Reality

 

Do you remember in the film "A Few Good Men" Jack Nicholson shouted, "You can't handle the truth?" 

And in the Bible, Pilate is supposed to have asked, "What is truth?"

I often wonder what is truth, or to be precise, what is reality and what is a figment of our imagination. What if, for instance, you did not really exist? What if you were a character in a book being read by a Teddy Bear? Have you ever thought of this? I haven't; until I wrote it down just now.

The other day on TV they were talking about the weather. Someone said that in some place or other it was the warmest winter since records began.

Now I wonder, when exactly did records begin? Did it happen sometime in the past when someone picked up a piece of paper and wrote "It is hot today! Records have begun"?

Did he on the next day write "It is hotter today. This is the hottest it's been since records began yesterday"?

People are claiming that the weather is getting warmer year on year. I believe scientists call this global warming. There are all sorts of different theories at what is making the climate generally warmer. 

I think it's because of candles. Can you imagine how many candles are lit at any one time in the world? In churches, in restaurants, at romantic dinner tables, in the bathroom - I mean; very dangerous in the bathroom if you happen to singe your hair. On birthday cakes too! All these candles are contributing to global warming.

That and cows breaking wind. It seems that all the gases coming out of cows float up to the sky and make a hole in the sky through which the warmth of the earth escapes and the sun rays get in through the hole in the sky and makes us warm again. 

By the way, did you know that kangaroos don't fart? Their digestive systems don't have the enzymes needed to cause farting like in cows and humans. No wonder they hop around so much. So don't blame global warming on kangaroos! 

Because of the warm winter this year our tortoise woke up early and got out of its hibernation. So I put it in the fridge. The next day I found out it ate all our lettuce. As soon as I opened the fridge it rushed out in the garden to go to the toilet. 

Apparently, the same thing happened at the local zoo. All the hibernating animals such as lemurs, squirrels, mice and other rodents woke up from hibernation because the weather has been so warm lately. But they did not put them in the fridge because it was full of bears hibernating.

Tortoises and snails are very slow aren't they. Did you know that if a snail climbed up your leg it would be at least two days before you said  "OOOH !!! What a surprise!"

I'm convinced what the world needs now is more experts. Whenever there's some bad news on TV, an economic problem somewhere, a medical situation that needs resolving, some difficult political situation, or whatever else you might see on the news - it's the lack of experts that holds us back from finding a solution. Where are all the experts on every conceivable subject when you need them? Why can't they explain why it is getting warmer these days?

If we had more experts then we could all go to sleep happily at night knowing that all is well with the world and any global warming that may or may not exist can always be blamed on someone else and not you. Personally, I find the best way to combat global warming is by keeping our fridge door open.

DISCLAIMER - No animals or humans have been harmed in the writing of this Blog. No cow or kangaroo have been forbidden from emitting any bodily gases, nor have any tortoises, lemurs, squirrels, mice or rodents and bears been put in fridges. Nor snails been made to climb up peoples'  legs. Nevertheless, please continue to write in with your comments. I like receiving your mail and answering each one personally ... personally ... personally ... (The AI machine has gone wrong again!).

Nonsense Reality

 

We read so much on social media, in papers and magazines, and we see or hear on TV and radio, and we cannot make out what is real and what is truth.
 

What is truth? asked Pilate. You can't handle the truth, said Jack Nicholson. Well, obviously neither of them have read this Blog otherwise they would be just as confused as me as to what is real, what is nonsense and what is truth.

For example, I visited a pencil museum some weeks ago and they had an exhibit entitled "William Shakespeare's Pencil." It was marked on the side "2B or not 2B".

Now I don't know whether this is realistic or not. I remember reading that the Old Bard used quills to write with. He took feathers from geese or swans, sharpened them, and then used them to press the keys on his computer keyboard.

He used a small knife to sharpen the end of the quill into a pen. Hence the word penknife.

In another museum I saw two skulls; a large one and a much smaller one. The large one had a notice saying "Galileo's skull". The smaller one had a notice saying, "Galileo as a child". Could this be true? How did they find both skulls over a period of time as Galileo grew up?

Whilst standing in the library next to the Geographical Section, I picked up a book and started reading it. After ten minutes a man approached me and said, "Do you realise that all the time you've been standing here over 100,000 trees in the rainforests have been cut down?"

So I moved somewhere else. I don't want to be responsible for cutting down the rainforests.

I sat at a table and continued reading. Another man next to me said, "Amazing statistics ... do you realise that every time I breath in and out someone in the world dies?" I suggested he uses a better mouthwash.

Just to check, I picked up a newspaper to count how many people are in the obituaries. Amazing how people always die in alphabetical order.

These days it is difficult to work out what is true and what is not any more. Another example, I was reading the ingredients on the wrapper of a bar of chocolate. It said, "Suitable for vegetarians - contains beef and lamb juices".

And then there is this ...

I don't know whether to believe this; I read in the press that there is a new computer program for husbands to interact with a virtual wife in various circumstances; like where to go on holiday, where to school the children, and other family scenarios so that the husband can practice loving and considerate behaviour. Can you imagine? Being told off and nagged by two wives? I wonder if the program also has two mothers-in-law?

DO NOT PRESS BELOW