Bedroom Activities

 

I have researched these facts myself, so pay attention as these are important.

Did you know that you are more likely to have nightmares if you sleep on your left side? If you sleep on the right side not so much so. You may or may not dream but your position does not affect your dream patterns. 

It is said that dreams (REM dreams - meaning rapid eye movements) last only a few seconds. That is not true. I once dreamt that I baked a pizza and it took longer than a few seconds. Making a proper dough takes ages.

If you sleep on your back you are likely to have your mouth open and swallow a spider. At least 38% of the population have swallowed at least one spider in their lifetime. So the chances are you swallowed a spider. Spiders are attracted by the noise you make when sleeping with your mouth open.

Speaking of which, when we first got married and we lived in an apartment in London, the neighbours complained about the noise emanating from our bedroom. I blamed my wife. She always snores so loud!

I remember as newly wed, we were given as a wedding present a night-light that switches on and off by the sound of you tapping your hands. Every time I broke wind in the night the lights went on. It was like living in a lighthouse.

If you sew a potato on the back of your pyjama top it stops you sleeping on your back and snoring. I tried a packet of French Fries in case I get hungry in the night.

If you sleep in a North/South position in relation to a compass you are more likely to have a disturbed night than if you sleep in an East/West direction. This is because the earth goes round from West to East at over 1000 miles an hour. As you sleep in North/South, at that high speed, the wind will enter one ear and out of the other thus keeping you awake.

Many people feel that sleeping like a bat, upside down hanging from a hammock, is good for them. I tried this and fell hurting my head on the hard floor.

I once changed our bed and bought a trampoline instead. My wife hit the roof.

The type of bed you sleep on is very important. Did you know for example that 23% of babies in the UK are conceived in an IKEA bed? Which is surprising considering those shops are normally well lit.

Never have a telephone in your bedroom as it can be somewhat annoying. I was once awakened by a neighbour in the middle of the night when she phoned to say that my horse was in her garden. I was half-asleep and just mumbled, "Sorry!"

The next morning I realised that I do not have a horse. So I waited until the same time in the middle of the night and I phoned her to say, "I have no horse!"

She said, "Don't worry, it was a nightmare!"

Getting ready for bed is important for a good night's sleep. Some people like sleeping wearing nothing at all. This is acceptable, but don't keep your socks on. This will never do.

People sometimes wake up during the night to go to the bathroom and then check the time before going to bed. This can be problematic if you have one of those digital clocks with very bright red numerals that light up the whole room. An alternative is to open the window and beat a drum as loudly as you can. Someone is bound to say, "Who's making all that noise at 3 in the morning?"

I once went to a psychiatrist to discuss some marital problem. He said, his wife was a psychiatrist too, and he suggested that he and his wife, and I and mine, meet up to discuss everything intimately together. I turned him down because I did not think it was appropriate having the four of us in bed together. 

Eventually I discussed the problem with a friend. My wife at the time was afraid of monsters under the bed. My friend advised I cut the legs of the bed and all was well after that. Cheaper than the psyciatrists too.

Are there such things as dwarf monsters?

What do you do in bed?

We cannot go long without sleeping. If you deprive yourself of sleep for up to 18 hours the body would react as if you're drunk. So for a short cut just have yourself a drink or more and then go to sleep.

Scientists have yet to discover why we sleep. Some believe that the body re-generates whilst we're asleep, but this is not proven conclusively. Some people in fact have been known to degenerate whilst in bed but the least said about this the better.

Scientists have proved however that we actually use up energy whilst we're asleep. We in fact use up enough calories equivalent to a small bar of chocolate. So you can have a bar of chocolate for breakfast every morning and you've made up your weight loss.

Also, it is estimated that up to 70% of us have actually eaten at least one spider in our lifetime whilst asleep in bed. Yes ... we sleep with our mouths open and that attracts spiders apparently who attempt to build a web on the mouth opening and fall in. I read this on the web; so it must be true.

Usually when we're asleep we have to wake up in the night to go to the bathroom. No one knows why we do this; because more often than not we do not have a full tank to be emptied anyway. It seems to be just an annoyance to wake us up so that we can annoy our partners by making a noise whilst we go to the bathroom and flush the toilet.

Speaking of which, it is not clear what is the etiquette when you are a visitor in someone's house. Do you flush the toilet in the middle of the night or not? Risking waking up the entire family?

What if it is a Number 2? Do you flush the toilet then or not?

What if your hosts wake up and go to the bathroom and find your deposit there un-flushed? You can hardly deny it is yours? Normally you do not put a tag on it with your name on - or do you? What is the normal thing to do in these circumstances?

Animals and birds need sleep too, you know. Some of them wake up in the night to go to the bathroom too. The bat is so lazy it does it whilst hanging upside down from a tree and then wonders what's in its eye!

Fish go to sleep with their eyes open because they have no eyelids. That's why they get water in their eyes and can't blink it out. Despite having their eyes open all the time they still get caught and put in tins of sardines or made into fish sticks. How stupid can they get?

It is also a well known fact that some people walk in their sleep. Yep ... they get up in the night and walk in their sleep. This can be particularly frightening to your pets if you sleep naked.

A friend of mine even swims in his sleep. He gets up at night and goes out in the garden for a swim. Unfortunately he does not have a swimming pool so he lies on the ground and flaps his arms and legs like a fish out of water. In the morning he wonders why he has mud all over his pyjamas.

When I was young I used to walk the plank. We did not have a dog at the time!

I even know someone who walks in his sleep and goes downstairs and writes himself threatening letters which he then goes out to post in the post box nearby. The next morning he gets upset at receiving the threatening letters.

He went to the police with the letters. They all said the same thing: "If you don't stop sleeping with my wife I'll sort you out good and proper!"

The police told him to stop sleeping with the man's wife. He said, "Can't you see? None of the letters are signed!"

Most of us dream whilst we're asleep. Good dreams ... bad dreams ... not so good dreams.

I remember when in London my neighbour rang me in the middle of the night complaining that my horse was in her garden. I was half-asleep so I apologised.

The next morning I realised that I had no horse. So I went round and told her so. She said it was a nightmare!

As a side line ... I always take my wife morning tea in my pyjamas. Is she grateful? No! She says she'd rather have it in a cup.

I don't always remember my dreams. But once I dreamt I was in a marshmallows factory. The next morning I discovered I had eaten half the pillow.

Some people take their pets with them in bed to sleep. I once took our rabbits to bed with me. By the morning I had a litter of about two dozen hopping all over the place.

It is often suggested that if you can't sleep you should count sheep. I used to do that. But now with all the importance given to Health and Safety I just lie there in bed considering safety risk assessments. Are the sheep safely tucked away in their pens? Has the gate been left open? Are they safe from predators? Have they had their health checks by the vet?

I saw an advert the other day that a memory mattress is the best modern invention to help you sleep well. I bought a memory mattress and now it is trying to blackmail me.

I talked to my psychiatrist about my lack of sleep. He reminded me that he was a psychiatrist, and that his wife was a psychiatrist too. He suggested a group therapy session with him and his wife, with me and mine.

I thought about it. To be honest, I am rather uncomfortable having him and his wife in bed with me and my wife. What kind of therapy is that? And will the bed be big enough?

That will give the memory mattress something to talk about!