine and the female voice that spoke to you.

Yes we're all OK here ... I've been asked to phone you to see if mom-in-law got to you all right. We knew she was coming over to see you in Glasgow and Mary asked me to phone you. She's taking the kids to school. She'll ring you later ...

It must be great to see your sister again ... yes ... Sonia ... I don't call her Sonia because she prefers me to call her mom ... or mom-in-law ...

Well ... to be honest ... I just called to say that your sister ... Sonia ... well ... she forgot her false teeth behind.

Yes ... her false teeth ... we found the dentures on the dressing table in the dining room. The children were traumatised by it all ... they'd never seen teeth without a mouth around them!

I told them the Tooth Fairy must have dropped them when she came round to collect Eric's tooth which he put under his pillow.  

Yes ... I left him some money under the pillow. I left him £2. He thought the Tooth Fairy would leave him £5 but I said it would probably be £2. He was surprised how I had guessed it correctly.

Yes they believe anything at that age ... He hopes that Father Christmas will get him the latest computer game machine for Christmas. And Helen hopes to get a doll with all the assorted dresses in her wardrobe ...

I know ... toys cost a fortune these days ... not like in our days. We were lucky to get an orange for Christmas or a clip round the ears.

I'll have to tell them that Father Christmas was mugged and their toys were stolen from him. Either that or that he has been arrested for flying well over the speed limit. Anything to avoid me buying those presents ...

No ... no ... aunt Elma ... don't buy them the presents yourself ... no please don't ... well, if you must. Thanks ... how kind of you.

Now about these teeth ... shall I send them to you by post? Mom-in-law must be feeding through a straw I guess ... Difficult to suck lentil broth through straw ... too thick ... the broth of course ...

Yes I'll wait till you speak to her ... ... ...

(Pause)

Hello ... I'm still here ... she doesn't want them? She has another pair?

She has a pair of false teeth for indoors and another pair for outdoors? That's novel.

You mean like sunglasses? A pair of ordinary bifocals for everyday seeing and a pair for seeing outside when sunny!

So she has two pairs of dentures? One for ordinary days and one for meeting important people? Well you should consider yourself honoured aunt Elma you have the good set of teeth. Or are the ones we have here the good ones? Don't ask her ...

I'll be honest auntie ... your sister sometimes makes me wonder. Once when I went to see her at her house she was looking a bit puzzled and could not hear me well ... I noticed she had a suppository in her ear. It was stuck there.

When I pointed it out she wondered where she'd put her hearing aid.

We searched everywhere and I was the one who found it ... it was on the small table next to the TV ... where did you think it was?

No ... not there ... ... ...

Anyway ... goodbye aunt Elma ... Mary will phone you as soon as she's home.

I called her back ... what a back!

 

 

Hello aunt Elma ... this is Vic ... I just got your two calls yesterday and the day before ... I've been very busy at work and got home very late to phone you back ... ... ...

No auntie ... it was not a woman who answered the phone ... it was a machine ... 

Yes a machine ... no ... not a female doll ... ... ... an answering machine with a woman's voice ... Have you never seen a telephone-answering machine?

No auntie ... I did not insinuate you are backwards or old fashioned ... I know you don't like gadgets and modern things at home ... auntie ... auntie ... just listen ... you were speaking to a machine ... you know ... like that CD player I bought you for Christmas to listen to Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra ... 

 

It is a bit like the old wound-up record player you used to have. Remember? You wound it with a handle and it had a big cone like thing for the sound to come out? Well ... the CD player is the same but more modern.

What do you mean you never used it? What do you mean it doesn't work ... ... ...

No auntie ... you got it wrong ... for the machine to work you have to put a CD in the machine ... a Bing Crosby or Sinatra CD or whatever ...

I don't know what a CD stands for ... it's a disc ... you know, those two boxes I gave you with the photos of Bing Crosby and Sinatra on them. Yes ... the one where he is wearing a Christmas hat ... that's the one.

What do you mean you never used them? How do you expect the CD player to play Sinatra if you've not put the CD in it? 

What? Of course the box is wrapped in very tight cellophane material. It's for security reasons. Yes it can be difficult to unwrap ... I see ... so you ignored both boxes of CDs and expected the CD player to play you the music just by reading your thoughts? ... Or perhaps by you asking it to play your songs for you ... thank Heavens I didn't get you one of those ... the machine would not have understood a word you're saying and would have probably committed suicide!

(Pause)

Look aunt ... Listen ... Forget about the answering machine and the CD player ... 

 

Listen ... aunt Elma ... you have nothing to worry about ...

Of course I love my wife ... and the children too ... yes we are happy and our marriage is very happy ... 

 

You don't understand auntie ... we've just bought an answering machine to answer the phone for us when we are out ... You must have seen the adverts on TV ... some modern phones have an in-built answering machine service ... and she has a woman's voice ...

Yes ... I can assure you we are very happily married and have a very healthy marriage relationship ... yes ... healthy in every respect ...

 

Well ... apart from your sister ...

Sorry ... perhaps I shouldn't have said that ... your sister ... my mother-in-law ... well she worries too much ... a bit like you really ...  Only with her living so close to us she is here worrying all the time ... I wish she was more like you aunt Elma ... worrying from afar!

Well ... you know what she's like ... always finding fault and suggesting things we don't need suggesting at ... 

Like I drink too much ... I only have a can or a bottle of Guinness a day ... or every other day ... apparently that is too much. I should have half the bottle and leave the rest to go flat and tasteless for a day or two ... 

I know she means well ... but perhaps she means too much too well ... she should hold back a little. 

 

Always suggesting things we should do better ... like the kind of toilet disinfectant we should use ... we are happy with the brand we are using ... It kills 99.99% of all household germs leaving the rest a chance to survive and breed again so we buy more disinfectant ...

Yes of course I love my mother-in-law ... yes I know Jesus said we should love everybody ... but He did not have my family did He?

Sorry ... I did not mean that ... it was a joke ... an aside joke I made to myself. No ... I was not taking the Lord's name in vain ... yes, I'll confess it to Father Barnaby if I must. I'll ask him first if it is worth confessing.

Of course I go to confession regularly ... I can't remember the last time I went ... Father Smithson was the priest then ... twenty years ago? Is it that long? Doesn't time fly when you're enjoying yourself and not confessing it ...

Sorry auntie ... another joke. No I am not being facetious. Or flippant. Yes I am still a Christian ... yes I love the Good Lord ... I am not a heathen, aunt Elma ... aunt Elma ... stop crying ... aunt Elma ...

Don't be upset aunt Elma ... yes ... I'll speak to uncle Jim ... he'll put me right ... yes ...

(Pause)

Hello uncle Jim ... yes I'm keeping well ... did you see the football match last night on TV? Didn't Henderson do well ... it was a good match ... Saunders is settling in and playing well too ... ... ... 

She's phoning again ...

 

 

Phone rings. Telephone-answering machine. Female voice.

 

Your call cannot be taken at the moment. Please leave your name and number after the tone. BEEEP ...

Hello ... it is aunt Elma again ... are you still there? I phoned Vic yesterday and you answered the phone ... what are you doing in his house? Just because his wife and children have gone to London for a few days, you have no business being there. I bet you never told him I rang ... you're a hooor ... that's what you are ... a street-walker ... leave him alone ...

Jim ... Jim ... answer me you daft bat ... I'm calling you ... I phoned Vic again and he's got this woman with him ... she's answered the phone again ... she's keeping quiet now ... but she's listening all right ...

Come here Jim ... speak to her and give her a piece of my mind ...

What do you mean you don't want to? Of course I'm not interfering ... it is my duty to tell her she is a hooor ... she should not be there at all ...

Can you hear me you brazen hussy? Yes you ... I am talking to you ... I know you're pretending not to hear me ...

Leave Vic alone ... he's a nice little boy ... I have known him ever since he was a baby ... I used to change his diapers when they visited us here in Glasgow ... nice family they are ... all of them ... 

Leave him alone you family breaker ... with your posh fancy voice saying you can't take my calls ... who do you think you are you common hooor ...

What are you doing there in his house anyway? ... Don't tell me ... don't tell me ... I can only imagine ... Heaven help us ... oh the vision of it all on my mind ... it will be with me for ever ... 

He always had a weakness for dumb blondes, Vic did ... I bet you're a dumb blonde with large bosoms and red lipsticks ... Oh I feel so weak just thinking about it ... you and Vic together.

Jim ... Jim ... come here I tell you ... come here or you'll regret it for the rest of your days ... which will not be many I promise you ...

Tell her ... tell her Jim to leave our Vic alone ... what is she doing there answering his phone?

TELL HER or I'll hit you with this phone ...

(Pause)

Hello Miss ... this is Jim ... Vic calls me uncle Jim ... I am aunt Elma's husband ... she is very worried about Vic you know ...

She phoned him yesterday and you answered the phone ... she's been up all night worrying about it ... 

She kept me up as well ... she asked me to worry with her ... we both worried all night although I am not sure what we're supposed to worry about ...

Tell me there is nothing to worry about so I can get a good night's sleep ... tell me ...

(Pause)

OK ... if you can't tell me ... at least tell Vic to phone us soon ... thank you dear ...

Elma ... Elma ... stop crying ... I told her to get Vic to phone us soon!