Have you noticed in supermarkets how pet foods are stacked on shelves? Over here they put the food according to the height of the animal. The dog foods are placed at eye level so you notice them as you walk down the aisle. Cat foods are lower down. Food for fish and birds are on the bottom shelves. It's quite a task getting food for giraffes.
A friend's Golden Labrador has sadly died. He is quite wealthy, the friend not the dog. So in order to remember the dog, he went to a jeweller and asked him to make a statue of the dog in gold so he can keep it on the mantle-piece.
The jeweller asked, "18 carats?"
"No," my friend replied, "eating bones of course!"
Another friend has lost his dog. They were in the park and the dog got off its lead and ran away. I suggested he puts an advert in the newspaper, also posters all over the area which he could stick on trees, notice boards and such like.
A few days later and he still did not find his dog.
I asked him what he had written on the advert and posters.
He replied, "Here boy!"
I got an e-mail from a friend in Australia. He is a shepherd. Whilst he was out with his dog in the fields shepherding his flock a crocodile came out of a swamp and bit his leg!
I sympathised and e-mailed back, "which one?"
He said, "I dunno sport! You see a crocodile and you've seen them all!"
He explained he did not lose his leg but he was in hospital for treatment. I e-mailed "Antibiotics?"
He replied, "No ... but uncle Biotics came to see me instead!"
One day when the delivery man came round the dog barked at him. As the man ran away he dropped his hat and the dog chewed it.
The man complained to my friend. My friend smiled and said, "It's only a hat, mate! No harm done."
The delivery man replied, "I don't like your attitude!"
To which my friend said, "It's not my hat he chewed, it's your hat he chewed!"
The old man who lives in the house behind us ... his back garden backs onto our back garden ... well, he must have got a little puppy for company. I was digging my garden and saw the little dog in his garden. He chose a silly name for his dog, I thought. He called him "Help!"
All day yesterday, I could hear the old man shouting "Help! Help!" Eventually, he must have found him because he stopped calling.
This morning, whilst I was out buying a newspaper, I saw an ambulance outside the old man's house.
(It's a joke folks ... a joke ... no dogs have been harmed in the writing of this post!)
When I got to work this morning my secretary was crying her heart out. She did no work at all. Apparently her dog had died. She showed me his photo.
I wanted her to get on with her work. So to stop her crying, I took the photo and went out and bought her an identical dog. When she saw it she cried some more.
Now she has two dead dogs!
(It's another joke ... I did not buy her a dead dog ... you are a tough audience you lot!"
