Close encounter of the double kind

It was by far the most frightening experience of my life. I stayed overnight at an old stately home which is reputed to be haunted. I was all alone in the house.

That's when I heard someone coming in from the kitchen. Probably a burglar. I hid behind the thick curtains. I was frightened and must have cried a little because I could feel the tears trickling down my leg.

The door opened. It was the butler. 

Then from the window at the far end I saw a flash of lightening, then a bright light that would not go away. The butler remained in the room.

Moments later the door leading to the kitchen opened slowly with a creaking sound. Long bony fingers appeared on the side of the door. Then a long bony face with really big eyes. 

A diminutive humanoid type creature came in slowly. It was totally skeletal made of bones and covered in a pale grey skin. It looked like an alien from outer-space who'd just landed in the garden outside.

The alien talked. He said to the butler, "I feel a spiritual presence here. Is this house haunted?"

The butler replied, "In all the time I have worked here I have not seen a ghost."

"How long have you worked here?" asked the extra terrestrial.

 "About 400 years," replied the butler.

I started crying again.

"I notice you've only got one moon. We have seven on our planet," said the ET, "Now take me to your leader?"

"Which one?" asked the butler, "I don't have a leader. I just walk through walls and solid objects to frighten people."

"That's a neat trick," said ET, "but why the eye-patch?"

"One day I went through a key hole and someone put a key in at the same time. On another occasion I slid under a door and the maid sucked me into her vacuum cleaner while she was working. So now, it's only walking through walls for me," lamented the butler.

"We're not as versatile," said the ET fellow, "but we have tricks too. Because we move through space and time at quantum speed we can tell your future here on earth before earthlings experience it. Like travelling faster than the speed of light."

"That's clever," said the butler, "you can tell the future. Who will win the dog race tomorrow at 2:00pm?"  

"A greyhound!" affirmed ET.

"Which one?" asked the butler. 

I quickly memorised the name of the dog ET said. It was Cucumber.

The next day I rushed to the betting shop and there was a dog of that name at the 2:00pm race.

I bet £500 on Cucumber to win. It came last.

FOOTNOTE: Why are ghosts always in old haunted houses and ancient castles? Why aren't there ghosts at the supermarket, or your favourite fast-food outlet, or in a public toilet in the mall?  

Do ghosts always speak in English? Or can they speak other languages? If so, would you be scared of a ghost speaking a foreign language? 

What would you do if you were at home alone and you heard the toilet flush? I'd probably wet myself.

And what would you do if a ghost told you for certain that tomorrow you will die? I'd probably stop re-cycling. Recycling is so tedious, don't you think?

Anyway, some thoughts for you to ponder about, especially when you're at home alone. 

BOOOH !!! (I bet that made you jump).

Unexpected Encounter

 

It was a long time ago, I was young, I was out travelling like some students do, discovering the world and all that.

It was in the mountains. Mount Everest I think, or was it the Pair O'knees? No ... Ben Nevis, that was the name of the hotel keeper. Or the mountain ... or ...

Anyway, I met this hermit. A man who lives alone in the middle of nowhere eating berries and locusts ... or is it licorice? Something beginning with L anyway. Linguine? No that's not it.

He was naked in a barrel. He called me and said, "Wisdom is acquired and not found!"

I nodded and said nothing. I was tired so I sat down on the ground whilst he dried himself up and wrapped his scrawny skeletal body in a toga type outfit. Maybe it was in Italy ... do they have mountains in Italy?

He said, "Imagine, young man, you are walking on a beach and you see footprints. One set of feet, the left ones, are bare, whilst the others, the right, distinctly show that the foot is wearing a sandal. What would you deduce from that?"

"I guess the person has lost one of his sandals," I replied.

"No necessarily so, my not-so-wise friend" he smiled, "it could be that the person has just found a sandal, not lost one!"

I nodded again and said nothing.

"Let us say," continued the toga-wearing hermit, "that later on you find a sandal; what would you deduce from that?"

"I guess it is the sandal that the wearer lost," I said.

"Again, not necessarily so," he chuckled, "it could be that the walker got fed up limping with one bare foot and one with a sandal, so he threw the sandal he found away!"  

After a few moments' silence he spoke again.

"We often deduce things from limited information," he said, "and our deductions are based on our attitude to life. You said the man had lost a sandal; I said he had found one. You were negative in your deduction. You assumed the sandal was the one that was lost, I said it was the one he had found and he threw it away."

I smiled. He had a point. I was somewhat negative in my thinking; but life tends to make you so sometimes.

He continued, "A man in the sea is always wet. A wet man on the beach was not necessarily in the sea!"

Another good point, I thought. It could be raining, or he got wet by some other way.

"A river never flows up the mountain," he added after a pause.

I decided it was time to go. I got up, smiled and waved him goodbye. 

"Remember," he said as he waved back, "the dogs in the desert run much faster because the trees are further apart!"

And the moral of this story:

If you ever walk your dog in the desert never use one of those extendable/retractable leads. They'll never be long enough.

Not so close encounter of the priestly kind

I was home alone, working in the front garden. One of the priests I know drove by and stopped to say "hello". He did not get out of the car but chatted for a while from his driving seat.

I did not invite him in. Not with a houseful of pole dancers in the front room!

No ... seriously ... I did not invite him in because he said he was in a hurry about an appointment he had to go to.

He said, "I have not seen you at Confession lately!"

I replied, "Just as well, I thought the purpose of those wooden confessionals is that you don't see us!"

I could see his brain thinking for a while and then he said, "You should go to Confession regularly, either in our church or another one. But you should go regularly!"

"But I don't sin, Father," I said, "my wife sees to that!"

Again, the cogs and wheels in his brain turned slowly and he said nothing. So I had to continue with, "living with her is like being in Purgatory!"

His eyebrows rose suddenly. Obviously, he knew a thing or two about Purgatory. "Is everything all right ... with your marriage?" he asked.

"Oh yes ... yes ..." I said, "all's well, Father ... in fact it was my wife who introduced me to religion ..." I added to re-assure him.

He smiled.

So I continued, "I did not know what hell was until I met her!"

The smile was wiped off his face quicker than you can say anything you care to say at a moment like this. My sense of humour had gone too far this time. I could see he was worried.

I tried to re-assure him but made things even worse by saying, "Oh, it's not her, Father. It's the mother-in-law ... she keeps leaving her broomstick in the lounge whenever she lands unannounced!"

He stepped back in his car and said, "just as well I am in a hurry for my next appointment. Otherwise you would have got a special sermon for one!"

He waved good-bye and left. I did not know whether to feel sorry for him, or for myself.