No Dentures

In a poor and desolate town where Father Ignatius was stationed it was evident that he would meet a lot of hardship amongst his parishioners, especially in difficult economic conditions where jobs were scarce and business closures rife.

One day a young man came to him complaining that he couldn’t get a good job and he felt a bit down because of lack of prospects at the factory where he did menial tasks.

Of course, the priest sympathized with him. It is good to see someone with ambitions wishing to better himself and get on in life. Yet, put in its true perspective, there were many others with no jobs at all and living literally in poverty.

Father Ignatius wished to convey this message to the young man, but he had to do it gently and without being critical of someone hoping to improve a bad circumstance.

He sat down on his chair behind his desk and looked at the young man in the face for a second or two and then asked:

“Have you got all your own teeth?”

The young man was taken aback at this unexpected and somewhat irrelevant question.

“Ehm … yes …” he mumbled.

“All your teeth hein?” repeated the priest, “no false teeth or dentures?”

“Yes …” said the man.

“That’s good … Just like me” said Father Ignatius pensively, “I have all my own teeth. No false ones. I’ve been lucky that way!”

After a few moments of silence the young man asked, “What has that to do with what we were talking about Father?”

“Oh … I was just thinking …” remarked Father Ignatius, “there’s plenty of talk about grinding and gnashing of teeth in the Bible.

“I wondered what would happen to those people with no teeth. Would they get given dentures do you think?”

The young man was now more puzzled than ever and thought the priest was perhaps getting a little senile.

Father Ignatius smiled and asked “Are you in good health?”

“Yes I am …” said the man emphatically.

“In good health … and doing a menial job at the factory! It’s good to want to improve yourself. You live in a rented apartment do you not?”

“Yes I do … not far from the church!” said the man.

“Oh yes … I forgot,” said the priest, “and you go regularly to church too. That’s good. And you help with the Youth Club we run here. That’s very commendable you know.”

The young man smiled.

“Let’s try to recap,” said Father Ignatius gently, “you’re young, fit and healthy too, you live in an apartment nearby, work at the factory on the East side of town, doing menial jobs as you say … You go to church … A good Catholic lad I suppose … I also know you have a red bicycle. I’ve seen you cycle to church. And you help with our youth work … And to top it all you have all your own teeth … mustn’t forget the teeth!”

The young man smiled again as he understood what the priest was saying.

“You see …” continued Father Ignatius, “life is very hard for many people these days. And I don’t decry your wish to do better for yourself. That’s very laudable.

“But when we pray to God, let us thank Him for what we have rather than bemoan what we haven’t!

“He knows our situation and He’ll certainly take care of us.”

The young man went away much wiser than he came and very grateful for his lot.

MORE FATHER IGNATIUS STORIES HERE

The Owl

There once was a wise old owl

Who just refused to fly

Claiming flying hazards

Made it unsafe so he could die.

He thought that wind turbines

Going round and round and round

Upset his delicate hearing

With their unheard kind of sound.

The bright lights in the city

The towns and the countryside

Shone brightly both day and night

Upsetting his big bright eyes.

The smoke from every chimney

And the fumes from every car

Polluting his every senses

As he flew both near and far.

So this learned wise old owl

Walked on foot just everywhere

Avoiding all flying hazards 

And got run over by a bus.

A question of faith of fear

Is faith the result of fear of the consequences if we do not have faith? Or is it somehow a self-generated product of our determination to believe without any tangible proof or evidence?

If faith is a gift or grace bestowed upon us by God; then are those with little or no faith to blame for their situation? Who takes the first step in faith? The individual or God by giving them faith to start with?

If faith could be measured … … … Jesus said if we had faith as much as a mustard seed we could perform miracles … … … if faith could be measured, and since none of us can perform miracles like those recorded in the Bible, does it imply perhaps that we do not have faith, or not enough?

Why is it that some people have faith so weak that they stumble again and again when things get rough, (and I admire their persistence in this rather than giving up), whilst others have a faith so strong that it withstands, and indeed increases, with every calamity in their lives? Is this of their own doing or are they given Divine help to maintain and increase their faith?

But let’s go back to the original question. If someone has a smidgen of faith, and closes his eyes tightly and wills himself to believe even though he does not understand fully; he just does it because of fear of “going to hell”; is his faith somehow deficient and tainted because of its motivation? Or is it just as welcome by God?

Peter had faith when he attempted to walk on water. But when his faith was soon deflected he began to sink. He had faith and courage when he withdrew his sword and hit one of those who came to arrest Jesus. But that faith soon evaporated when he denied knowing Christ a few moments later. Thomas had faith when he followed Christ for years and, like the other disciples, witnessed His many miracles. Yet he too put aside all his faith and let doubts cloud his judgement and beliefs. No doubt other disciples and followers of Jesus started with a modicum of faith which soon deserted them when the going got rough. Like those people who could not understand Jesus when He said that unless they eat His flesh and drink His blood they will not have eternal life. They soon got up and stopped following Christ.

Of course, no one has questioned the disciples original motivation when their faith led them to leave their previous life and follow Jesus just because He asked them too. Was it curiosity that led them to do so? Was it a deep rooted personal belief as they saw Him preach and perform miracles? Or was it because they feared the consequences had they decided not to follow Jesus and His teachings?

And that, I suppose is the nub of the question. One’s motivation to have faith.

If a person meets St Peter face to face at the Pearly Gates, and the records show on the Saint’s computer that this individual had faith all his life because he feared going to hell. Would the Saint let him in all the same; or send him down without a parachute?

ODE TO JOY

Fried fish wrapped in bacon

Served cold with boiled rice

Raspberry sauce and chocolate

Make up gourmets’ delight

A constipated owl

Hooting whilst he roams

Bearing the pain bravely

Of irritable owl syndrome

Then I composed a song

But forgot all the words

I focussed on the music

And then lost all the chords

I close my eyes and think of you

Spaghetti served with cheese

Caressing all my senses

Like a sweet summer’s breeze

The poor owl is still hooting

In the recesses of my mind

Just hand me some more bacon

But cut away the rind

Forsooth sayth the soothsayer

As he shaves another layer

Of crab cake with maple syrup

To the owl wrapped in gauze

If all that doesn’t clear you

Then nothing for ever will

He sayth to the happy owl

Who’s now no longer ill.

Moral: Don’t have cheese and port before bedtime.

The Radio Interview

Years ago I used to present radio programs. The most difficult types were the ones were you have to interview someone. No matter how well you prepared, and often they were impromptu interviews without preparation, especially news items, there was often one interviewee who would prove the ultimate in difficulty. 

INTERVIEWER - Hello and welcome to Local News Talk the program that tells you what's been happening in and around where you live right now.

Today we are out in the Market Square, just by the statue of the Ravaged Parrot, and we have with us here Marcus. That is not his real name, by the way. He has asked not to be identified for personal reasons.

Hello Marcus.

MARCUS - Hello.

INTERVIEWER - Now Marcus is not your real name, is that right?

MARCUS - Yes. My real name is James Nott.

INTERVIEWER - James Nott?

JAMES - That's correct.

INTERVIEWER - And you were an eye-witness to what happened here this morning.

JAMES - Wait a minute ... you have just identified me.

INTERVIEWER - No I haven't.

JAMES - Yes you have. You've told everyone my real name. James Nott!

INTERVIEWER - No I haven't. I simply stated that Marcus was not your real name and then you confirmed it as James Nott. So it is you who identified yourself.

JAMES - And ... and ... why are there no cameras? I was told that I would be on national TV.

INTERVIEWER - This is a radio interview for Radio Desperate. We have nothing to do with any TV stations.

And ... incidentally, if you were to appear on TV how would you explain your alias as Marcus when people would probably recognise you as James Nott anyway?

JAMES - I would have appeared on TV as incognito!

INTERVIEWER - I see ... anyway. This is radio only. Now tell us James Nott, in your own words, what did you see?

JAMES - Are we broadcasting live now?

INTERVIEWER - Yes ... Tell our listeners what you saw.

JAMES - Well ... this morning as the market traders were setting up their stalls, a horse came running from over there ...

INTERVIEWER - Don't point, James. This is radio only. The listeners cannot see you point.

JAMES - But what about the TV camera?

INTERVIEWER - There are no cameras. This is radio only. Anyway ... you were saying?

JAMES - The horse came from over there ...

INTERVIEWER - Don't point ...

JAMES - Sorry ... the horse came from where that red car is parked ...

INTERVIEWER - The listeners can't see the car either. Dear listeners, let me explain, the horse allegedly came from the High Street, just by the Poor Peoples' Bank. We have to say allegedly for legal reason in case what we say is not accurate.

JAMES - What do you mean?

INTERVIEWER - Well, in case someone denies that it happened. Or that it was a horse that caused the incident.

JAMES - You mean it could have been an elephant? I know a horse when I see one. Are you calling me a liar?

INTERVIEWER - No, of course not ... please continue ...

JAMES - Well ... the horse, or the dinosaur, or whatever other creature it was, came from where the red car is parked over there, ran through here, toppled this stall and then jumped over this one, hit that bicycle that's all broken on the ground, and then escaped this way down there.

INTERVIEWER - One moment James. The listeners can't see all the things you're pointing at. You saw a horse come running from the High street ...

JAMES - Yes ...It was at least that high, a big animal it was, or it could have been a bit smaller. It was difficult to tell because he was going so fast. I would say it was perhaps this high. It was a he .. I could tell because it was obvious by his ...

INTERVIEWER - Yes ... I understand ...

JAMES - He was a dark brownish beast; perhaps a little black but not too black in colour, more dark grey brownish I would say. It was almost exactly the colour of that wooden fence over there. Which he did not break by the way when the horse jumped over it. It was already broken. And also ... I can say for definite ... not allegedly or anything like that ...

INTERVIEWER - Thank you James. That's all we have time for.

Well, dear listeners ... This has been the most difficult interview I have ever conducted. I am now leaving this way, to go over there, to that pub near here, where I will have a pint or three of drinks to help me recover.

Noah

I blame Noah ...

What was he thinking?

Why did he bother to get mosquitoes, wasps, scorpions

and all other creepy crawly bad creatures

on his boat?

Warped sense of humour - I think !!!

DID YOU KNOW?

Noah was a farmer.

He was the first man to ever plant a vineyard.

He made wine, drank it, and became drunk.

He then took off all his clothes,

and lay naked in his tent.

His son Ham, (what a name),

saw Noah naked and

he took photos with his cell-phone

and posted them on Facebook.

GENESIS 9:20-22.

TO LOVE A PRIEST

QUENTIN RAVIOLI

Quentin Ravioli

Years ago, Quentin generously paid for my dog to be put down, and then he helped me bury him.

He was an Alsatian. The dog, not Quentin. I believe that Quentin was from Scotland. 

He was seventeen at the time. The dog, not Quentin. Quentin was about twenty five, I believe.

He used to follow me everywhere. The dog that is, not Quentin. He used to follow me to the fishmongers were I used to buy crabs and lobsters.

He was very intelligent and quick witted. Quentin, not the dog. The dog has been long dead. One day I asked Quentin "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which he promptly replied, "They have to go backwards. If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."

Quentin was good at languages. One year he went to France on holiday and saw an old lady in  Montmartre in Paris sitting on the sidewalk knitting. He asked her, “Voulez vous crochet avec moi?”

On another occasion he impressed his friends at a restaurant by ordering the whole meal in Italian. The waiter did not understand a word though. It was a Greek restaurant.

He once bought a book on-line entitled  “How to get your own back on your neighbour”. Unfortunately he was out when it was delivered and the postman left the book next door.

His next door neighbours never got out of the house. They were agoraphobic anorexics. Bet they had some skeletons in the cupboard.

Quentin was a keen gardener. Always in his garden planting something or other. He was a bit OCD and he told me once that he always plants his herbs in alphabetical order. I asked him "where do you find the time?" He replied, "It’s there next to the sage."

A kind hearted person, Quentin was. Once at a pub he noticed a guy had passed out at a table nearby. The bartender told him the man is Mr. Peters, and asked Quentin if he could drive him home. Quentin agreed and the bartender wrote down the address and gave it to him.

Quentin tried to wake Peters, but Peters was groggy and quite drunk. Quentin helped him to his feet, but Peters fell to the floor in a crashing heap.

He took him by the arm and practically dragged him out to the car. Once there, he leant him against the side of his car while he looked for his keys. The man slid down to the ground again.

Eventually Quentin drove the man to the address the bartender gave him. He opened the passenger door and helped Peters out and he fell to the ground again!

He got him to his door and said to Peters' wife, "Hi, your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home."

"That was nice of you," she replied looking around ... "But where's his wheelchair?"

And that's Quentin Ravioli for you. A man of many parts ... none of which worked properly. We shall miss him sorely. Because he keeps moving!

Investigating your bedroom habits

I am conducting a research project for the University of Rest and I would be grateful if you would take part in our information gathering exercise. Let me assure you that all information will be treated in the strictest confidence and data will be gathered anonymously by researchers who will not divulge their identity to anyone.

First some background:

We are researching whether sleeping in a North/South position in your bed in alignment with the earth's North/South magnetic polarity affects the way you sleep. Will you have a restless night and possibly have nightmares too? Or will it make no difference? How is your sleep affected if you slept in an East/West position instead?

In order to gather data for our research we went out and asked peoples' views and experiences on the matter.

First, we visited a street in a nearby town which coincidentally is aligned exactly in an East/West direction.

Let's look at the Diagram below:

We visited the man in House A and discovered that his bed is beside the side wall of his house and therefore he sleeps in exactly a North/South alignment. He did admit that he has often not slept well and he sometimes has nightmares.

In order to build up our data of evidence we visited his neighbour living in House B. As luck would have it, this man's bed is aligned with the back wall of the house and therefore he sleeps exactly in an East/West direction. This man said that he often sleeps soundly and wakes up refreshed and ready for a new day.

Encouraged with our findings so far, we went to Houses C and D but there was no one there to answer the door.

We visited other houses down the road and received a variety of responses ranging from, "Mind your own **** business you pervert," to "If you don't go away I'll call the police you **** **** **** !!!"

Undeterred, and fearful for our safety, we rushed to another part of town to continue with our research.

Unfortunately, not all streets run exactly in and East/West direction as in the diagram above. Our towns and cities are built and have grown over the years in all sorts of directions and it is not always possible to live in a house facing exactly North in order to test the validity of our experiment.

We ended up in a street which runs at an oblique to the rest of town, so armed with our compass, we continued with our research.

The Diagram below illustrates the point:

In this street, the man in house A is not sleeping in a North/South position. He is more North/West. He reported that sometimes he sleeps well and wakes up refreshed, whereas at other times he has a disturbed night. This proved inconclusive either way, so we recorded what he said and moved on to his neighbour in House B.

The man in house B sleeps in a North/East direction. He said that sometimes he sleeps so soundly that he does not hear the alarm clock in the morning. At other times, however, he has nightmares, especially if he has eaten a lot of cheese before going to bed.

Discouraged, we certainly were. But we did not give up. We went to House C and asked the man to leave his bed as it is, aligned with the side of the house, but, having loaned him our compass, we asked him to sleep at an oblique and exactly in a North/South direction. (See Diagram above).

The next morning we visited him and he said that not only did he not sleep well, but he also had a cricked neck because his head was overhanging the edge of the bed.

We went to House D and asked the young couple there if they would be willing to sleep in a North/South position and report their findings to us.

The next day they reported that they nearly both fell off the bed sleeping in that position at an angle to the bed. They ended up having a great argument and the husband had to go downstairs and sleep on the couch, whilst his wife locked herself in the bedroom.

When we asked him in which direction he slept on the couch he threatened us with physical violence.

So it's over to you, our readers.

Would you be willing to share with us in which direction you sleep and whether you have noticed any difference in your sleep patterns or the quality of your dreams.

Finally, we have discovered conclusively that sleeping hanging upside down from a hammock is not affected by the direction of the magnetic pull of the earth, but is dangerous because you can fall off and smash your head on the floor.

Beware of stubbornness

It is said that Moses took 40 years to travel from Egypt through the desert to the Promised Land. Considering the distance involved this must have been incompetence to the highest degree … perhaps he was going round in circles.

I reckon that unbeknown to him, Mrs Moses was asking for directions secretly and, when appropriate, she pointed him in the right way to go.

Being a woman, she allowed him to take all the credit for getting there at last.

Moral of the story:

Never rely on what you think you know. Always consider the possibility that you may be wrong. (Especially if your wife tells you so).

Another moral of the story:

How often do we do as God tells us?

When Disaster Strikes

WHEN DISASTER STRIKES

HURRICANES

FLOODS

EARTHQUAKES

FAMINE

WARS

ILLNESS AND DISEASE

"Why would a merciful God allow these disasters to happen?"

God is not Superman.

He does not fly from one disaster to another putting right the results of earthquakes, floods or famines.

Can He do these things if He wanted to? The answer is YES. Then; "Why would a merciful God allow these disasters?"

In reality, God has two choices: 

To interfere every time something goes wrong and put it right. Whether it is a disaster, an illness, or someone evil does something wrong like murder, robbery or whatever. 

Or, in His wisdom and generosity, He could allow us the full freedom to do and think what we want. Even to the point of not believing in His existence if this is what we want to do.

When He created us, because He loves us, He gave us the full freedom to do as we wish. He has not washed His hands of us though and left us to our own devices. He does listen to our prayers, and often, He does respond.

When people ask, "Why does He allow bad things to happen?" There are two answers to this:

1 Why do WE allow bad things to happen all around us and do nothing about it?

2 He allows bad things to happen to give us the opportunity to love one another.

Anthropomorphism

Anthropomorphism is the attribution of human traits, emotions, and intentions to non-human entities such as animals or even objects. In most cases, there is nothing wrong with that. For example, Donald Duck is, strictly speaking, a duck; yet it has been dressed like a human, it talks and can do human things like drive a car or cook. It has been given the character of a human and behaves as such for the purpose of the cartoon story in which it, or he, appears.

By the way, have you noticed that normally Donald Duck wears a jacket and hat and nothing on his lower half; yet, when he comes out of the shower or bath he has a towel around his lower half. What's all that about? Certainly not a human characteristic. I certainly don't go around wearing nothing but a jacket!

Anyway, I digress.

As I was saying before I was interrupted by Donald Duck, certain people attribute human characteristics to non-human objects. For example, I was visiting a young couple the other day and as I was leaving them they said they were going to pick up their children from school with Sophie. I thought Sophie was their children's nanny. But they jumped in the car and as they were reversing out of their drive I asked, "Aren't you going to wait for Sophie?"

They laughed and said, "We are in Sophie! Sophie is John's car. My car over there (said the wife) is called Bernard. Our cars have a character of their own. Sophie is more gentle and welcoming!"

I smiled and said nothing.

How can a car be gentle and welcoming? Can it be temperamental and refuse to start on a cold morning because it wants to tease or upset you? Or is it perhaps because the battery is low and it will not start the engine?

I thought nothing of it until a few days ago when the subject arose again. I was in the pub with John, the young husband in this couple of which I speak, nursing a beer when I noticed he looked somewhat forlorn.

By the way, by nursing a beer I meant drinking slowly. I did not mean I was nursing it because it was ill and needed medical attention. It was just a figure of speech and I was in no way anthropomorphising the pint in my hand. I wish you would stop interrupting my train of thought.

I asked John what was the matter and he explained, "For a while now, after I wash up the dishes and dry them, I put them away in the cupboard in a stack on top of each other. If I have four plates in hand, and there are already two in the cupboard, I put the four plates underneath the two so that next time the two at the top would get a chance to be used. I don't want them to feel left out and unloved by not being used. So I raise them to the top of the pile so that they are used next. This also happens with saucers, cereal bowls, and cups. I move the old cups from the back of the shelf to the front, and put the newly cleaned ones at the back."

For a moment or two I said nothing as I caressed my beer glass pensively. Careful now, don't go interrupting me again!

I then asked, "What does your wife think of this?"

"That's the point," he said, "until recently she did not know anything about it. They say couples should not have any secrets from each other, but there I was, after three years of marriage hiding this from her!"

"It's not as if you were having an affair!" I said.

"The principle is the same," he replied, "until recently it was a secret I kept from her. Now she knows. But what is worse, is that apparently she has been doing the same all along. I caught her taking all the plates out of the cupboard and moving the ones at the top of the pile to the bottom. I asked her what she was doing and she confessed. She has been doing the same thing as me all along!"

I smiled inwardly and said nothing.

"Can you imagine?" he continued, "there is probably a poor plate or saucer which feels unloved because it has not been used for ages. I put it on top and she moved it to the bottom of the stack again!"

"But ... but ... it is only a plate," I stammered, "it does not have feelings and it does not think like you and I" (Certainly not like you and your wife; I thought silently).

"And what is worse," he said, "when I saw my wife moving the plates up and down she accidentally dropped one and it smashed into pieces. Dead in the prime of life. We'd only just bought that set."

As delicately as I could, I said, "Look John ... this is some kind of OCD that you both have ... you should discuss it with a doctor."

"OCD?" he asked.

"Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It's when people do something repeatedly, like over-cleaning or washing!" I explained.

"Tell me about it," he said, "she is so cleaning mad you'll not believe it. The other day we had an argument and in the heat of the moment she threw a cup at me from a distance. She did not want to pick up the broken pieces so she put the cup in a plastic bag first, tied it up, and threw it at me. That way all the pieces were in the bag! Then she cried over the death of a cup."

I was at a loss for words because I did not have my dictionary with me. I bought him another pint and made my way home.

I took a taxi because my shoes were too tired to walk all that way back.