Love Letters

 

I don't know if you ever sent love letters. And whether, if you did, did you keep copies of the letters you sent to your sweetheart? Did you have access to a photocopier or printer, or did you use carbon paper which people used years ago to make copies of letters and documents?

Anyway, years ago I kept carbon paper copies of the hand-written letters I sent to my various girl-friends. I'd forgotten about them, but I found them in an old shoebox the other day when I was looking for a box big enough to bury our hamster in. As it happens, he was not dead. By the time I put him in the box he opened his eyes and twitched. Apparently he was a little lethargic because he saw an episode of Downton Abbey on TV. Anyway, he was now better and saved from a premature burial.

Back to the letters. They were a bit faded but you could still read some of the words faintly. Here are a few of them.

This letter was written to Helena to tell her that I wanted to break up our relationship.

Dear Helena,

This is the most difficult letter I have had to write. So let me make it easy and let you work out what I want to say.

Bye.

Vic M

This letter is to Erica. For some unknown reason she broke up with me.

Dear Erica,

I cannot understand why you have stopped contacting me and do not answer my phone calls. I have said a million times that I am sorry to have dropped the anvil on your foot. I was practicing at being the strongest man and could hold it no longer when you tickled me.

I am heartbroken at our breakup; although I would guess you are toe-broken as a result. 

I hope your toe gets better soon. Does it hurt?

Vic M

She never answered that letter and I did not see her again. She emigrated to Australia soon afterwards.

This letter was written to Marjorie. 

Dearest Marjorie,

I am so saddened and in despair at the lack of seeing you and being with you. I write once more whilst on my bended knees to ask for your forgiveness. 

I am so so sorry that whilst massaging your dog my wristwatch got caught in his hair and he jolted and bit your nose. How was I to know he'd be so frisky. And to be fair, you were holding him rather close to your face at the time. So in my estimation, the blame should be shared equally between us for the unfortunate accident which led to you going to hospital to have some stitches in your nose. I hope it heals up soon and your nose would be as beautiful and as kissable as ever it was. Do not believe the doctor about the scars that will be there as a result. What do doctors know anyway?

I am sorry too about the various injections you had in your bottom at the hospital to prevent any possible infections. Life is full of surprises. We never know when we'll be showing our backside to complete strangers.

How was I to know you would get an adverse reaction to the injection? You can hardly hold me responsible for that.

Oh ... and about the door ... I did not know you were standing behind the door when I opened it. So fortunate we were at the hospital at the time and you got treated in the Emergency Room. Hope your eye is better soon.

Despite the pain we have shared together, and my broken wristwatch strap, I sincerely hope we can get back together again.

How is Fifi your dog?

Love and kisses,

Vic M

She did not reply to the letter although we had several correspondences from her lawyers. 

I also had a girl-friend called Michelle. She was French. This is what I wrote.

Mon petit choux Michelle.

You are so beautiful Michelle ma belle. These are words that go together well. I love you I love you I love you.  

Michelle ma belle. Sont des mots qui vont tres bien ensemble. Tres bien ensemble.

I would like to serenade you like Maurice Chevalier, like Charles Aznavour, like Sacha Distel ... like Edith Piaf. These words by The Beatles were written for you, ma belle.

I am so very sorry that when we were in lovely Paris together I accidentally tripped you up and you fell in the river. I am also sorry that I did not jump in to help you out because the water was too cold.

You must have thought I was insane at the time; although strictly speaking it was you who was in Seine at the time.

I'm also sorry at this puny joke I made as Claude jumped in and got you out of the water.

How is Claude these days? I hope you two are happy together. I shall always miss you.

Adieu.

Victor.

Claude was a passer-by who jumped in the river and got Michelle out. They are now married and have three children.

Love Letters

Say it with flowers

And chocolates too

Say it with jewellery

Or a good meal for two

Say it from the heart

Say what you think

But never be careless

And say it with ink

I was tidying up some old papers the other day and I came across this poem which I had written many years ago. I wish I had taken my own advice, because in the same box I also found some love letters which I had penned when I was young and foolish.

Here is one such letter:

My dear darling beautiful Sonia,

I know we have only known each other for five days, twenty hours and 43 minutes, but ever since I laid eyes on you, standing there in your dirty overalls as you left the gas works, I knew you were the one for me. As the dust settled as they demolished the old buildings to make room for the new sewerage farm I saw in you an apparition of splendour as my heart missed a beat or more.

I immediately fell in love with you.

Do you believe in love at first sight, despite the dust and dirt of demolished buildings and people spluttering and coughing to clear their lungs?

Well, that was me my darling. I fell head over heels for you because I missed a step as I walked towards you.

I'll never forget you beside me at the hospital as they bandaged my leg and injected several shots of medicine in my backside. 

That was a vision neither of us will ever forget. I had planned to have your name tattooed  just where they injected me as a memento of my ever lasting love for you.

Butt now ...
   
Not that I am complaining my sweet, but it has not escaped my notice that in the last three days you have ignored 43 phone calls from me. I called at your work and all I found there was a wrecking ball tearing into my heart. I called at your home and found that it is a closed down tanning salon. So in desperation I am writing you this letter, yet I do not know where to post it so it reaches you my dear. 

Unlike Elvis, it cannot be returned to sender since it has not yet been sent.

I wish I knew why you are avoiding me. 

You always said, "the best things in life are free". So is it because I gave you some flowers I picked up from a grave in the cemetery? Is that it? Is that why you left me?

Needless to say, she did not reply because I did not send the letter since I did not know where to send it.

Here's another letter written to another girl-friend:

Dear Darling Murgatroyd,

Why oh why do you keep me waiting so? As agreed, last Friday night I waited for you at the pet cemetery, just by the grave of the Alsatian shepherd as we discussed, and you did not turn up. It was cold and damp, yet I waited for you as the rain soaked me to the skin. Because inside of me my heart was crying and yearning for you. But you did not turn up.

At about half-past-midnight some people dressed in odd looking costumes turned up at the cemetery. I think they were preparing for some ritual of sorts. I hid behind a large tombstone and in my panic I thought I heard your voice. Were you with them my beloved?

Then fear turned to terror as I heard them chanting. I cried a little as tears trickled down my legs. Then as I ran away I fell into an open grave. 

I awoke the next morning almost chocking as the grave filled with water from the continuous rain.

I really am truly sorry for running over your beloved cat with my motorcycle. In my defence, it was lying there in the middle of the road and I thought it was already dead. I did offer to have it stuffed by a taxidermist friend I met at college; despite the tread marks from the wheels all over its body. But you refused. By way of reparation, my dear, and so that you may have a pet to remember me by, I enclose in this box a baby rat which another friend of mine captured in the restaurant where he works as cook and waiter. It will also remind you of the times we spent there together sharing lentil soup and other vegetarian delicacies.

Please tell me you love me and I'll be at your feet in no time at all. 

Yours now and for eternity.

This letter was returned by Murgatroyd accompanied by a threatening letter from her solicitors telling me that as far as she and they are concerned there is no eternity. If I contacted her again they would take action against me. They also threatened to report me to the Animal Protection people for sending her a rat which, by the time she received the letter and package, was already dead.

Finally, here is another letter I found in my box of souvenirs:

Dear Mr Sorebottom,

Please excuse my bad handwriting since this letter is written left-handed. My right hand being bandaged heavily as a result of my fall from your bedroom window. 

I say your bedroom window, although in all truthfulness it is the window to your daughter's bedroom, as you well know when you chased me down the street with a spade in hand, followed by your wife, Mrs Sorebottom, in her negligent and carrying a gardening fork threateningly.

I would like to explain the reason why I was in your daughter's bedroom, having entered and left by the said window ...

This letter continues on another sheet of paper. The first page was returned to me by the Sorebottoms' solicitors also threatening all sorts of bad things if I contacted their daughter ever again. As I recall, at the time I worked for a pizza restaurant specialising in delivering "surprise pizzas" to people at any time and at any place.