There was a woman in my bed

 

It was late in the evening when I entered my hotel room. It had been a long day at work with one meeting following another, and then I had to attend a Conference where they discussed ways to extrapolate sales and costs figures against profits in order to estimate how many paper clips we’ll need five years from now. It was so exhilarating that I could not sleep at all throughout the Conference.

Anyway, I got to my hotel room late and got myself in by using one of those electronic cards you put in a slot and the door opens. I did not bother to switch all lights on. A small light shone from a nearby table-lamp and this was enough. I intended to fall into bed and dream of better days.

As I took my jacket off a man got out of the en-suite bathroom in his pajamas. Why he had an en-suite bathroom in his pajamas I do not know. Maybe he was rich and could afford an en-suite bathroom in his pajamas; whilst the rest of us have to be content with an elastic band or a cord to keep our pajama pants up.

I don’t know what nationality he was, but as soon as he saw me the man said: “Qui êtes-vous? Que faites-vous ici?”

I know exactly what he said because I remember writing it down at the time. I then took out a dictionary to translate but could not understand a word. It was an Italian dictionary.

The man shouted at me and beckoned me to get out of my room. At which point an enormously rotund woman got up from my bed and she too started shouting at me “Allez-vous en!  Allez-vous en!” and waving her hands in the air. 

I wrote that down too but could not find a translation in my Italian dictionary.

I picked up my jacket and as I turned to get out I accidentally knocked a large wicker basket which was on the table beside me. The top of the basket opened and a flock of pigeons came flying out into the room. They flew everywhere, trying to land on something high up. Luckily the bedroom door was shut and they eventually settled on the wardrobe, hanged from the chandelier, (it was a posh hotel), and one settled on the man’s head.

There was cooing and flapping of wings everywhere. A few feathers floated in the air before settling to the ground. The pigeons did what most animals do when frightened and started leaving deposits everywhere. Including on the man’s head.

I was totally stunned by what had just happened and stood perfectly still. The rotund woman picked up the phone on the bedside table and started shouting in broken English “pee john pee john …”

Moments later a hotel porter entered the room and disturbed all the pigeons which started flying all over again and dropping deposits all over the place.

We waited until they had settled down and then he asked me “Why do you have pigeons in your room, Sir? Pets are not allowed in this hotel!”

I was astounded that he asked me about the pigeons and had totally ignored the fact that I also had a rotund woman in my bed and a man with an en-suite bathroom in his pajamas.

He asked for my electronic card which he tested on the door. It worked. He then took the man’s electronic card. It worked too.

You guessed it. It was a double booking and we’d both been given the same cards.

I picked up my luggage and was moved to another room.

By now you may be asking why there were pigeons in a wicker basket in my room.

Simple.

I was told the man was a magician and he used the pigeons in his act by making them appear and disappear out of a hat. Apparently his wife, whilst younger and less rotund, was a stripper and she too used the pigeons in her act. For an encore the pigeons used to take their feathers off! 

NOTE 

This was an excerpt from my memoirs "AS I QUOTE MYSELF". A book full of misadventures and mishaps to make you laugh out loud, or at least to smile.

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It happened like this

Well Judge ... your honour. It happened like this.

It was Saturday and I was helping out at my friend's Pete's Garage. He runs a small garage in Acacia Avenue, do you know it? Where he fixes cars and does maintenance and so on. The garage has a sign in bright red. It says "Pete's Garage" on it.

I am not a mechanic, your honour. I was helping him in the office. Answering the phone, filing papers, counting paper clips, doing some reception work and so on. Meeting customers as well. The people who come in to have their cars fixed.

Unbeknown to me ... that is ... I did not know anything about it your honour. One of Pete's employees, Tobias is his name. Well he came to work late and he was totally and utterly drunk. No way could you say he was as sober as a judge, your honour. Certainly not as sober as you are right now.

As it happens, Tobias had been out at a party the night before. That is Friday night; this being Saturday. I know it is not Saturday right now, but it was Saturday when all this happened.

As I was saying, Tobias was totally drunk. Drunk as a skunk ... he was. Really drunk as hell, if you pardon the expression, your honour. May the Good Lord forgive me.

He did not know the time of day ... that's the drunk Tobias, not the Good Lord. The Good Lord always knows the time of day.

Tobias did not know the time of day even though he was wearing a watch at the time. He did not even know what planet he was on, even though his colleagues asked him what on earth he was doing getting drunk. I tell you, your honour, he did not even know his elbow from another part of his anatomy, even though each bit of his body is labelled by a tattoo.

Anyway, his colleagues and friends, Matthias and Gareth, being loyal to Tobias, did not want Pete, their boss, to find out because he would fire Tobias. They suggested he hides and sleeps it off before Pete gets back to the garage from delivering a car. But there was nowhere to hide him to get some sleep.

Then they realised that there was a hearse in the garage which had come in for a simple job to be done. Engine needed a change of oil. So they laid Tobias down on the flat bit at the back of the hearse, you know ... where they put the coffin, and they covered him up with a piece of cloth. There was no coffin in the hearse at the time, your honour.

As I said, all this happened unbeknown to me, and to Pete, because he was out on delivery.

Later that afternoon, Pete asked me if I wouldn't mind delivering the hearse to Doug M Deep and Reego Mortice, the Funeral Directors. This is because Pete was short-handed especially since everyone was busy and Tobias had not turned up for work. He had really, but he was asleep at the back of the hearse, unbeknown to Pete and me on account that we did not know about it.

Well ... as I was driving the hearse, Tobias at the back woke up ... I got such a fright and turned sharply left and ran over your cat, you honour, and landed the hearse in your duck pond disturbing a mother duck which was nesting at the time.

It was not me who was driving under the influence of drink. It was Tobias waking up from under the influence of drink.

When the police came they obviously mixed me up with Tobias by mistake and said I was driving under the influence of drink. But I assure you not a drop passed my lips that day, although several drops ran down my legs when it all happened.

I am sorry about the loss of your cat Pancake who was flattened with him being run over by the hearse. I did offer at the time to drive him to Doug M Deep and Reego Mortice, the Funeral Directors, but your wife who came out of the house on hearing the commotion said a few words which I would rather not repeat here in Court you honour.

I am also sorry for all the broken duck eggs which were in the nest at the time. I did offer to buy some more eggs from the supermarket but your wife said a few more words which I would rather not repeat to you.

I think she was upset.

So you see ... your honour, it was not me who caused the accident, but it was Tobias who caused it by waking up from what I thought he was dead, even though I did not know that he was at the back of the hearse at the time, whether dead or alive, but in fact asleep because of him having been drinking excessively the night before. Which was Friday.

And this is how I plead, your honour.

I wish to add that I did offer at the time to replace the dead cat; and your wife did say that she did not want me around the **** house purring all day and filling the litter tray with my unmentionables.

This is an excerpt from my book 

MUCH ADO ABOUT LAUGHTER

I laughed so much writing it that I wrote it sitting down.

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Keep it under my hat

The rules in our office are quite clear and strict. We should not bring any pets to work.

Why is it then that some people insist on “bending the rules” when in reality they are outright breaking them and risking severe disciplinary action; if not being fired from the job altogether.

For example someone brought a kitten in one of those carrying cases because the creature was not too well and its owner was on her way to the vet after work. Admittedly, the cat did not leave the carrying case or cage at any time, and was only in the office for a couple of hours, having been collected from home at lunch time. But if the boss had come in I’m sure that person would have been reprimanded or probably lost her job; especially since the boss is allergic to cats.

What if I had a hippopotamus as a pet, or a crocodile? Would it be OK for me to bring them to work on my way to the vet?

You think I’m exaggerating don’t you? Well, I’m not.

Last week someone brought in a chameleon or lizard type creature. I don’t know what it was. All I know is it was about three inches long and it was ugly; even though it was supposed to be a baby of the species.

Apparently some colleagues had been talking about unusual pets a few days earlier and one of them decided to bring this reptile to show the others. The animal was brought to work in a shoe box and taken out to show everyone. It jumped out of the owner’s hand and ran on the large conference table where we were supposed to have a meeting.

Yes … you’ve guessed it. The boss came to the meeting a few minutes earlier than expected.

Everyone panicked and froze … except Joe. He’s a quick thinker and a bit too clever for comfort.

He quickly grabbed my hat from the coat stand … yes, my expensive cowboy type hat with the long feather on the side … I call it a plume, not a feather … more stylish!

Anyway, Joe picked up my hat and as quick as a flash put it on the lizard trapping him underneath.

Everyone kept a straight face … or tried to. I noticed one or two badly concealed smirks and one person was literally going red in the face trying to hold back a guffaw of laughter as well as nature’s release mechanism.

I was furious of course. My expensive hat used as a cage and a subject of subterfuge. Can you imagine that? And it’s silk lined on the inside. I dread to think what that wretched creature is doing under there.

I said nothing of course. I could hardly risk someone else losing their job; even though my precious hat was the real victim here.

I sat at the place nearest to the hat and we all started the meeting.

The boss sat at the far end and did not seem to notice even though once or twice the hat moved on the table all on its own.

This led to the person nearest me to laugh quietly and then stifle a sneeze.

The boss said “Bless you” and for some stupid reason I replied “Thank you!”

Why do I do silly things like that? What possessed me to say “Thank you”?

Luckily the boss did not notice who had sneezed.

At the end of the meeting my boss suggested he and I visit one of our suppliers who is only half a mile away from our office.

I put on my coat and followed him when he said: “Put on your hat … it’s a little cold out there and we’re walking!”

Everyone froze again and fixed their eyes on my hat on the table.

I had to think and act quickly … very difficult when you can’t multi-task!

I picked up the hat in a scooping motion and put it on my head.

You should have seen everyone’s face when they saw nothing on the table where the hat once was. I was proud of myself and my magical sleight of hand.

My quick triumph quickly faded as I felt the lizard grappling tightly at my hair. I kept a straight face and left the room hurriedly after my boss.

On our way there, as we walked down the street, the silly creature tried to escape once or twice by raising my hat off my head. The boss didn’t see it, but a passerby thought I was saluting him by lifting my hat and he did the same with his.

I pushed the hat further down my head so that the brim was almost at eye level. That should trap him solid … I thought.

In response the vindictive reptile started pulling at my hair struggling to get out. The pain was agonizing but I could hardly do anything about it. How could I possibly explain the situation to my boss if he found out what’s under my hat?

He would hardly take me seriously after such an incident.

We walked side by side with him doing most of the talking about some budgetary situation or other and me making un-intelligent noises more as a response to pain than contribution to the discussion. At one point as I grunted he said “Well … I’m glad you agree with this. Perhaps you can go ahead and implement it.” I had no idea what I had agreed to.

As we approached the suppliers’ premises I felt a wet feeling under my hat as no doubt the lizard decided on a new plan of attack in order to get free.

We entered the building and a young lady offered to take my coat and hat. I gave her my coat and decided to crumple my hat and its content quickly into my briefcase.

She noticed my head and hair were wet and I said “It’s been raining …” as I wiped it off with my handkerchief.

Why did I say such a stupid thing? Does it often rain under peoples’ hats where you come from?

After the meeting with the suppliers I left my boss, went to a coffee bar where I rang the reptile’s owner and asked him to meet me there and collect his pet.

I am now looking for a new hat. The silk lining in mine has been torn to shreds.

 

NOTE: This was an excerpt from the book "A CHUCKLE A DAY"

 

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And the moral is ...

 

Once upon a time there was a priest. After reading the Gospel at Sunday Mass he approached the lectern and said to the congregation, "You have heard today's Gospel. Now do you know what I am going to preach about?"

Expecting him to talk about the subject of the Gospel they replied "Yes!"

Then the priest said, "In that case there's no point in me preaching to you, is there?" And he continued with the Mass and gave no sermon. This annoyed some in the congregation who expected a sermon each Sunday to set them up for the week.

The following Sunday, again after reading the Gospel he approached the lectern and said, "You have heard today's Gospel. Now do you know what I am going to preach about?"

This time, without exception, they all said "No!"

The priest replied, "Neither do I", and continued with the Mass and no sermon.

The congregation were irritated and complained. Some wrote to the bishop.   

The following Sunday, again the priest asked, "You have heard today's Gospel. Now do you know what I am going to preach about?"

Some members of the congregation said "Yes!" and others said "No!" 

The priest responded, "Let those who know what I'll speak about tell those who do not know!" and he continued with Mass and no sermon.

This time, because of many complaints to the bishop, the bishop had no option but to call the priest in for a talk. 

Somewhat pensively the old priest explained that he could no longer remember what to say in his sermons, and even though he prepared sermons in writing, he often forgot to bring his written sermons to church, which meant he had no sermon to deliver.

The Bishop sympathized with the elderly colleague and said: “Here's something you could try. Next time you have to give a sermon say in a loud voice ‘I have an announcement to make!’

“This will ensure you have everyone’s attention. They will hang on to your every word.

“Then say just as loudly ‘I have fallen in love with a woman’.

“Now this will certainly have them all listening very carefully and remembering your every word.

“And then calmly tell them about the Virgin Mary, and all the good she did for us. It will be easy. Just speak from the heart of your love for Our Lady”.

The old priest was overjoyed and the following Sunday he stood proudly at the lectern and said loudly:

“I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE!”

And sure enough everyone sat up in their pews to listen very carefully. The old priest then continued just as loudly:

“THE BISHOP HAS FALLEN IN LOVE WITH A WOMAN …”

As the congregation stirred in their seats the old priest went on:

“I can’t for the life of me remember her name …”

 

AND THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS: No ... I'll let you decide on the moral. But first ...

 

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If you knew for certain ...

 

If you knew for certain that the world would end in three days' time; would you return the book you borrowed to the library or not bother?

And if you decide not to bother because of other more pressing things to do; then what are these things which take precedence? (Think hard about this).

And should you decide not to bother returning the book, do you realise that technically speaking this is stealing and you have broken one of the Ten Commandments? How would you explain this to Saint Peter?

And if you do return the book, would you tell the librarian that the world will end in a few days? Would you warn her? (Think hard about this also).

And if you decide not to tell the librarian, or anyone else; is that not being selfish and withholding salvation from someone else? How would you explain this to Saint Peter?

Is it not our duty and responsibility as Christians to tell everyone about eternal life and what they should do to get to Heaven?

I went to see a psychiatrist a few days ago. He was not well and we have to visit the sick, don't we?

I found him lying on his "medical couch" staring at the ceiling.

I sat beside him, picked up a pen and paper and casually said, "Tell me what's troubling you!"

He said, "If you knew for certain that the world would end in three days' time; would you return the book you borrowed to the library or not bother? ... ... ... ... ... "

 

 

CLAIM YOUR MONEY BACK HERE 

How about you?

 

Once upon a time there was a church with a devout and vibrant community who met regularly to pray and sing hymns together.

Then one day a night club opened next door. It served drinks in the bar, played music and had scantily dressed ladies entertaining the guests who also came to gamble at roulette and card games.

The church congregation were appalled and wanted the night club shut down. But there was no way they could do so legally. So they met as a Prayer Group and prayed, and prayed and prayed some more.   

One evening, during a terrible storm, a thunderbolt from Heaven hit the night club and it was burnt to a cinder. No one was hurt. But the club was no more.

The owner of the club took the church to Court and sued them for the damage. The whole congregation turned up in front of the Judge and said they were not responsible. It was just lightning in a storm which caused the fire. The owner of the club argued otherwise and wanted compensation.

Eventually, the Judge asked everyone to be quiet and said, "We have here a club landlord who believes in the power of prayer; and a whole Christian congregation which does not!"

 

FEATURING FATHER IGNATIUS  

 

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Christian Questions

 

Imagine one day you hear a voice saying, "Stop wars. Love one another as I have loved you!". You did not imagine it. You heard it clearly. You're about to go tell someone when your spouse comes in. "Have you heard that?" Now you know for sure that you did not imagine it.

Moments later you hear people talking outside. You go out of the house and you recognise your neighbours and a few other people. They heard it too. The voice was loud and clear and it came from above. Some think it was from a helicopter perhaps. Then someone looking at his cellphone says, "Hey ... it happened in another country too. My cousin just texted me!"

As the day goes on, the news soon spreads. It seems at the same time the message was heard all around the world. Every TV and radio station is reporting that each country heard the same message in their own language at the same time.

World leaders contact each other. Statements are issued by presidents, prime ministers, kings and other leaders from all round the globe. No one has an explanation as to what happened. Not even the Pope. Or any other religious leader.  

Have you ever wondered why does God not talk to us clearly and plainly as He did at the time of Moses and the prophets?  

INTRODUCING 

CHRISTIAN QUESTIONS (You wondered but did not ask.) 

ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 979-8246647646

Whether we are Christians or not we have all from time to time asked ourselves, or others, questions about Christianity. Sometimes these may have been answered to our satisfaction by someone we love and respect, whereas at other times the questions have remained unanswered completely or satisfactorily.

Questions like: Who actually is God? Does He look human? Why can’t He speak to us clearly and loudly so we can hear Him? Did Jesus really have to die for us to be forgiven? Why does God let bad things happen to us? Does He test us to see how we will react? What do Heaven and Hell look like? Would we go there for eternity? Do ghosts exist?

Whilst no one has the real definitive answers to these and so many other questions, this book attempts to offer an explanation which you could consider and ponder or meditate about; or perhaps discuss with your friends.

Written in an easy to follow style and without preaching, each question is tackled in a friendly manner leaving you to decide whether you agree; or if not, why not.

With 70 questions discussed here, (with Bible references where appropriate), you will certainly have a lot of food for thought to ponder over and debate with your friends, or your Bible Study Group, or as a discussion topic at Religious Instructions classes for young people.

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Three Facts for Stubborn Minds

 

FACT 1    Heaven exists. Why? Because Jesus said so.

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.” John 14:1-14

The alternative would be to call Jesus a liar.

FACT 2    God's invitation to Heaven is for everyone. It is a FREE invitation. We do not have to work to go to Heaven. We do not go to Heaven through our own good deeds or good words. All we have to do is believe in God, obey and love Him, and believe that Jesus is His only Son who died for us.

"Not everyone who calls me 'Lord, Lord' will enter the Kingdom of Heaven, but only those who do what my Father in Heaven wants them to do." Matthew 7:21.   

"I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." John 14:6

FACT 3     Some people do not believe in God. But they believe they are good people and eventually they'll get to Heaven. They wish they will get there some day.

This is faulty thinking. Heaven is not a world-class hotel where we go to live in luxury. We go to Heaven to be with Someone - God our Creator who longs for us to join Him for eternity.

If you do not believe in God you can hardly be in Heaven with someone you do not believe in. 

Also, you cannot "wish" your way to Heaven. 

And another thought: No one goes to Heaven against their will. No one is forced there. If you do not believe in God you have automatically excluded yourself from His invitation.

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Children's Homilies

 

 

AN IDEA FOR A

CHRISTMAS PRESENT

FOR SOMEONE YOU LOVE 

 

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The Zebra Story

 

Father Ignatius approached the lectern and said, "A reading from the holy Gospel according to Mark Chapter 9 Verses 38 to 41. ‘Teacher,’ said John, ‘we saw someone driving out demons in your name and we told him to stop, because he was not one of us.’

‘Do not stop him,’ Jesus said. ‘For no one who does a miracle in my name can in the next moment say anything bad about me, for whoever is not against us is for us. Truly I tell you, anyone who gives you a cup of water in my name because you belong to the Messiah will certainly not lose their reward.’ "

The priest waited until they all sat down and then started his sermon, "Once upon a time there was a zebra which looked different from the rest of the herd. People don't like different, do they? Zebras don't like different either.

"This zebra had its stripes horizontally. Instead of having the stripes vertically around the body like all other zebras, this one had its stripes horizontally from the neck to the rear. The other zebras did not like that. They said he was not ‘one of us’. Whatever that means. They wanted the zebra out of the herd.

"They debated, they argued, and then they voted. And the zebra was thrown out of the herd to roam all alone, lonely, and defenceless. It soon got attacked by hyenas and was killed. They did not care which way the stripes went.”

He waited a moment or two as he usually does to make a point and then continued, “Sounds familiar, does it not? The zebra looked different and was not welcome in the herd. The disciples had the same attitude towards the stranger who performed miracles in Christ’s name yet was not one of the disciples.

"And to a large extent, so are we too, are we not. We may well wish to deny it, but deep down we are all prejudiced in some form or other, including me. It is in our very nature to be prejudiced about something or other. We’re too quick to judge. We all have our likes and dislikes and we react differently to peoples’ appearances, attire, age, accents, and the multitude of other feelings we have towards each other.

"When Jesus walked this earth, He must have met many poor people whose clothes were dirty and torn. Lepers too, as well as prostitutes and evil-doers of all kinds. He didn’t use our prejudices in order to avoid them and judge them. Instead, He used pity, compassion and love to help them to a better life.

"Jesus taught us not to judge so that we may not be judged. Have you ever wondered whether in life someone has been prejudiced against you without your knowledge? That job or promotion you did not get for instance? Or the way you’ve been treated by certain people?

"Dear Lord, forgive us if we have unintentionally sinned through our prejudices and treatment of others and teach us to be more aware of our weaknesses and help us to overcome them. Amen."

EXCERPT FROM

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Pocket Sermons

 

ISBN 9798269403045 

 

 

POCKET SERMONS - ISBN 9798269403045

By Victor S E Moubarak

POCKET SERMONS are a collection of short Christian-based articles which do not preach to you but will make you think, question, and consider what you believe in and why you believe it.

Written in an easy to follow style this book will explore various topics for you to ponder about and meditate on.

Such as why do we need to pray and how long should we wait for an answer to our prayers? 

Why did Jesus heal people when He was on earth? 

Was He a human or a God? 

How can the Trinity be three persons in one?

Why did God test Abraham about killing his son Isaac? 

Why does God not speak to us clearly as He did when speaking to Moses?

Can we really love one another as Jesus loves us? 

Are we pre-destined in our lives to do what God wants? If we go our own way and ignore God, is that His will or ours? 

Why do so many people leave the Church and Christianity altogether?

Each subject discussed will encourage you to analyse issues relevant to today’s society and the way we live in an ever changing world. 

This book is ideal as a Birthday or Christmas present. Perhaps you know someone for whom this book would be suitable. If so, then please spread the Word and encourage them to discover God in their lives. 

Also, if you can, please promote this book amongst your readers on social media; and leave an AMAZON Review. Thank you. 

POCKET SERMONS are sermons which do not preach 

but prompt you to think.

AVAILABLE IN PAPERBACK, KINDLE AND AUDIO VERSIONS

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