It was NOT my fault

 

Why is it I get blamed for everything? It was NOT my fault, I tell you. I'm innocent. I'll let you be the judge of this.

It happened two weekends ago. On a Saturday. We were invited to a wedding. A friend of my wife was getting married. I hardly know her but the invitation was for two so I agreed to go with my wife. Besides, there was free food afterwards.

As the happy couple left the church they stopped by the door for photographs. The photographer asked all the guests to stand on either side of the couple, just out of sight of the camera, and on the count of three to throw confetti on the couple. You know what I mean ...  small pieces or streamers of coloured paper usually thrown at celebrations, especially parades and weddings. Some people also prefer to throw rice at the couple - uncooked of course. On this occasion it was just coloured pieces of paper - confetti.

I'd just received a text from my boss. An important business call. My wife gave me a packet of confetti. The photographer counted to three. We all threw the confetti at the newly marrieds.

So did I ... I threw the confetti in my hand including my cell-phone. 

It hit her hard in the eye. She screamed. The cell-phone hit the ground. I wondered who's the idiot who threw the phone at the bride. I did not know it was me ... until everyone looked at me ... she started crying. Her husband comforted her, so did the bride-maids, the photographer, the priest, the guests, including one of them who was a doctor, and another one who was a lawyer and another one who was a policeman.

Just my luck. Why did she not invite a judge too and an executioner?

It was not my fault I tell you. It was my boss. He's the one who texted me at the wrong time. 

At the reception afterwards she had a black-eye which looked as if she'd been at a boxing match.

She was nice about it and understanding. Her husband wasn't. He glared at me. All the guests were whispering, "he's the one who threw the phone at her".

I tell you ... why are people so mean? It's not as if I did it on purpose. 

They're on honeymoon now. We've received a letter from them. Well, my wife did. They told her not to feel so bad about it all. They also said that the hotel manager on seeing the bride's black eye threatened to call the police thinking her husband had done it. He just would not believe they were on honeymoon. 

He asked, "So what is this? Marriage at first fight?"

My wife is still not speaking to me. (At least I can watch sports on TV in silence). She blames me for it all.

What do you think? Was it my fault? Or my boss's fault? Or the photographer perhaps for suggesting the whole stupid thing?   

New Must-Have App

 

I have this new fantastic App on my cell-phone. It is really good. Everyone should load it on their cell-phones.

It checks everywhere in the world and keeps me informed at all times.

The other day, as soon as I loaded it on my cell-phone, it "pinged" and said, "nothing important has happened anywhere in the world". 

I was relieved and got on with my work digging the garden. A robin visited me and started eating worms I'd just dug up.

A few minutes later it "pinged" again and said, "still nothing for you to be concerned about". That was good news, because I like to worry. It raises my blood pressure and makes my heart beat faster. Instead, I calmed down and continued digging the garden with my friendly robin supervising.

Would you believe it? Fifteen minutes later the App "pinged" once more and said, "no celebrity anywhere did or said something that is worth reporting on". 

Can you imagine that? Out of all the self-important celebrities throughout the world not one of them did or said anything that I should know about and pass on to my followers.

I was a little concerned about that. Normally celebrities, like the half-baked idiots that they are, say or do the most inane things to attract attention. What's the matter with them all? Have they suddnely realised that they're not important after all?

What is the point in being a celebrity on a reality show, or a pretend comedian, if no-one is reporting on your asinine behaviour? What will reporters and photographers have to report on if these people don't do or say stupid things?

Half-an-hour later the App "pinged" that none of my millions of social media "friends" and followers had posted anything that I need to stop what I am doing and check immediately on what they said.

What a relief that was. Normally, I spend my time logging-in from one social media platform to another to check what everyone is saying. I am a member of ten million different social medias and my fingers get really tired tapping on the cell-phone to log-in, check on every "friend" and follower, and read their interesting news which I then pass on to other "friends" adding a selfie or two of myself. 

The other day, one of them said that she got to work late because she could not find her shoes. The dog had taken them to his bed. How hilarious. That really made my day. 

Another one had tweeted that her husband had been taken into re-hab to cure his alcohol abuse. How sad. I tweeted back a sad emoji face in return. I don't really know that person, or her husband. She is just one of my many internet "friends". But I'm sure it would have made her day to receive my sad-face emoji.

This time, my new App had reported that none of these "friends" had tweeted or posted anything worth me responding to, or even reading about.

This fantastic App has also got another brilliant feature. If there's nothing worth me knowing about, it just switches the cell-phone off. Isn't that clever?

Of course, it switches the phone on if someone rings me. Otherwise it is off and quiet.

For an extra small payment, the Advanced App will throw the cell-phone in the trash can for you.