Leave me alone ...

I'd had a long and difficult day. I wanted to relax. I sat there on the settee in front of the TV accompanied by a pizza and a Guinness. They are usually good companions when I'm alone at home. Together with a chocolate as well. It's what I call a well balanced meal.

There was something and nothing on TV. You know, the sort of detective program where you watch and don't in fact take it in. You're just watching for the sake of watching because there's nothing better before you finish your meal and doze off in front of the TV anyway. 

The telephone rang. I have an extension phone receiver next to the settee to save me getting up. I tried teaching the dog to answer the phone but he is too stupid. He just picks up the receiver and barks at it. The person at the other end thinks they've phoned a pet store, or a dog rescue home, and just hang up.

Anyway, the phone rang and I picked it up thinking it was the wife and children saying they'd arrived in Glasgow to visit aunt Elma for a few days.

It was not my wife on the phone. It was  a stupid woman asking me if I wanted to pay cheaper electricity. At 8:30 in the evening, I have a stupid woman asking me if I wanted cheaper electricity. Has she nothing better to do?

We have a system in the UK whereby you can get electricity from different suppliers at different contractual prices. Say you're with Company A, you ask to be moved to Company B; and it happens automatically. You still retain the same electricity meters which count how much electricity you have used; but from a given date you pay a different Company. There are many such companies to choose from. Same with the gas supply that comes into your house through pipes.

This stupid woman explained that by changing suppliers I could save at least £30 a year. That's about $39. I told her I was not interested.

She said I could change to greener electricity. I said I did not care what colour my electricity was. She explained that some electricity is made by burning fossil fuels; this is not environmentally friendly. And that by changing to green energy, such as solar, or wind powered, or even wave powered energy I could reduce my carbon footprint.

For a start, I did not know that the size of my footprint could change. You just wear a certain size shoes and that's that. Why change to a tighter smaller size and risk getting sore feet or worse like bunions or carbuncles. As for my footprint being made of carbon ... what's that?

Anyway, what is the point of having electricity made by solar power, or wind or even waves? I want my electricity all the time; not when it is sunny, or windy or the sea is stormy. How do people get electricity at night, or on a calm day or when the sea is as peaceful as a pool of oil? At least burning things, like books, produces enough heat to make electricity. And there are so many bad books aren't there? (Not mine).

My guess is that most people would rather pay the least for their energy, rather than pay more to get electricity from sustainable sources and save the planet. I may be wrong.

She tried to explain. I told her as politely as I could that I was not interested. I picked up a piece of pizza. The pepperoni and sausage slices slid off onto my lap with a generous dose of tomato sauce. I cursed under my breath. Put the pizza back on the plate and tried to clean my trousers as best I can with a serviette. 

She kept on talking. I just put the phone down on her and cut the conversation off. The music played on the TV signifying the end of the program. I did not know who did it. Did the detective catch the murderer? Who was it and how did he do it?

We have a TV system over here called +1. Say you're watching a TV station called Aurora. If you go to Aurora +1 you can see the same program but an hour later. So if I quickly go to the +1 channel I can see the program again which is about to start. What a nuisance. Just because of the stupid electricity woman I now have to watch the program all over again from the start to see who did it.

If I do that, I'll miss the soap program on another channel which does not have a +1 feature. 

What a dilemma. See the soap program, or the detective film all over again?

Or perhaps I should ring the electricity lady and spoil her TV viewing by asking her what are my different choices of electricity and gas Companies.

Oh by the way ... we have another TV feature over here whereby you see a program and towards the end you can choose what ending you want. They show most of the program, then at the end during the adverts you can e-mail the TV company and choose an ending out of three or four they have filmed. The one with most votes, (happy, sad, tragic, or funny), is the one they broadcast as an ending.

Whilst watching The Titanic, I e-mailed them and said I wanted an ending where they sink the iceberg. They replied that I was stupid.

Phone Callers

 

 

Hello ... is that 32 23 56?

 

No, it is 322 356.

 

Sorry to have troubled you!

 

That's OK ... the phone was ringing anyway!

 

Is this Victor Moo Moo ...

 

Are you calling me a cow? I have never been so insulted in my life. Not from a phone caller who does not know my phone number. I don't answer the phone to be insulted. If I need insulting my wife does that for me!

 

I'm sorry Sir. I wanted to speak to Mr Moo Bar Ache. Is that you?

 

Hold on, I'll have a look ... Yes ... I checked in the mirror and it's me all right!

 

Good morning Sir,  I am calling to tell you about the latest technological innovation that's just been launched in the market.

I am not interested!

How can you not be interested, Sir, if you do not know what it is?

Because I've already got one.

But ... but ... 

Are you now calling me a butt? You are a very rude door-to-door salesman on the phone. Are you too lazy to visit your clients at home? Why don't you come round here so that I don't open the door for you? See how you like that! I used to be a door-to-door salesman once you know! In my day we actually went from door to door selling things people did not want. I often ended up buying things from them instead ... things other salesmen had sold them and they did not want them anyway.

Sorry Sir ... I meant to say you cannot possibly have one of these newly invented items since they've just been launched on the market. And as a new early bird buyer you are entitled to a 50% discount on the retail price.

Does this mean you'll double the price after I bought one?

Let me explain this device Sir. It is an electronic means for you to filter any unwanted calls from cold callers and salesmen on your telephone. Do you ever get people calling you unannounced trying to sell you something you do not want or need?

You mean like you? No ... not often ... but there's this guy who keeps phoning my wife. She says he's a salesman ... I don't believe her ... I think he's a sailor or something like that ... I heard him ask the other day on the phone ... is the coast clear?

Well ... I think you will want and need this new device I am selling. It is attached to your land-line telephone at home and ...

We don't have a land-line at home!

But ... but ... ehm ... I mean ... I just called you on your land-line.

No you didn't ... this is my neighbour's land-line telephone. He let's us borrow it when he is out. He passes the phone on to us through a long lead stretching from his back garden to ours! He does that in case someone rings him when he's out.

Oh ... ehm ... do you take messages for him?

Of course not ... that would be intruding on his privacy ... it could be his girl-friend calling ... Hot and Spicy ... or is that a pizza he ordered?

But ... but ... if you don't take any messages for him why does he give you his phone?

When he's back home we tell him the phone rang twice ... or more times ... and he knows he's missed some calls!

Would he be interested in a machine that filters any unwanted calls, do you think?

No ... he uses me to do this for him!

Don't Call Me ... I'm In The Shower!

 

I don't know if you have cold-callers where you live. These are people who ring your doorbell at the most inopportune time and try to sell you something or other which you don't need and don't want. Door-to-door salesmen mainly.

Now, I have mixed feelings about these salesmen. I don't like them because they always call when I am alone in the house doing something important. Like painting the ceiling or cooking an omelette, of painting an omelette and cooking the ceiling. Something which I find equally fascinating. Have you ever been fascinated? I was fascinated once. A nurse did it with a needle.

Those door-to-door salesmen can be very persistent, you know. As I was saying before I was fascinated by the pretty nurse. They ring the bell over and over again making our dog mad barking and running all around the house warning me of an intruder. He is good this way, which means I have to stop what I'm doing and answer the door.

But my dislike for salesmen is tempered by the fact that years ago I too used to be such a salesman. I was a door-to-door salesman selling doors to people. I had three sample doors strapped on my back and a small bag with other models and samples of locks, hinges, keys and other paraphernalia. 

I once knocked on a door, a real one, not the one on my back. Are you paying attention you lot, or just fascinated? 

I knocked on a door and a man wearing nothing but a towel round his waist opened it. He had obviously been in the shower as I knocked on his door.

I asked him if he wanted to buy a door, and he told me he already had more than one. I put the case I was carrying down on the ground and as I bent forwards to do this the doors strapped to my back hit the man hard on the forehead. He fell backwards like a boxer who'd been knocked down for the count; and in falling he dropped (or threw in) the towel - not a pretty sight!!!

What was I to do in this situation? Help stem the bleeding on his forehead with the towel; or cover his modesty bits with it?

As I was thinking what to do a huge Alsatian dog came running and barking out of the house.

I picked up my case, turned round and ran as fast as I could  with the heavy doors strapped to my back. The dog caught up with me and started jumping at the doors on my back as if he wanted to open and enter an imaginary room. He was too stupid to go for my legs. I kept running but could not look behind me because the doors obscured my view. I could hear and feel him jumping at my back as I ran as fast as my feet could carry me. Pretty soon, he got tired of running and returned back to his master, whom I could see standing up in his doorway, minus the towel, and waving his fist at me in the air. I think he was saying "Goodbye!"

Anyway, all this is leading to a door-to-door salesman who visited us the other day. That is despite our area being a "No Cold Caller" area. Some well to do areas are so designated by the Authorities prohibiting salesmen from calling on you unannounced.

So this salesman was ignoring the law to start with. What is more odd was his opening line.

"Good morning sir," he said, "do you ever think about death?"

I nearly replied that right now I'm thinking of his sudden death, seeing that he interrupted me. But I said nothing.

He continued: "I am Gilbert D Funct and I represent Pets In Peace, a new service provider just established in your town, and our aim is to share and ease your pain when your beloved pet departs this vale of tears.”

“Hein?” said I.

“PIP … that’s our initials. Pets In Peace will be there to provide you with a casket in which to place the remains of your dearly departed pet. We have caskets in all sizes for goldfish, budgies, hamsters, rabbits, cats, dogs and any other animal or insect which may share your home as a member of your family. All caskets are made to the highest standard of professional workmanship in mahogany, oak, elm, cedar wood and pine. And they are lined in satin or silk in a variety of colours such as white, black, and velvet being the most popular.”

 

I said nothing. So he asked me, "have you got a pet, Sir?"

 

"Yes ..." I mumbled, "down the farm we have some sheep and a pet goat; but we were planning on having a barbecue when it died! That is if it died in summer. Otherwise we would make a soup and freeze the rest!"

 

He looked perplexed for a while and then he continued, “Furthermore, sir, as part of our service we would conduct a solemn ceremony of whatever religious belief you desire, and then we would bury the casket containing the remains of your family pet on your property so you can visit him whenever you wish.”

 

"What if we have eaten the goat?" I asked, "would you bury the bones?"

 

He hesitated, and no doubt thought that he was on a commission if he got a sale, so he said, "yes ... yes ... that could be arranged!"

“What if I lived in an apartment!” I interrupted. “Would you bury the pet under the carpet?”

That certainly stopped him.

“Oh …” he said, “fortunately you live in a lovely house with surrounding gardens; but if you do not wish your pet buried here we have access to a pet cemetery.”

I took the initiative and asked him: “We had planned to flush the goldfish down the toilet … you know … naval burial and all that. Are your caskets water soluble?”

“Er … no … I don’t believe so …” mumbled Gilbert, obviously unaware of my sarcasm.

“And then there’s the cat,” I continued, having gained the upper-hand in this sales pitch, “he’d be too big to flush down the toilet. I’ve often wondered how we’d dispose of him after he’s used up his nine lives …”

“Are you familiar with cremation?” asked Gilbert gaining an advantage point.

“My wife is expert at that … judging from her many Sunday roasts! Perhaps she could do the same to the cat!” I said.

At this point, as luck would have it, she came in the house from one of her shopping trips.

“This is for you,” I said standing aside, “this gentleman has an idea on how to deal with our cat when we're away on holiday!" and I quickly rushed to the pub.