Did you know that you are more likely to have nightmares if you sleep on your left side? If you sleep on the right side not so much so. You may or may not dream but your position does not affect your dream patterns.
It is said that dreams (REM dreams - meaning rapid eye movements) last only a few seconds. That is not true. I once dreamt that I baked a pizza and it took longer than a few seconds. Making a proper dough takes ages.
If you sleep on your back you are likely to have your mouth open and swallow a spider. At least 38% of the population have swallowed at least one spider in their lifetime. So the chances are you swallowed a spider. Spiders are attracted by the noise you make when sleeping with your mouth open.
Speaking of which, when we first got married and we lived in an apartment in London, the neighbours complained about the noise emanating from our bedroom. I blamed my wife. She always snores so loud!
I remember as newly wed, we were given as a wedding present a night-light that switches on and off by the sound of you tapping your hands. Every time I broke wind in the night the lights went on. It was like living in a lighthouse.
If you sew a potato on the back of your pyjama top it stops you sleeping on your back and snoring. I tried a packet of French Fries in case I get hungry in the night.
If you sleep in a North/South position in relation to a compass you are more likely to have a disturbed night than if you sleep in an East/West direction. This is because the earth goes round from West to East at over 1000 miles an hour. As you sleep in North/South, at that high speed, the wind will enter one ear and out of the other thus keeping you awake.
Many people feel that sleeping like a bat, upside down hanging from a hammock, is good for them. I tried this and fell hurting my head on the hard floor.
I once changed our bed and bought a trampoline instead. My wife hit the roof.
The type of bed you sleep on is very important. Did you know for example that 23% of babies in the UK are conceived in an IKEA bed? Which is surprising considering those shops are normally well lit.
Never have a telephone in your bedroom as it can be somewhat annoying. I was once awakened by a neighbour in the middle of the night when she phoned to say that my horse was in her garden. I was half-asleep and just mumbled, "Sorry!"
The next morning I realised that I do not have a horse. So I waited until the same time in the middle of the night and I phoned her to say, "I have no horse!"
She said, "Don't worry, it was a nightmare!"
Getting ready for bed is important for a good night's sleep. Some people like sleeping wearing nothing at all. This is acceptable, but don't keep your socks on. This will never do.
People sometimes wake up during the night to go to the bathroom and then check the time before going to bed. This can be problematic if you have one of those digital clocks with very bright red numerals that light up the whole room. An alternative is to open the window and beat a drum as loudly as you can. Someone is bound to say, "Who's making all that noise at 3 in the morning?"
I once went to a psychiatrist to discuss some marital problem. He said, his wife was a psychiatrist too, and he suggested that he and his wife, and I and mine, meet up to discuss everything intimately together. I turned him down because I did not think it was appropriate having the four of us in bed together.
Eventually I discussed the problem with a friend. My wife at the time was afraid of monsters under the bed. My friend advised I cut the legs of the bed and all was well after that. Cheaper than the psyciatrists too.
Are there such things as dwarf monsters?