Camelot

 

And so it came to pass that one day King Uther Pendragon of Camelot died, and his son, Prince Arthur, was to be crowned King of Camelot. All the preparations were ready. Archbishop Pray-A-Lot had been summoned to conduct the ceremony. The celebration cake had been prepared by Sir Rising Yeast the owner of the shop The Baker’s Dozen. Sir Gassy Trumpet was ordered to prepare the music for the ceremony together with his orchestra Discordant Medieval Cacophony. All that remained in the preparation for the coronation was to try on the crown on young Arthur’s head.

Prince Arthur put it on, but since his head was slightly larger than that of his father, Uther, the crown got stuck on his head and would not come off. Try as he might, Arthur could not pull the crown off his head any more.

The beautiful servant Genevieve heard the Prince’s cries and fearing he was being attacked entered his chambers and found him struggling to get the crown off. “What are you doing here?” shouted Arthur angrily, “get out … get out and forget what thou hast seen! Be out with thee wench!”

“I beg thy humble pardon, my Master and Prince, King-to-be,” said Genevieve trembling in fear, “I didst not know nor foretell that thou wouldst be in the shower with no accoutrement or clothing on whatsoever, as the day thou were borne. In all honour and honesty I vouch and promise thee that I have not observed, nor admired, the majestic jewels that thou possessest. Such treasures be they for your eyes only and the one thou choosest in due course to be thy bride.”

By the time she said all this, Genevieve had seen and memorised more than one can imagine of the Prince’s crown jewels. She had a photographic memory even though digital cameras had not yet been invented either.

(That’s the problem with Medieval Englande; by the time you finish talking in old style language you have seen more of the Prince’s naked body than you should have. What’s wrong with saying “Sorry!” and just get out? Anyway, the Prince was resolute, pragmatic and cold. Mostly cold.)

He said, “you might as well stay now, and help me get this crown off!” as he put on his dressing-gown. He bent his head down a little as she pulled and pulled at the crown violently in order to wrench it off his head, all the time keeping her eyes fixed on the crown jewels. Try as she might, she could not get it off. Then, in an almighty effort to break the crown free her hands slipped and she flew backwards out of the window and fell on Botox the old warlock dislocating his left shoulder. At this point, hearing all the commotion, Merlin the young wizard enters Prince Arthur’s chambers.

“Can’t you knock?” asked the Prince in shorthand modern English. Amazing how quickly they learn!

“The door was wide open for all to see!” replied Merlin just as short and abruptly.

“Help me get this crown off,” said Arthur.

Merlin pretended to pull the crown off, but secretly he chanted a magic spell under his breath in order to make the crown a little larger and easier to get off. And that’s where it all went wrong; because Merlin must have chanted the wrong spell. Suddenly, the wrong magic spell, made Arthur’s hair grow very long and very fast and very curly. Not only on his head, but all over his body. On his face, on his chest, under his arms and in places where you would rather not have a forest of long curly hair. He looked like a large stuffed Teddy Bear.

What’s more, the hair kept changing colour. One moment it was black, then red, then blue, white, green, yellow and so on with all colours of the rainbow and more besides. And the moral of this story, (so far), is: Do not use a magic spell to dye your hair. Use a well-known brand of hair dye instead! 

EXCERPT FROM

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AMAZON LINK

Hello Garlic Face

 

I was in the kitchen preparing a delicious meal the other day and a thought occurred to me; as it often does when I least expect it and it frightens me at the thought.

Why did God create us? Would it not have been less hassle and trouble for Him if we were not around? Think about it. No sin, no rebellion and evil, no wars and devilish behaviour. All would have been Heavenly for Him with no problems and Angels playing the harp and singing Latin hymns. Did God invent Latin? I asked myself and no one answered ... not even the chair. (Reference to Neil Diamond).

Anyway, I decided that God created us out of love. Because He loves us and wanted us to enjoy life on earth. He also gave us freedom to do as we wish; and many chose sin instead. So out of continued uninterrupted love He gave us His Son Jesus to build a bridge and a new relationship with God based on forgiveness and redemption. And He wants us to spend eternity with Him in Heaven; but only if we choose so.

I also thought that God wants us to glorify Him by what we do, what we say, and the way we live.

Then I thought some more. And asked a few questions we should all ask ourselves from time to time.

Do we glorify God in everything we do? Do we present a joyful happy personality to everyone we know? Do we spread hope and peace wherever we go? What do people who know us really think of us? Are they glad to see us again or dread being with us? Do people look forwards to meeting us for the first time; or does our reputation precede us?

So many questions to ask ourselves in an examination of conscience! 

Do we bring glory to God's name or are we as welcome as a bulb of garlic at a vampires' party?

At this point the oven "pinged" and the pizza was ready! 

But the questions remain to be answered.

Anxiety

 

Anxiety …. You’re a destroyer of souls!

Anxiety is a human emotion. We can’t help feeling anxious, sometimes unnecessarily, and in so doing we give way to doubts and worry. It’s like meeting three evil witches intent on destroying you: Anxiety, Doubt and Worry.

Like many human emotions, they can get out of control.

We’re anxious about the results of some medical tests we’ve had done. We worry unnecessarily. We fear the worst and doubt whether God loves us.

We worry without cause about our loved ones. Will our children do well in life, especially in these difficult times? We worry when they are a few minutes late returning home.

You know what it’s like … anxiety, worry and doubt take turns at turning your stomach into knots and in time can make you ill.

Why does God allow that?

Why doesn’t He provide us with a switch we can flick and these negative emotions just vanish away. After all, He knows we can’t help these emotions creeping on us unawares and play havoc with our minds. Why can’t He provide a switch to turn them off?

Or …. Maybe He has.

Whenever we look away from God for a moment that’s when we allow anxiety to enter our life and implant the seeds of doubt and worry. Perhaps it’s because at that very instant when we look away from God, the devil is ready to pounce and lead us astray.

He’s very clever the devil, you know. He leads you to believe he doesn’t really exist, but he’s there all right. By your side day by day. Waiting for the appropriate moment to put negative thoughts in your mind. Playing on your fears. Adding a sprinkle of worry. Making you anxious about something or other. And before long, if you are a little weak, you’ll begin to doubt that God even exists, never mind love you.

The remedy is to re-focus on God in the sure knowledge that He will not let us down.

That’s the switch which He has provided to comfort us in our times of difficulties. The certainty that He has conquered evil once and for all. And the knowledge that He will not allow us to perish because He cares for us.

“Look at the birds flying around … your Father in Heaven takes care of them! Aren’t you worth much more than birds?” Matthew 6:26

Love thy neighbour ... apparently

 

Sometimes when we buy something from the Internet and we are out when the delivery man comes, he leaves the item with our neighbour. I don't know if this has ever happened to you because you've never written about it. It may have happened and you did not saw fit to comment publicly about this occurrence. But it did happen to us with dire effects.

The other day the doorbell rang and the delivery man left a package with us for our neighbour who was out at the time. We waited for the neighbour to come and collect it later in the day but he did not do so.

Our house is number 835. So I went to see the guy next door, at Number 833. He said he had not ordered anything on-line and was not expecting a package. He asked me for the name on the package and having tried to read it because it was smudged from the rain, I said, "the name's obliterated!" He replied, "As you know, my name is Ferguson!"

So I went to the neighbour on the other side of our house, Number 837. Over here the numbers are even on one side of the street and odd on the other. We are No. 835 and going uphill there are 837, 839, 841 and so on; and downhill there are 833, 831 and so on.

The neighbour at 837 said he did not expect a package either. So I tried his neighbour at 839, and 841 and all the way uphill to 997. No one was expecting a package.

So I walked downhill to our house and tried neighbour 831 and all the way down to house 733; no one claimed the package which was getting heavier by the minute. Or perhaps I was getting tired.

I walked back home uphill and then it occurred to me that perhaps the courier meant to deliver it to the neighbour across the road from us at Number 834. So I tried him, and all houses uphill all over again on the opposite side of the road, and all the way downhill.

No one admitted to owning the package.

I got home, tired and frustrated at being a Christian and a good Samaritan. I thought perhaps the delivery man meant neighbour in the Biblical sense and the package was meant for someone at one of the four corners of the globe. (Do globes have corners?)

I rang the courier company. They said they could not identify the delivery address from the description I gave them on the phone and would I mind sending them the package at their depot 200 miles away. 

As it happens, I do mind going that distance. I think Jesus should have been more precise when He said "Love thy neighbour!"

In the meantime, are any of you expecting a package you bought on-line which perhaps has been delivered to us pending collection? If so, please come and get it because I am not walking all the way to where you live.

Are you old?

 

..

Are you old? An ancient fossil from a long gone age? Surely not. Age is just a number and a state of mind. In reality we are all young at heart if we want to be.

Here are some definitions of "OLD". I bet they don't apply to you.

OLD’ IS WHEN…
Your sweetie says, ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love,’ and you answer, ‘Pick one; I can’t do both!’

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN….
You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN
‘Getting a little action’ means you don’t need to take a laxative today.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN….
‘Getting lucky’ means you find your car in the parking lot.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
An ‘all nighter’ means not getting up to use the bathroom.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN….
You’re not sure if these are facts or jokes.

Courtesy of Inspire21

Anyway ... there are some advantages to being "OLD"

No one expects you to run – anywhere.

People call at 9 pm and ask, “did I wake you?”

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

You can eat supper at 4 pm.

You can live without sex but not your glasses.

You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

You sing along with elevator music.

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

You can wear your trousers all the way up to your nipples and hold them there with a belt and braces and everyone thinks you're stylish. A sex symbol for the woman who doesn't care.

And remember… Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Seriously though: be thankful whatever age you are and trust in God to see you through every day onto eternity.

Very Odd Things Happening

I don't know about you but some very odd things have been happening lately in my life. 

We were in Scotland for the festivities. We were staying at a friend's house whilst he was away. He loves river fishing and keeps a large net by the door amongst his other gear. You know the one, a long wooden stick with a net at the end; like a butterfly net.

It was about two o'clock in the morning. I was peacefully rehearsing playing the bagpipes at home when suddenly there was loud banging at the door and continuous ringing of the door bell as if it was pandemonium out there. I stopped playing the bagpipes and rushed to open the door. For some reason, I got hold of the butterfly net in hand.

It was my neighbour still ringing the door bell angrily.

"What is all that noise in the middle of the night?" he asked threateningly.

"It is you banging at the door and ringing the door bell!" I replied, "you're making all the noise."

"Not that," he shouted, "all that bagpipe playing. What's all that about?"

"I was practising playing 'Scotland the Brave' " I said.

"And why have you got a net?" he asked.

"Annette? I haven't got any Annette here. Only my wife and the family. They are all asleep, unless you woke them up with all your banging at the door. Who is Annette anyway?" I asked him.

He pointed at the net I was holding. "Oh ..." I said, "I thought you were my wife going shopping! Would you like a drink? I have some whisky inside."

He came in for a drink and advised me that I was playing the bagpipes out of tune. He revealed his family was from Scotland and offered to show me how to play.

About half-an-hour later there was a lot of banging on the door once again and the door bell ringing furiously. I left my neighbour playing the bagpipes and rushed to open the door.

It was two more neighbours. They said I was playing out of tune, and if I wanted they could show me how to do it correctly. 

They came in and as I had a set of drums too they joined in trying to get 'Scotland the Brave' played properly on the bagpipes and drums.

With three bagpipes and a set of drums we made quite a band playing a variety of Scottish songs and tunes.

The funny thing about all this, is that the family did not wake up throughout. I found out later that they were all out shopping at the "24/7" mall.

If you have never visited Scotland, I suggest you do. I've enjoyed many a Hogmanay up there ... och aye!

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PLEASE HELP A CHARITY AT CHRISTMAS

What is your purpose in life?

 

WHAT IS YOUR PURPOSE IN LIFE?

Did you know that Moses was 80 years old when God asked him to go to Egypt and tell the Pharaoh "Let my people go" and get the Jews out of slavery to the promised land?

Moses tried to get his way out of this task. He made excuses, and at that age he probably had many things to do which he had been putting off for years; like clearing the garage of unwanted things that accumulated there, fix that creaky gate in the back garden, and umpteen other things that his wife had been adding to the retirement list. But eventually, he agreed and took on God's task for him. He said, "Here I am, Lord!"

You would be surprised how many people there are who go through their earthly existence without a real purpose in life. They live from day to day doing day to day things day after day without ever stopping and wondering why they are here. Their lives can be summed up as being born, living and then dying. True, in between they may do hard work, raise a family, achieve something important in an earthly kind of way; but is that all they are? A meaningless cog in the environmental cycle of life?

I don't believe so. I believe that God has given each one of us a purpose in life. We are not meant to just exist and then move on to eternal life. Each one has a God-given mission in life. For some it may be monumental as in the case of Moses. For others it might be just to set a good Christian example that makes others want what we have, and to follow our example in life. 

We never know who is watching us in life and learning from us something to emulate, or to avoid at all costs. Our very behaviour may well be our purpose in life. A kindness to someone, an encouragement, a listening sympathetic ear, or a good word proclaiming God in our lives. 

Whether we are as old as Moses was at 80, or whatever age we are, it is never too late to ask God, "What is my mission for you?" If we ask this in all honesty then God will tell us what He wants from us. 

Let us just ask God in prayer, "Here I am, Lord. What do you want me to do?"

AMAZON LINK HERE

Epiphany

 

Today is the feast of the Epiphany. We remember the wise men visiting Jesus.

Matthew Chapter 2: Jesus was born in the town of Bethlehem in Judea, during the time when Herod was king. Soon afterwards, some men who studied the stars came from the East to Jerusalem. (Some Bible translations calls them Magi - It means wise men; that's where we get the word magic.)

So Herod called the visitors from the East to a secret meeting and found out from them the exact time the star had appeared. 

They went into the house, and when they saw the child with His mother Mary, they knelt down and worshipped Him. They brought out their gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh, and presented them to Him.

NOTES: The baby Jesus was born in a cave/barn where animals were kept. The first people to be told of the birth were shepherds. In those days shepherds were considered the lowest of the low and despised by society for their ignorance, poverty and unkempt appearance. Yet they were the first the Angel Gabriel announced the birth to; not to high society and kings.

The wise men arrived from "the East" some time later. At least two years later. Hence Herod ordering the slaughter of all males aged two and under.

The Bible does not say there were three wise men. We have assumed this because the Bible mentions three gifts which they brought. The wise men are only mentioned in the Gospel of Matthew and no names are given. The names Gaspard, Melchior and Balthazar were invented later. I believe the names first appeared in a theatre musical and got associated with the story of the Nativity.

The arrival of the wise men is significant. At the time, the Jews believed that Jesus would come to save their nation and their people; the chosen people of God. But the wise men were not Jews. This signifies that Jesus came for all of us - including you and me.

Thine Be The Glory

 

 

THINE BE THE GLORY

 

 

Poet's Block

 

 

 I want to write a poem about an orange; 

but I cannot find a word that rhymes with orange. 

Can you help me?

 

By the way, 

did you know you can download the above book 

FREE from 

HERE?

Why The Nativity?

 

May I encourage you to spend some time watching this film by Dr David Jeremiah? It is called "Why the Nativity?" and lasts 1.5 hours. 

All films made about Jesus show His whole life, preachings, healings, Crucifixion and Resurrection. This one focuses specifically on the Nativity. It was made by David Jeremiah and he narrates it and adds further information where needed.

Ten New Year Resolutions you may want to try

 

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HAPPY AND BLESSED NEW YEAR

TO YOU ALL

GOD BLESS.

It is the time of year when we are tempted to make New Year resolutions aimed at improving ourselves or become better in some way or other. For example people resolve to lose weight and go on a diet, exercise more, or drink less and so on. Most of these resolutions are broken and forgotten within days.

To help you keep your resolutions, here are ten which you may like to try. Print them and refer to them about once a month to see how you're doing.

1    Have more fun. For example, if your spouse likes to read and keeps a photo or piece of paper in the book to mark how much they have read; then surreptitiously move the paper a few pages forward. They'll pick up the book and wonder whether they have read this bit already, or imagined it! Great fun.

2    Read more. Put on the subtitles when you watch TV. If you watch a film like Les Miserables with the subtitles (closed captions) on; you can claim you read the book.

3    Ask your spouse what resolutions you should have. If you break them you can always blame her for being too strict. My wife has not told me yet what my resolutions are ... apart from painting the front gate and fence!

4    Don't let your worries get the best of you. Remember, Moses started as a basket case.

5    Never worry about tomorrow. It has already happened in Australia.

6    Remember that time is a great healer; but a lousy beautician.

7    Learn not to care. What was important years ago is no longer that important today. Learn what is important enough to care about and don't waste time on trivia.

8    Try to enjoy what each day brings. Whatever your situation, your health, or your condition; there is always something to be thankful for. 

9    If you have vegetarian friends, put a stick of celery through their window and shout, "The Triffids have landed. The Triffids have landed!" Or put a carrot on your shoulder and tell people you are a vegetarian pirate. Or pour cream on your shoulder and tell them your parrot had diarrhoea.

10    Don’t worry if your life’s a joke, and your successes few; remember that the mighty oak was once a nut like you!

11    And finally, if like me, you're a Catholic, go to Confession and ask the priest, "Have you heard any good gossip lately?"

I've decided to take more risks in 2025. I will wear my underpants over my trousers like Superman.

Seriously though: be thankful every day as you trust in God to see you through onto eternity.