Feline Dilemma

 

It was about five o’clock in the morning when I heard a sound outside in the front garden. It sounded like cats fighting.

I looked out of the front window and saw two cats chasing each other in our garden. One of them, doing the chasing, was our tom cat. The other one was some female cat owned by someone down our street.

Our tom cat must have been making advances to his girl friend because he was carrying a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates, figuratively speaking you understand. But the other cat was either playing hard to get or was not at all interested in his amorous advances. How am I to know? It’s difficult enough for us men to understand women let alone female cats!

Anyway … both cats were jumping all over the garden and in the street like hares do in early March. And in all their jumping my cat landed hard on the side of my neighbours car setting off the alarm.

Both cats flew away and I was left there at the window watching the lights in the car going on and off and the alarm sounding loudly enough to awaken the whole neighbourhood.

Minutes later our neighbour came out bare feet and in his pyjamas. As he approached his car he must have slipped on the damp grass and landed hard on his backside. He switched off the alarm using a remote control key whilst still sitting on the wet grass.

Before he managed to get up his little dog terrier came out running from the house barking like mad and running down the street.

The neighbours wife then came out in her negligent. (I bet you’re all looking this word in your dictionary. I like using French words in my stories – it adds class!)

She helped him up and he got in the car to go and fetch the runaway dog. For some reason, instead of going forwards he reversed hurriedly and mounted the side-walk hitting a tree behind him. He let out some profane words which I will not repeat here and then drove off at speed.

His wife waited for him in the street.

About ten minutes later he returned and got out of the car with the little dog in hand.

The thing is … do I tell him that it was my cat who set off the car alarm or not?

What do you think?

Uncle Herbert

Uncle Herbert came to visit us the other day. He’s a lovely old gentleman much liked by the whole family for his kindness and extreme generosity.

He always arrives laden with gifts for everyone and I must admit to looking forward to my large bottle of vintage single malt whisky every time he visits.

He certainly is an expert at choosing great gifts that we can all love and appreciate, Uncle Herbert is. Anything from something decorative or useful for the house to lovely toys and various presents for the children!

All are received gratefully with open arms … as well as Uncle Herbert himself of course. If there’s any spare space available in our open arms he is received gratefully there too.

Even the lazy dog lying on the mat opposite the TV reacts to Uncle Herbert’s arrival. He looks up … yawns … and goes back to sleep.

The cat of course hurries in the corner of the room and consults his book of tricks to see how he can embarrass me in my own home in front of my own family and friends.

Oh what a lovely meal we had last Sunday when Uncle Herbert called.

The best steak that money can buy, all sorts of roast vegetables, with Yorkshire pudding, gravy and all the trimmings. All washed down with fine wine (and orange juice for the kids) followed by a steamed plum pudding with custard and a glass or two of port – just to celebrate you understand.

After such a sumptuous meal the rest of the family decided to go out to the park for a walk to help the digestion … and I was left alone with Uncle Herbert.

He settled in front of the TV in his favorite armchair and pretty soon he felt the effects of the food and drink and followed the lazy dog into the land of nod.

I sat on the settee for a while relaxing and pretty soon the conniving cat was up to his tricks again. He jumped on the back of the armchair just behind Uncle Herbert and gently tried to paw his head whilst he was asleep.

I should mention at this point that Uncle Herbert wears a wig. It’s pretty obvious to anyone I think except himself. He’s obviously self-conscious about his bald head and prefers to cover it with some falsies instead …

Hey, why not. If it makes him happy why should we interfere?

Sensing a potential disaster with the cat standing just behind Uncle Herbert’s head I quickly, but silently, tried to entice him away with a morsel of food from the dinner table.

Eventually, the cat moved away and I cleared the dinner table and went to the kitchen to wash the dishes, leaving Uncle Herbert and the dog fast asleep.

Half an hour later when I’d finished washing up I returned to the living room to find Uncle Herbert still asleep in the armchair minus the wig.

What could have happened … I panicked. Surely the cat did not take it away without waking Uncle Herbert!

I searched everywhere for the missing wig. First behind the armchair … pretty obvious place. Then on either side of the sleeping man in case the wig fell by his side. Then … as usually happens in these circumstances … I widened the search area.

They say when you’re looking for something it will always be in the last place you think of looking … again, pretty obvious … because once you’ve looked there and found it, then it will be the last place and you’d stop looking. The thing is … where is this last place where the wig is supposed to be?

It was one of those quick and frantic searches yet carried out very quietly because I did not want to wake sleeping Uncle Herbert. It had to be done hurriedly before the children came back from the park and discovered that their uncle had detachable hair.

I prayed to St Anthony to help me find the missing article, but the Saint must have been busy with something else that day because the wig was no where to be found.

A cold sweat covered my forehead and trickled silently into my eyes. My heart was pounding in my chest like a drum sending my blood pressure to new highs.

Think … think … think … where else could it be? I even looked in the fridge and in the washing machine … although why it should be there is beyond anyone’s imagination. But when I panic … I really panic … I’m expert at it.

And panic makes you do stupid things … like go out in the back garden hoping for inspiration … or just to escape from being inside where all the panic is.

How could I possibly explain to Uncle Herbert that his wig had disappeared?

What if the family came back and the children asked him if he'd shaved his head as a fashion statement? Do you think he'd be angry enough to want his whisky back?

Questions ... questions and more questions ran through my mind as I stepped into the garden for inspiration.

Just as well I went out because that’s exactly where the wig was … right in the middle of the garden. That wretched cat will be the end of me one day …

I can read it in the Medical Journal already … heart attack induced by family cat!

I picked up the wig which was by now covered in dirt and cat’s saliva. How do you clean a wig? Anyone know? More questions.

I can’t put it in the washing machine … the spin dryer would turn Uncle Herbert into a curly head.

I can’t vacuum clean it … it would get sucked up in the machine and transformed into a mop.

I can’t beat it hard against the wall to knock off the dirt … it would probably moult and lose or shed hair … and poor bald Uncle Herbert would have a bald wig to cover his bald head.

I rubbed my hand across the wig gently and slowly wiped away the cat’s saliva with a clean cloth. I then tiptoed into the living room and tried to replace the hair-piece onto its rightful place … one problem … which way is forward and which way is backwards … it all looked the same to me.

I gently let it drop on Uncle Herbert’s head and quickly sat on the settee pretending to be asleep just as he woke up and straightened his wig to its pre-destined position without any care or notice.

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Psychological Nonsense My Style

 

So ... it happened like this. Why is it these days people start sentences with "so"? I hate it. I never do that and will never ever do it.

So ... as I was saying, these directors thought it would be a good idea to hire a psychologist to assess their top managers and identify their potential to get on to higher positions in management. The psychologist's name was I M N Idiot - as I recall.

He divided us into two groups of five. I did not know until then I was one of the ten top managers. He said one group would be the control group and he will not interfere or affect their behaviour in any way. He will let those five act as a group, or individually, as they wish. The other five people will be the experimental group. He will, or may, interfere with their performance to see how they behave. Of course, he did not tell us which group of five was which.

Well ... I was not keen about this at all. I am not a guinea pig and refuse to be treated as such. My potential for higher management is obvious - I am not interested. My job is stressful enough counting paper clips for them to add more stress with counting staples as well.

Our group of five were given a cup of strong black coffee to drink. I did not know whether they did the same with the other group, or whether they were the experimentals or us. I was certain that the psychologist was mental all right. And the coffee tasted like gnats' pee. I threw it away whilst he was not watching.

We were taken out, blind-folded and asked to stand still for a while. After just five minutes, we were told to take off the blindfolds. We were in the middle of a maze. They had built a maze around us using self-standing panels on legs. We were told to find our way out.

That's when my disruptive scheme came into effect. I told the group that we were the experimental group. I had no way of knowing that, but I lied that there was a peculiar taste in the coffee and they were assessing how we think as a result of what we drank. I suggested we should think creatively. Think outside the box. That is what was expected of us. Rather than walk round the maze, which is what most people would do, a quicker way was to push all the panels down and get out that way. In three minutes we were free. The psychologist was very annoyed that we ruined the exercise but said nothing.

In the second exercise he divided our group into 3 people in one room and 2 in another. In my room we had a little house made of Lego bricks. Using only a telephone, which they said our conversation will be recorded and listened to, we had to describe the building to the other 3 who would build an identical house with their bricks. I asked my colleague to make the phone call. Whilst he was describing our building, I took a photo on my cell-phone of the house and sent it secretely to another colleague in the other room on his cellphone. To be honest, the guy in my room was awful at describing the building but, somehow, the others managed to build an identical house in record time.

The final exercise was a one-to-one interview with the psychologist. I was as disruptive as I could, but politely of course, by giving the wrong answers, or pretending I did not know whether a zebra is white with black stripes, or black with white stripes. He showed me a lot of ink spots, or ink blots, and asked me what I could see in them? I gave silly answers, like, "I see a fridge with nothing inside!" He asked me how I knew it was empty. I said it was not connected to the mains electricity supply.

A week later they offered me a promotion. I turned it down. They could not understand why, but they never employed the psychologist again.

When things go wrong

 

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4 minutes recording

 

Oh Noah ... Noah!

 

THE DAY NOAH GOT DRUNK

It's in the Bible.

Noah was a farmer and

he was the first man to ever plant

a vineyard.

He made wine,

drank it,

and became drunk.

He then took off all his clothes,

and lay naked in his tent.

His son Ham (what a name)

saw Noah naked and

he took photos with his cell-phone

and posted them on Facebook.

GENESIS 9:20-22.

Catalogue of disasters

 

Well it all started some years ago when a man from a pet charity came knocking at our door. Can't remember the name of the charity, but he asked me if I would like to sponsor a cat.

I asked him, "What will it do?"

He did not understand, so I explained, "you want me to sponsor a cat, will it run the marathon? Go on a diet and lose weight? Climb a mountain range? Eat broccoli for a year? What will it do?"

He said that it doesn't work like that. This sponsoring method is that I pay a given sum every month and the charity looks after the cat.

"What's in it for me?" I asked, "I seem to be out of pocket in this transaction!"

He said it's a charitable gift, tax deductible, I would get photos of the cat every now and then and a progress report how he is doing. I thought it was a waste of money. I might as well buy a cat. So they sold me a black cat called Snowy.

Unfortunately he was difficult to handle so we exchanged him for a white cat called Rover. Sadly, on a snowy winter he got run over by a snow plough. Perhaps we should have kept the black cat called Snowy instead.

So the charity gave us another cat. A ginger one called Albatross. He was very clever for a feline.

I lived in London at the time. In a tiny apartment.One day my boss said I had to go and work in Glasgow for three months. It was an urgent project and I had to fly there that very evening. There was no one to take care of my Albatross for that length of time so I decided to take it with me. 

There was no time to make any arrangements so I looked on the internet and there's an organisation that can transport animals from one place to another for a fee. They took my cat and said they'll deliver him to me in two days' time.

Two days later, in Glasgow, they delivered a Golden Labrador dog called Pussycat.  

"What the **** is that?" I asked the delivery man who could not put such a big dog through my letter box.

He looked at his delivery note and read, "A ginger cat called Albatross!"

"So?" I asked, "do you see a mistake here perhaps?"

He looked at the dog and said, "he's a bit big for a cat!"

"Of course he's big, he is not a cat," I said holding back my temper, "he is a Golden Labrador, not a damn cat!"

"Do you not want him?" he replied, "he is bigger than a cat, and very friendly. Saves me having to return him to the depot. Besides, this delivery note was in the cage he was in. It says ginger cat named Albatross. So he's definitely yours, look the address is correct as well!"

To cut a long story short, as you have guessed, someone at the depot had mistakenly put the wrong delivery notes on the cages. We got down to his delivery van. It was full of cages with rabbits, hamsters, guinea pigs, parrots, snakes, tortoises and other creatures due for delivery. And, you've guessed it again, all the delivery notes were on the wrong cages. The snake was labelled a parrot, the parrot was labelled a hamster and so on.

We found my ginger cat called Albatross. His delivery note said tortoise called Speedy to be delivered to a totally different address to mine.

I convinced the delivery man to give me my cat in exchange for the Labrador called Pussycat.

Love letter from my past

 

Hello mon petit choux, my little cabbage. I thought I'd write to let you know I missed you since we last met on Saturday at the back of the fast food burger bar. 

Sorry I had to run and leave you but I had to get home before the football match started on TV. I hope you got the bus home all right and you were not bothered by any weirdos like that man eating pickled onions you told me about. 

I really should have walked you home, or at least took the bus with you; but it was an important football match. Sadly my team lost, dad got drunk, mom got upset and locked herself in the bedroom, and dad slept on the couch. I got in my room and my thoughts turned to you, and I was very upset that my team lost at football. 

To comfort me, and in the absence of your presence cuddling next to me, I took my pet to bed with me instead. The next morning the bed and I were all wet and my goldfish had died. I shall have to replace him before the next time I am alone without you.

I can't live ... if living is without you ... I can't give ... I can't give any more. I gave you all the spare change I had for you to take the bus. I cried myself to sleep. Every night I wake up crying. Tears on my pillow and pain in my heart. You on my mind. Yes ... when I woke up this morning, you were on my mind. Maybe I didn't treat you quite as good as I should have. Maybe I didn't love you quite as often as I could have. We've only just met really, but you were always on my mind. You were always on my mind.

I wondered how you are getting on in your new job at the slaughterhouse. You being a vegetarian and all. Perhaps next time we should not meet at the burger bar. Are there any vegetarian burger bars? We can share some sauerkraut and root beer. 

I hope there will be a next time and you will want to go out with me again. I really enjoyed our first date. So much so I will tattoo your name on my chest, close to my heart. Let me know how you spell your name.

I love you darling Caitryn ... Cietrin ... (I really can't remember how you spell your name. Is it i before e except after c? Or does your name start with a k not a c?) I look forward to seeing you in your golden leotard at your next wrestling match my Mighty Meatless Muscles.

P.S. - Did you find your lost doggie?

 

Galileo ... Galileo ... Magnifico-o-o-o-o

 

This history lesson will focus on how we got to find out that the earth is round and revolves around the sun as well as round itself.

It all started a long time ago in Italy when a man called Galileo Galilei (1564–1642) became a famous mathematician, physicist and philosopher. He was born in Pizza in Italy and often walked leaning sideways. This is because he had one leg shorter than the other. When he eventually became famous the townsfolk built a tower in his honour and made it lean sideways to look just like him.

He achieved great distinction amongst society by doing his homework whilst at school and not wasting time watching TV or playing video games. This proved easy for him because at the time neither TV nor video games had been invented; so it was either a choice of doing homework or helping with the household chores.

Anyway, as he grew up Galileo used to think a lot. He would sit on a chair in the veranda for hours and just think rather than help his father work in the fields. One day he looked over the field at the people far away and wondered why they were small. "Do people shrink as they walk away from you?" he thought. "And how is it they grow up again the closer they get to you?"

It was a mystery which exercised his imagination until his friend Vidi Maximus suggested that he should invent the telescope.

It is worth noting here that Vidi Maximus was the second of the three Max Brothers - Veni, Vidi, Vici.

Vici was always fighting, whereas Vidi had great foresight as well as hindsigth because he had eyes at the back of his head. Not much is known of the elder brother Veni.

But I digress as I often do to add interest to my conversations and to check whether you're still paying attention or have fallen asleep.

So, using a few inner rolls of toilet paper Galileo stuck them together and made a long cardboard tube. He looked down one end and was disheartened to find that the men in the field were just as small as before.

It took Vidi Maximus quite a lot of patience to explain to Galileo that it would be better if he were to put some lenses in the tube first. And that's how Galileo invented the telescope.

One day as he was sitting in the veranda thinking, Galileo noticed that the shadow of a nearby tree moved every so often and it was not always in the same place. He looked up to the sun and was nearly blinded by its brilliance; so he cursed that he had not invented sunglasses as well as the telescope.

He figured out that either the sun is moving around and so giving the illusion that the shadow is moving, or the sun is standing still in one place and it was the earth which was moving.

He waited until nightfall and then he got his friend Vidi Maximus to walk in a big circle in the street holding a lit torch. To his delight he noticed that as Vidi walked around in a big circle the shadow of the tree moved round as well. This proved to Galileo that the earth moved around the tree ... until Vidi patiently once again pointed out that the earth moved around the sun not the tree.

Eventually, the slow Galileo saw the light, from the torch as well as in his head, and realised that the earth indeed moved round a stationary sun. They were both so excited by their great discovery that they stopped suddenly and cheered at the top of their voices. Unfortunately they were run over by a passing fast chariot.

The following day, dazed and bedraggled, Galileo got out of hospital and decided to go public with his discovery. He told everyone that the earth revolves around the sun. They all laughed at him.  

Some church people said that this was all heresy and he should be arrested.

It was at this period, whilst challenged for his beliefs, that he is supposed to have said "Eppur si muove!"

This is a famous saying which in Italian means "and yet it moves".

This is believed to refer to the fact that he maintained at all times that the earth revolves around the sun; and has nothing to do with the notion that he was referring to his over-large mother-in-law who got up from her chair to make everyone a well deserved Expresso coffee.

Unbelievable Horror Story

 

You'll never believe this story. In fact I hardly believe it myself. But it did happen. To me. Years ago. In the wilds of Scotland it was.

I went to visit an old friend called McPherson who lived out on the moors up in the Highlands. His house, or shack, was out there at the foot of a mountain. No electricity, or running water. Just running cockroaches as I recall. I killed one of them and within minutes my bed was infested with other cockroaches. They had come for the funeral. Ominous I thought.

He was an odd fellow, McPherson. Although well educated with various University degrees he chose to live alone in the wild relying on his inventiveness and wit to survive. 

As I recall, he always stank like a skunk. Partly because he had no bathroom in his small wooden shack. He used to bathe in the river once a month whether he needed it or not; until one day he was bitten by a hungry fish searching for worms. After that, he bathed wearing an old diving suit he had from his deep-sea diving days. He claimed that a bout of flatulence helped him float. 

The first evening with McPherson it rained heavily and there was thunder and lightning. We were outdoors, McPherson and me, gathering fire wood to keep us warm that evening. Every so often there was a strike of lightning which lit the sky and the surrounding area. This was followed by a low rumble from the thunder. Apparently, you always see the lightning first and then hear the thunder. Unless you're indoors and perhaps you don't see the lightning at all; unless the roof has blown off.

Well, we were outdoors and as there was some sudden lightning I thought I saw someone moving in the woods near us. It may have been my imagination but it looked like a skeleton. He had no body with him. He was all alone! So thin you'd say he was skin and bones; only he did not have the skin.

I told McPherson about it but he was totally unperturbed. He said it was probably the ghost of Joshua McAdamia. An old nut who lived in the shack nearby. He died years ago when trying to harness lightning to light a cigarette with. He stood there in a night like this with a long metal pole in hand, hoping to direct the lightning to the end of the cigarette on his lips. Sure enough the lightning caught the metal pole and turned McAdamia into a roasted nut.

"He comes out on nights like this to borrow a cigarette from you. I always turn him down," said McPherson, "because I smoke a pipe not cigarettes."

We hurried indoors with whatever wood we had and lit a fire to keep us warm. As we sat there eating beans and vegetarian sausages ... oh ... I forgot to mention, McPherson was a vegetarian. He only ate sausages and burgers and such stuff made from mushrooms or similar spores or fungi. It tasted like rubber but without the taste of rubber. 

I don't know about you, but I resent vegetarians making things like sausages and burgers. Meat eaters invented those shapes first. Vegetarians should invent their own shapes like cubic sausages and square burgers. 

Anyway, as we sat there eating there was a knock at the door. "Who is that at this hour?" I thought. 

"It is probably McAdamia," said McPherson, "he often comes round to borrow a cup of tea or coffee. He says it goes right through him!"

Well I don't know about you, but I suddenly got the urge to go to the toilet. The shack did not have such a facility. You have to go out and choose a tree, or hide behind a bush if you're a lady.

I certainly was not going out in weather like that, especially with McAdamia's skeleton in search for liquid refreshment.

"What do we do now?" I asked in trepidation. 

"Just cross your legs tight together till morning," he said, "I always do that rather than go out and get wet!"

"Tell me more about McAdamia," I said to pass away the time and take my mind off my predicament.

"Oh, he's a nice fellow all right," replied McPherson, "rather skeletal in appearance and somewhat transparent. I bet he's still out there behind the door in the rain. But he doesn't get wet and shivery like you or I would. Always as dry as a bone. One day, whilst he was asleep, his dog ate his legs. When he woke up in the morning he was furious, but he did not have a leg to stand on. So I made him another pair of legs from a tree branch that had fallen in the storm! From then on I called him Splinters. He loves to say "Ooh ARRRR!" and pretend he is a pirate. Because he is a vegetarian too, he has a carrot on his shoulder!"

I eventually fell asleep. The next morning I noticed that the door of the shack was loose on one of its hinges. No doubt that's what made it rattle in the wind all through the night. 

Was there a McAdamia knocking at the door? Was it one of McPherson's sick inventive jokes from his repertoire of wit? 

I did not have time to ask him. I ran outside to the nearest tree and then jumped in my car and drove off as fast as I could. No doubt McPherson was bathing in the river because I noticed the diving suit was not in the shack.

Do NOT Be Afraid

 

                                     DO NOT BE AFRAID

If we are honest, we have all been afraid at one time or another in our lives. Afraid about something that might happen to us, or to our loved ones. And our fear, whether warranted or not, weakens our faith in God our loving Father. This song should prove comforting when we are in such mental turmoil.

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FATHER FRANCIS MAPLE

WEBSITE HERE

What do you believe?

 

What are you praying for right now? A need or a want? For you or for someone else? Do you believe that  God is listening and will respond in His own way and in His time? How sure and certain are you of this?

Do you know God?

 

Here are some comforting thoughts.

John 14:7-14 

"If you know me, you will know my Father also. From now on you do know Him and have seen Him."

Philip said to Him, "Lord, show us the Father, and we will be satisfied." Jesus said to Him, "Have I been with you all this time, Philip, and you still do not know me? Whoever has seen me has seen the Father."

Jesus here is not trying to teach Philip and the disciples about the Holy Trinity. This was, and still is, too difficult a concept for those people and us to understand.

Jesus is teaching a far easier lesson for those people, and us, to understand. He says, "Believe me that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; but if you do not, then believe me because of the works themselves."

Jesus is telling us that the best way to know God is by looking at Him, (Jesus), and the way He behaved. When we see His kindness, His closeness to sinners and to those marginalised by others, when we see His many miracles helping those in need, when we see His love and mercy and forgiveness, even to those who nailed Him to the Cross, when we see to what extent He was ready to share our human condition, and to care for us; then we are seeing God, our loving Father.

This is what God looks like. A loving, caring, merciful and forgiving Father.

Jesus also gives us a promise here, "I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If in my name you ask me for anything, I will do it."

How comforting is that?